5840

16 years if you're not keeping track, or reminded daily, can't math well (like me), or maybe we're just not living the same life.  And that's OK.  *Holy shit, Lesa, it only took you 16 years to stop holding that grudge* Yeah, yeah, I know - this is me, building a bridge and getting over it.

I always have so much I want to say to you running on repeat in my head for months leading up to this dreaded day, but honestly, this year, I really only want to say is I miss you.  Oh, I'm still holding a grudge that you left...maybe someday I'll build a new bridge and get over that too.....maybe.  Until then, I miss you for all of the things you've missed out on and all the things to come.

I often think about what kind of father you would have been to your adult girls.  For example, there's a wedding coming up.  I wonder, would you have liked and/or approved of E's choice.  I mean, we love him.  But would you have taken 3 days off work and "chaperoned" a 3-day bachelor party for DoubleD that may or may not have ended with a few groomsmen spending a little time in the ER the night before your daughter's wedding?  I would hope not, but isn't it fun speculating the shenanigans you might have been involved in and/or been the ringleader of?  That's how you did it!!  Family tradition and all that!!  Haha, kidding, kinda.  You would have disagreed on politics, debated and killed any random fact to death but you probably would have found middle ground with baseball, and that would have been some magic. 

I know you know how awesome our kids are, but it bears repeating.  THESE KIDS ARE AWESOME!  E is still jetting (or driving) around the country living that travel nurse life and A is (thank goodness) close to home working in the mental health field.  Both are doing amazeball things but mostly just making me proud, all day, every day.  I probably don't tell them that enough.  

I told your mom yesterday that I will love you forever, that will never change - I will love you forever for the love you gave while you were here and for the littles you helped create - you see, I'm never really without you because you live so big in them.

I don't have any profound words that got me through this year, but I do have a song that hit me right in the feels the other day, take a listen, it's absolutely perfect and, well, you.  

Drink One for Me - Hardy

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, we miss you, we love you forever and for always.  Be near, maybe riding shotgun when E is driving the country and when A is making a tough decision for someone she's trying to help.  Blow them a kiss on the wind, make sure they know it's you...and always be near.  

p/s if you're sending the "JY" license plates to the girls and I, we're picking up what you're putting down - we see you.

Glasses up at 6a.

Thanks for checking in.

L

5475

 15 years 

As per usual, I've waited until the last minute to write this.  

I want to believe that I put this off until the last minute because I work better under pressure, but I really think it's because it weighs so heavily on my heart to write these words.  To remember and to think about all the times you made me laugh + cry and all of the times in between.

You.  You were such a LARGER-THAN-LIFE presence in my life, the girls' lives, your friends and family's lives and even in the lives of people who don't even know you in this present.  It's a little annoying, you always hogging the spotlight...ha!

Do you remember that one time when we were in high school, and we made my Japanese sister so mad because she asked what "ripping shitties" meant and we showed her?  She was mad at me FOR-EV-ER for that.  

Do you remember that one time we went snowdrift surfing in your little gold Chevette, you got stuck and I had to walk miles and miles (not really, probably just up the street) in the freezing cold without a coat (because we were teenagers that didn't wear coats) to round up help to get you out?  

Do you remember that one time my senior year, your junior year we broke up and you put a song on a cassette tape, Bryan Adams "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" (yes, I kind of had to look that up on the Google it's been so long) so I could listen to it in my car to remember that no one got me like you got me?  

Do you remember when you asked me to marry you?

Do you remember when I told you we were going to have a baby? 

Do you remember when I told you we were going to have another baby, in the car, with a 6-month-old in the back seat (while living with my parents, gasp)?  You threw my cigarettes out the window immediately because I'd been keeping this a secret for 2 weeks! (No, children, I wasn't smoking in the car, although I might have been smoking the 2 weeks I already knew....sorry Al)

Because I do.  

I remember ALL of these things and one million more things that would take me all of 2024 to list.  I will always love and cherish all the things, I'm not who I am without these moments that shaped my life, all the moments with you.  

Yes, even the worst moment, the moment I knew you were gone.  

