Just wow...

About a month ago, E and A attended Camp Amanda (Amanda the Panda sponsored). E went without hesitation, with A, it took a little talking in to. Today, I know they're both happy they went if for no other reason than they met other kids that lost a loved one. At camp, they weren't different and the other kids knew how they felt and have experienced all the other emotions they have had to deal with since losing J.

A couple of days ago I received a call from a reporter with the Des Moines Register asking if, since I signed a release, he could publish the girls names in the paper regarding Camp Amanda. Of course I said sure, why not, I signed the release. I had no idea when the article would run and I had absolutely no idea in what capacity the girls would be mentioned. Well, the story ran today and hit me square in the face. You can read the article here. The emotion that this reporter captured with A made me cry. This is my daily struggle. It's not my grief anymore that makes me stumble every day, it's the girl's grief that gets me.

In my own journey "to the other side", I've dealt with the emotions of the losing, never having again, the end, never coming back and then the chore of pulling my sh!t together for the girls and moving forward instead of staying stuck in the past. I'm able to put one foot in front of the other and move towards my own "new normal" because I haven't had the luxury of laying down and shutting out the world in one form or another. Every day I've gotten up and lived because the girls have needed to see that, and every day I get up because of them. I am truly happy in the life I'm living at the moment...

The girls, amazing as they are in my eyes, I know still struggle with the loss every day. They may not voice it, they may not show it, but it's there...and I realized today after reading that article that it will never go away for them...for any of us, really. But for them, as they get older, they will realize more and more what their dad is missing because he passed away (we don't say died). He will miss them graduating from HS/college, getting married and walking them down the aisle, he'll miss holding their children and he'll miss every other big or little thing in between. This is our reality, and I know we aren't alone in this reality, there are so many others that know what this feels like. And I just want to put my 2 cents in, that sucks.

It's been almost three years since J left us. Some days I wake up and it feels like it was just yesterday, other days it seems like 20 years have passed us by. The pain is still there but it's different. The loss is still there but that to is different. Us girls, we wake up and put our pants on the same way the rest of the world does, we just have a little more weighing on our hearts each time we do.

Thanks for checking in.
L