Sent to me...

By a very wise and sweet girl...Thanks Jamie xoxo :)

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what he'd want; smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Thanks Jamie, love you girl :)

L

Amazing...

I witnessed the MOST amazing thing yesterday...I heard a baby's first cry. It was an honor to be a part this moment, one that never gets old and one that can never be recreated no matter how many times you see it or it's you yourself giving birth. It was just simply amazing.

Congrats Paige and Codie, he's a beautiful baby and I'm so proud of both of you. Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of this most important moment in your lives. It's a good thing you live close, I can't wait to get my baby fixes...you better watch out grandma Missy, your gonna have a little competition :)

L

Thanksgiving 2009....

One more first to be faced today. It's not as hard as I thought it might be...so I'm thankful for that.

The girls and I are going to mom and dad's for dinner, just us and them. Will it be weird without J sitting at the table eating his way thru anything placed in front of him? Yes, but it will be ok. Since he had recently taken up cooking, I'm sure he would have contributed something from his newly found love. I'll miss that. I'll also miss him flipping me shit about scouring the black Friday ads looking for the best deal on something I just HAD to HAVE...or something I thought the girls just HAD to HAVE. This day had always been about one thing for J, being with family.

Tonight Shan and I, based on what is found in the ads today, will be mapping out our Friday shopping route...no sleeping for us tonight as we are one of those crazy asses who has to be first in line for the next best thing, whatever that is. We'll sit at her kitchen table with 4 Registers full of ads making a list and checking it twice, then we'll head to Des Moines and meet my sis and KD for breakfast and then head out to our first destination. It's been a tradition for Shana and I for 10 years now...One that I look forward to every year. Black Friday 2008, J's list was bigger than mine and all that was on his list were kitchen appliances...makes me laugh every time I think about bringing all his "presents" home and watching him open them. He was giddy, and that in itself is down right hilarious to me....

I am so VERY thankful for my family and friends (old and new). Thank you for being there when I've needed you and, yes, even when I didn't. Thank you for your verbal and silent support and for loving me unconditionally even in my darkest, most hateful hours. I will never verbally be able to express what's in my heart, but I hope when you read this you feel my love and gratitude. I wouldn't be who I am nor where I'm at without you.....

We're gonna make it....I feel it in my heart.

L

Random thoughts...

Lately I've been too busy to think about how alone I am. But sometimes, like tonight, it totally catches me off guard. Oh I think about it, like when I came home from Florida to no one but the dog waiting for me or when I had to have a meeting with the school for Allyson or when I had to pick out pictures for the family calendar when for the last year my family has been a family member short or like yesterday when I sat at the youth league basketball meeting by myself listening to the other league heads talk about J like he was just missing from the meeting and not gone forever....it's tough, some days tougher than I'll let you see.

Last week I did something...something I never thought I'd do for me, I've gone before but never for me. I went to a medium. Now, I'll be the first one to tell you I don't believe in that stuff, but.....after last week, I'm questioning a few things. I heard some things I needed to hear either from the medium or from some other source, but I heard the words and I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. So, I'm glad I went if for no other reason than to believe in myself again. To believe that I am a good person and not just a person that shitty things happen to. To believe that I'm here being the best mother and father I can be to E & A. To believe I'm doing what J wanted me to do, move on and be happy.

I know people check my blog on a regular basis just to make sure we're still here, making it thru each day - never fear, we are. I know I've been slacking on the job a little....but there are just some things I'm not ready to share, some things that are better (and safer) left unsaid or left in my heart, no matter how heavy a burden it is sometimes.

Thanks for checking in...

L

There I go again...

Not posting on a regular basis...bad Lesa!!

There really hasn't been a lot to talk about lately. Us girls have been keeping pretty low key. We passed the 10 month mark and it was surprisingly uneventful. Oh we recognized it, me in Florida and the girls here in Iowa with grandma Deb, but it was different than any other month...Is it getting easier? I think so.

There is only so much you can talk about regarding home improvements. Right now, we're at a stand still. Everyone has been busy, and I'm ok with that :)

I spent the Halloween weekend in South Beach, YAY me. To view all 144 pics, go here, amazing!!

Coming up....BASKETBALL!! I had sign up on Monday night and will again on Thursday. I'm so not looking forward to all that business, but it was Jeff's baby so OF COURSE I'll continue on...

Thanks for checking in....

L

I miss you...

My fancy Grandma Austin....