YOU taught me to live, annoyingly, so large.  YOU taught me to live each day as if it were my last, also annoyingly.  YOU taught me to forgive and forget what I couldn't change because the only thing I could change was my reaction.  I learned so much from you while you were here, but the most important thing you taught me is to love with my whole heart.  Because that's what you did.  Every day I loved you with my whole heart until the day, 15 years ago, it broke into a million tiny pieces.

You would be so, so proud of these children we brought into this world.  Emily is a travel nurse flying and/or driving all over the country, seeing all the things and being the best nurse, she knows how to be.  Allyson is teaching and shaping young minds at the pre-school she works at, "her" kids call her Miss Allyson, and I couldn't love that more.

I am so full of pride at how they've taken the broken pieces of their hearts and built such wonderful lives for themselves.  In the years you've been gone this is the one thing I worried most about.  This loss that changed their lives forever shaped them into the MOST wonderful people I know.  These girls are so much better than I ever dreamed they could be.

MEMORIES: Our lives are shaped as much by those who leave us as they are by those who stay. Loss is our legacy. Insight is our gift. Memory is our guide. Love everlasting. 

Sending hugs to all of those who are remembering you today and every day.  

Glasses up at 6a is looking a little different this year as we'll all be "phoning it in" haha, we're still doing it. 

I loved you then and love you still, keeping your memory alive as best as I can.  

You're forever etched on my heart.  

Fly high JY.

Thanks for checking in, L

5110 = 14 years

 

Days you’ve missed = 5110

I can’t believe we’ve missed 14 years of you.  It’s hard to remember the sound of your voice, the warmth of your hugs or the sound of your laughter.  14 years is the number of wedding anniversaries we shared.

2022 taught me that no matter how many days there have been between the “with you” and the “without you”, at a snap of a finger I am transported back to that moment in time where my world went silent. 

It’s been a tough year, for everyone.

This summer, my lake BF tragically lost her dad, her mom lost her husband, and my lake family was forever changed.  I loved this man.  I spiraled headfirst into that familiar dark place, a place I had only been a couple of times in the past 14 years.  I owned that loss, like I owned JYs.  It took a conversation with my parents to recognize this, once I pulled myself back, I became just one person who had experienced the same thing, but not the same thing, because no one loss is the same.  I could relate more to Momma S (husband) than I could my BF (dad) and I hated all of that.  I helped without helping or giving advice, but when the siblings looked to me for answers/guidance, I only provided this with utmost certainty, “she will do what she needs to do, whatever that looks like, and then one day, when she’s ready, she will pull her boots up and move forward”.   Bonus advice “she’s a grown ass woman, she can do what she wants”….that might not have been the best advice, but something that I had repeated and lived on a daily basis for all of 2009.  (if you know you know)

Had you lived, would we still be us?  I’ve been reflecting on that for a while now, I don’t know the answer to that question, I know I never will.  We were the best of friends the last couple years of your life, I will always cherish those years and love the team we became.  I mourn those years and you missing out with the girls the most.

The children are doing amazing things despite the crazy, scary world we live in.  And sadly, I’ve kind of reverted back to those early years without you, the not having control of all the situations and demanding control just because losing you made me feel so out of control of every situation.  They are grown ass adults making the best decisions they know how and gd I’m so proud of them.  Every single day I think our children are living their best lives and doing all the things and I get to watch all of it.  They really are the super stars of our life together, the best parts of us all rolled into neat little (or not so little) people.  WE. DID. THAT. Isn't that just amazing?

_________________________________________________________

I read this today, on the FaceBook and it just hit…

You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once –

You lose them over and over, sometimes many times a day.  When the loss, momentarily forgotten, creeps up, and attacks you from behind.  Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home, they are gone.  Again.

You don’t just lose someone once, you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn, and as you awaken, so does your memory, so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart, they are gone.  Again.

Losing someone is a journey, not a one-off.  There is no end to the loss, there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat, when it washes over.

Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea, they have a journey ahead of them, and a daily shock to the system each time they realize they are gone.  Again.

You don’t just lose someone once; you lose them every day.  For a lifetime.

@ Donna Ashworth Words

____________________________________________________________

Number 14, isn’t that just the shits.  Stay near, watch the children, we all need a little JY watching over us.

Cheers J, love always and forever.

L

Another year....

As usual, I'm sitting down writing this in the 11th hour.  

 

This year, words escape me, well every year until the day before, words escape me.  I suppose this year shouldn't be any different than all the years past, I've got writers block, in a big way.  So, I'm getting a little help this year, from the littlest little, stepping up to help her mama out….

 

4748 Days, 113,952 Hours, 6,837,120 minutes and one trillion and some more seconds since we’ve seen your face, heard your voice and felt one of your magical hugs.  I’d be lying if I said it gets easier missing you over time.  But the sad truth is that it doesn’t and truly never will.  But that’s ok because you know what?  The friends and family that had the pleasure of knowing you have carried on your legacy since the day you passed to the present.

 

Just last week I was reminded of how big of an impact you’ve made on not only your family but so many close friends.  I was told, and I quote, “your dad was one of the best people I knew” then we talked about the endless memories of your life.  It brought so much joy and love to my heart.

Enough of the sadness, if you couldn’t tell already this is Allyson typing this year and mom won’t let me say because I’m the most illiterate one of the group (because she’s not).

Let’s recap the year, shall we!!

Emily, bless her heart, graduated college, COLLEGE!!  We couldn’t be prouder of the amazing person she is becoming.  She has a full-time job working at the U of I Hospital and she’s loving every second of it!  I wish you could be here to see the amazing things she’s doing.

I’m currently living in Iowa City with Emily and a lot of roommates (all gross boys), going to Kirkwood part-time for Early Childhood Education and working part-time at a Montessori school.  Harley (mom’s dog even though she says Harley is ours) lives with us too getting all the loves from all the roomies.  Moving to Iowa City was probably the best decision I’ve made so far, being an adult is hard though, someone should have told me. 

It’s been a year of growth and rebuilding for both Emily and I.  We wouldn’t be the people we have become without the love and support of our family and friends.  Thanks for keeping dad alive in your hearts and the next time you see us, tell us a story.  Thank you, Al

I will leave you with something I read on the FB 💓

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright,

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more,

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive,

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger,

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting,

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess,

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire life to forget them.

Glasses raised at 6a, thanks for checking in.

L

4380

 4380. In case you were wondering, that’s 12 years. 

I have written this post a million times in my head over the last couple of weeks.  Wouldn’t you know, when I finally have the time to sit and write this, the words escape me and anyone who knows me, knows that I’ve ALWAYS got plenty of things to say and usually on repeat. 

Twenty-twenty has been the year of “It’s fine, we’re fine, everything is fine”.  But it hasn’t been fine.  It has been shitty with a side of shittier, for everyone.  While I’m happy to report, we’re all in good health, we lost some really great people this year (an uncle, an aunt and my fur-ever best friend).  *Sidebar* You guys, to tell a person who doesn’t really like to hug anyone outside her immediate circle in the first place, that I CAN’T HUG….oof, I never thought the NOT hugging would be any kind of issue for me, but it was. 

Despite all that is shitty in this world, I find myself wondering how you would have reacted to all the crazy 2020 has brought.  Would you have been the staunch c-o-n-spiracy theorist I knew you to be regarding the VID/Rona/COVID?  Would you have bought EVERY Trump sign there was and painted the town with them (like that one time, when Bush ran)?  Would you still be beating the Trump drum saying “there’s still a chance” even tho, gosh, there probably isn’t?  I do know one thing; you are missing out on a hell of a lot of debates to win/lose with your FIL.  The more I ask myself how you would have handled all of this, the more I think that you probably would have lived your best life, every day like it was your last.  Just like you did in all 34 years you had. 

You would be so damn proud of these children.  E soon will be taking her LPN boards while continuing her journey to becoming a nurse (thanks COVID for tacking on another year of school) and working PT.  A is going back to school in January concentrating on early childhood education and working a couple PT jobs.  They are living together in IC and being the support system they’ve always been for each other.  My heart is full and I’m so proud of them, they are out there doing things I never dreamed of doing.

I'm sure I don’t need to tell you how much has changed in 12 years, I’m sure you’ve been paying attention.  Our kids have gotten older (they’re old enough to drink legally now!!), our parents have gotten older, our friends have gotten older, married with children (!!), I’ve gotten older all while you’ll forever stay 34.  

I've changed.  I’ve learned to “let things go” (mostly), I say NO more often, I say yes less often, I try not to take anyone’s shit and I grew a backbone somewhere along the way. 

Another thing that’s been magnified since losing you is my need for control.  I suppose it stems from feeling so out of control after losing you, about going a little crazy too trying to find the me I was supposed to be with you gone.  I need to be in control, like of everything, ask my family…LOL. 

Along with needing to be in control, I’ve developed a mild case of OCD.  To be fair, I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I’m sure those who live with me, or have, know I like things a certain way (for example there must be an even # of smokes left in my pack at the end of the day).  I get rattled if my life is “out of sorts”, so every day is the same for me, every single day.  I wake up, I make coffee, I let the dogs (or more recently, dog) out and I smoke while catching up on the Facebook. 

One of the things I love about Facebook is that it reminds you of your life past with its daily Facebook memories.  Looking at my FB memories is one thing that is part of my daily routine, if I don’t, my day is wrecked.  Leading up to this day, the memories have always been from my head, like all I did was work and live for the next day to come and not living for this day while JY had the days off work leading up to his leaving, so days for him were spent in the moment and with the girls and I remember all the things I missed but felt so thankful for the time he had with them by himself (hindsight).  Luckily, each day FB reminds me of those days prior with the things we did as a family, things I had forgotten in my grief.  JY had only recently talked me in to joining FB maybe a couple of months before he left, so while those times before are limited, they are packed full of the shenanigans we shared. 

The FB memories also remind me of how broken and lost I was in that first year.  I don’t even recognize the person who wrote some of the things I see in my memories.  It’s yet another reminder of how far in my grief journey I’ve come.  Some days, the grief of where I am in life and where you are is almost too much to bear.  Other days the grief reminds me of how I clawed us out of the hole we were in to get us to the place we are today, and dang, I’m proud of that girl.  Grief is different for everyone, period.  For example, I don’t know if you knew but I spent the first year after losing JY at the bottom of a vodka bottle doing questionable things.  I would have never admitted that in 2009.  The first year was the worst, realizing I didn’t like the person I had taken a year to become and kicking that vodka bottle to the curb was the first step back to finding who I was without JY, it’s been a high mountain to climb but I’ve never given up.

When we love deeply, we mourn deeply; extraordinary grief is an expression of extraordinary love. Grief and love mirror each other; one is not possible without the other. Joanne Cacciatore, Bearing the Unbearable

I wish a lot of things were different 12 years ago, but I also believe that God needed you for a greater good.  Most of you know, I don’t have the best relationship with God, but believing any other reason why JY would leave his children, well, I won’t entertain it. 

I am the person I am today because of J.  I will love him forever for that.

Do your thing, J and watch over these children of ours, they will always carry you in their hearts.  

Just like me.

Cheers, JY

L

Overuse I love you...

The last words said to me at 6:00a, December 31, 2008 were, "I love you".

O-ver-use = Use too much

I am fully aware that I'm a regular offender of overusing “I love you” and I'm not sorry.  I NEED those closest, those furthest, my circle, my people to know that if I take my last breath before seeing you again, my love for you should never be a question. 

I tell the hubs I love him every day, like 50 times a day, and I mean it every single time.  I tell the girls, every time I talk to them.  I tell my parents, every time I talk to them.  I tell my sister (each member of her family), every time I see her/them.  IT’S IMPORTANT THAT THEY ALL KNOW.  

Love hurts.  It’s a deep hurt when you lose the love that you thought you’d have forever.   

Love is happy.  It’s happy when your babies say it, even when they’re 20 and 21.  When the hubs says it.  When you hear it from your loved ones and friends.

Love is sad.  It just is sometimes.  

Love is scary.  It’s scary when the one you love passes and takes a little piece of you with them, forever, fearing you’ll never love again.  Also, scary because when you do love again, you’re forever waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Love is smothering.  It’s smothering, I’m sure, for the children when all I want to do is help them make the “right” decisions when they might not necessarily be the right decisions for them, but for me for them.

Love is everything.  It’s my everything.  It’s always been my thing.  I love fiercely.  I may not like you because you’ve pissed me off, but I’ll always love you (I feel like I’ve said this a lot this year). 

So, when I say, “I love you”, I mean it in the purest form.  I don’t say it because that’s what comes next, or because it’s the right thing to say at the right time, or because Fireball Okra.  I tell you because everyone deserves to know if someone loves them, loves what they add to your life and to what depths because (in the words of JY) you take a chance waking up in the morning.

"If I ever tell you about my past, it's never because I want you to feel sorry for me, but so you can understand why I am who I am."

Because of those last words spoken to me in the voice I haven't heard in 11 years; I will always make sure you know that "I love you".  I'll never be able to communicate how much or how deep that love is rooted.

No matter how hard this day is, love lives from beyond.

Cheers at 6a..

Thanks for checking in, L

Ten

Ten years you’ve been gone.  There hasn’t been a day, in the last 3,650 days, that has gone by where you haven’t been a thought in my head or a sigh in my heart. 

The girls have now been without you for as many years as they had you.

I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks.  And here I sit, 11:21pm and still I struggle to find the words that my heart wants and needs to pour out.  Here I sit, about to remember what tomorrow brought me 10 years ago.  Here I sit, struggling again with the “what ifs”.  Here I sit, wishing I could have one more minute knowing I’d only want more.  And here I sit, my heart breaking all over again.  I welcome the hurt, because if it didn’t hurt, it didn’t matter. 

The last 10 years have encompassed all the feels.  The last 10 years has reminded us that some things just aren’t meant to stay the same when someone you love, leaves.

No matter how much love you hold in your heart, no matter how great your life is just living, laughing and loving, grief is a real sneaky bitch.  Always there, always present.  I do my best to spare those I love with the burden of my grief, the real life of it but sometimes…..usually after partaking in too many shots (not proud), that pain sneaks out and hits whoever is present to witness it.  To those who’ve experienced that in the last 10 years, I want to thank you for listening, hugging that messy girl, drying her messy ugly tears, not judging whatever falls out of her mouth in those messy moments and for sure not telling her she’ll be ok.  I’ll never be ok.  I’ll always and forever have a hole in my heart where JY once occupied.  I will manage, I have managed, and I will continue to manage that messy part of me.  That messy part of me that makes me the person I am today. 

That is the real life of it.  You could be flying high on the proudest moment of your life so far and BAM, the grief bus hits you square in the heart. 

Something I read this year:

I promise to continue living my life honoring yours.  Whatever I do and wherever I go, I’ll always feel your sparkle in my heart.  I hope to make you proud and that wherever you are, you’re able to feel how much I remember you and love you.

So, I guess that’s what I’ll do, keep on doing and trying my best to do it well.  I’ll continue to remember and love all the good and bad times, because that was us, the real life ugly beautiful us.  I wouldn’t trade it. 

If I had to pick just one thing that the last 10 years has taught me it would be this:  Make.Every.Moment.Count.  Take the picture, overuse “I love You”, be the silliest, hug the friend, tell your rents/siblings/nieces/nephews you love them (every time), show up without calling, don’t apologize because your bathroom is absolutely disgusting, drink the shot, and eat the damn white cake.  You only live once; shouldn’t you be happy? 

JY lived every day as if it would be his last and I’ve got the pictures to prove it.

Be near, J.

L

3285, Nine Years

Al was nine when you left.  If that's not putting things into prospective, I don't know what will.

Some days it feels like day one, some days it feels like the millionth.

Today, as in years past, you are here with us, enjoying your annual 6a toast.  You've been here a lot this year.  I've seen you in decisions made by me, by the girls, by all who love you.  I know it's absurd to think that everyone pauses before making a decision and says, "What would JY do?"  I know I sometimes catch myself asking, I hope, at least, our children do too.

The littles are now adults, making their own way in a big world that I hope I gave them enough sense to make it in.  What I left out, I know JH filled in.  They still have trouble remembering to check the oil and/or getting the oil changed in their cars on a regular basis, but they're working on it.

Both are in college, something neither of us did.  For that one thing, my heart swells with pride.  Both in the medical field, something I know you were the driving force behind.  Whether it be the circumstance they were put in or their drive to give back what was taken, whatever the reason, I find it amazing.  Our children are going to be so much more then we ever dreamt of being.  I know you wanted them to be more then we were, they are, I always knew they would be.  You'd be so proud.

All grown up, making adult decisions and then telling me about them, later.  The biggest of all this year was asking JH to adopt them.  I cried when they told me; happy tears, proud tears and sad tears.

Happy tears because they have a man in their life, not as a replacement to you but as an addition TO you.  A man that loves them and shows them, even when they forget about the oil in their cars....and maybe because in nine years I finally have the validation that I didn't screw everything up trying to make our way.

Proud tears because they, themselves, discussed this plan and were so freaking happy about doing this, how it was just right, researching and putting this plan in action.

Sad tears because I didn't want anyone to think they've forgotten you and call them out on it, because, you know it's the world we live in.

To them, JH and I are their parents when they talk about us to others.  To them, we're here, living and loving.  For them, this was right and again my heart swells with pride.

I struggle.  There is a smile on my face and love in my heart, but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt still with your absence.  Sometimes, I think, people forget that of all of us who lost you.  No matter how many days pass, you'll always have a piece of my heart with you, wherever you are.

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.

—Leo Buscaglia

Be near, the children need you in their heads and hearts.....honestly, so do the rest of us.

Love always, J.

L

2920

Eight years. 

It's been a tough year.  It's been a long time since I've said that, in an out loud, being real long time.

We, as a family and as a community, lost a lot of great people this year.  People I need to believe you've welcomed with open arms....

Eight years ago I didn't know God's plan for us or why losing you happened....maybe it was to help our loved ones.

Any type of loss is tough.  For me, it's hard to step back in to that grief so completely without losing a little bit of the person I've tried so hard to become - happy, whole.

Please don't misunderstand my words.  I'm here to listen, I'm here to validate all of your emotions that transpire, I'm here to tell you "it's ok" and I'm here to be whatever you need me to be but with the mutual understanding that your road is and will be different than mine and that present day I struggle with this responsibility.

Like me, our girls have been put in the same position, supporting their family and friends.  It's hard  for them too, sometimes I forget how hard it is for them growing up without you here witnessing all the awesome things they do.  It's hard for them because they were nine and ten when you left.  At nine and ten, you don't have friends to lean on in the way you need to lean and you sure don't know how to communicate your feelings.  At that age, you have a different support system, a wonderful support system, but a different one that is more protective.  Now that they're older, they have different, more "grown up" thoughts.  I don't know that I can explain it so that anyone can understand it.  It's as if they are faced with the same grief but at this age they can better process it?  There have been questions now that I didn't have to answer then.  There have been more intense emotions that we've had to deal with now that we didn't have to then.

The best advice I can offer?  Do not let anyone (no matter who they are to you) dictate the way you grieve, the way you live, the way you pick yourself up and move forward or the way you cope with the hole that was left in your life.  Please promise me this.  No one has the right, no one.  You do, however, need to move forward.  The past is a nice place to visit as long as you don't unpack your bags and stay there.  I say that with all the love in my heart.

Why do I mention this now?  I mention it now because this year more than any other year, I've felt you walking through our grief at our side.  I've seen you in my dreams more this year than any other.  I've heard you in songs.  I can feel you more this year than any other year.  It's a huge comfort, huge.  So, if walking through this last year has brought that closeness, I'm not mad about it, I cherish it....so much.  

It's also been a year of changes, big changes.  E graduated from HS, applied and was accepted to Mercy College of Health Sciences to pursue her nursing career, moved out of the house and is currently "adulting" as best as she can with a little help from mom and Jeff every now and again.  She doesn't visit too often, mostly because there are still rules at home, but mostly because she's working in addition to school.  She accepted a position as a PCT (CNA) at Methodist hospital.  She says college is hard but you won't hear that she's giving up on her dream.

A is currently a senior in HS and totally READY to "get out of that place".  I feel like she finally gets what I've been telling her since freshman year, HS is a minute of your life, it really means very little after you graduate.  She works a job she hates but knows if she doesn't work, she has no gas money, so she's motivated to keep going every weekend.  She's finally thinking about her future, she wants to go into sports medicine or something of that nature, it kind of changes every day so I am most generally 2 steps behind unlike JH who seems to ALWAYS be in the know.....frustrating.  It's our favorite time of year, Basketball season is in full swing.  I wish you could have seen the smile on Al's face when she started her first varsity game, maybe you did when she pointed to the sky in her pre-game hand banter with a teammate while being announced.  It was her proudest moment and one she surely missed you being there for.

Our babies are growing up and moving on, away from their mama.  The realization of this has me weighted down, I'm in denial, I'm in the "what the hell are we gonna do when they leave" stage.  I'm caught between being silly happy about being "empty nesters" and demanding they stay with me for-ev-er.  It's a weird time and I'm struggling to keep up.  Al is breaking her promise of living with us forever when she told me she's thinking of moving out in the fall when she goes to school....just because she can.  UGH!!

I spend my days being completely amazed by the life I have, I truly mean that.  I'm amazed at our children, the adults they're becoming.  I'm amazed at the love that I have in my life from a man that didn't have to choose us but did.  I'm amazed by the friendships I have and the people who've stuck even when if I was being an asshole.

I am blessed that I have my family close (except for when the rents think they need to be in Texas) and know that I can count on them - especially when I'm headed out the door for 5 day trip and was just reminded I might need something notarized in case something happens to Al while we're gone.

So, another year has come and gone at an alarmingly fast pace.  Another year we've toasted your 34 years at 6a.  Another year where you've missed so many hugs.  Another year.....

Be near, JY, be near.

Always love, JY.  Love never dims.

Thanks for checking in.

L

2555

2555 days…Seven years.  Seven years without hearing your voice or seeing your face, live and in color.  Seven years without your rantings about basketball, politics, how you were "robbed" at Wii Bowling and how awesome you are at Texas Hold ’em.  Our 10 year old turned 17 and our 9 year old turned 16.  Seven years has been a lifetime of changes.  

Last year I thought it was an off year, a year where I didn’t feel you as close as you had been in the past.  This year, you are present in this statement, “The late Jeff Young” as in "the daughter of".  It’s E’s Senior year I knew it was coming and I know I’ll hear that phrase a million more times but I wasn't prepared for that first time, not at all prepared.  Every time I hear it this year, my heart will break a little more for the life events you’re missing out on and for your children who will stand tall and face them without you.  Those girls amaze me. 

I don't feel the need to recap the year for you in regards to the girls, I know you fly high watching over them letting them know in your little ways that you're here.  AKY has dreams of you, I honestly think she talks to you in her sleep, I know she goes to the one place she feels you nearest, where you are laid to rest.  EHY dreams of being a nurse in the cardiac unit so she can "save young men like my dad", to save others from broken hearts that she knows might be nearly impossible but she'll do it anyway.   

I too see little glimpses of you in my dreams....just once in a while. 

The girls are making their way to adulting faster than I'd like.  I see the changes, gone are the butting heads and talking back now I see more negotiating and respecting.  What's more shocking is that both have jobs and no longer ask for money hand outs, you know, unless they are driving somewhere FOR ME then I must replace the gas they used to do that something for me.  I fear they no longer need me for all the things they needed me for just a few short years ago, tear.   

The last seven years for me have been full of peaks and valleys, highs and lows, sometimes more lows than highs.  I've had people come in to my life and leave my life.  I've had people tsk, tsk the choices I've made and applaud the choices I've made.  Do you know what I've figured out, I can waste my time trying to please everyone (which will never happen) or I can spend that time pleasing myself and my loved ones.  The rewards are FAR better doing the latter.  Life is just too damn short.   

I know I am truly blessed with the love I have in my life.  

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Dr. Seuss 

Rest assured that your memory lives on in so many people, in the hearts of your children, in the hearts of your family and in the hearts of the people who were so drawn to you.  You haven't gone anywhere, you are always here, you stay in our hearts because there is still love so strong for you there.  You stay in our hearts because who you are is who we are.  Your memory lives strong here.   

Love always JY, always. 

Thanks for checking in, 

L