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Two-thousand-one-hundred-ninety days that you’ve been gone.  Your 6^th Angel-versary.  Cheers to you at 6a. 

I heard a song I hadn’t heard in forever, Alan Jackson singing “Where were you (when the world stopped turning)”.  I know what historical event that song was written for, however, it took me back to the day MY world stopped turning.  Until my dying day, I will never forget that day…sometimes, many times, I really wish I could forget.  I wish I could forget the pain I felt, the anger, the extreme sadness when I had to tell our girls and the being lost.  I look back and I don’t even recognize that person, the person I was that day and months following losing you.  But I do recognize her, I just don’t like to visit her very often.  The lesson I've learned and am finally OK with; the world doesn’t stop turning, the people around you don’t stop moving, life stops for no one and nothing.  We just put one foot in front of the other, we don’t forget, we don’t replace, we just move forward and deal with the hand we were dealt – much like the game of poker you loved so much, J.    

This particular 365 days for me has been about songs.  Songs that remind me of you that take me back to happy times, sad times, to silly assed times we spent together, to that song you put on tape that time I broke up with you in High School, to you introducing me to something other than (gasp) country.  Songs I like, songs I love, songs that play a big part in my life that mostly seem to remind me of you.  Sometimes it hurts so much I have to turn the station for fear of remembering whatever BIG event it revolved around and sometimes, most times, I smile while singing along.  Let’s be honest, you introduced me to some great music like 2 Pac, Snoop Dog, Nate Dog, DMX, Biggy Smalls, Silverchair, Creed and my favorite, Eminem.  I’m pretty well rounded musically because of you even if the majority of the songs on my iPod are still country….I just can’t help myself.  I tried filtering it, but I’ve passed on your love of diverse music to the girls, including Easy E (much to my dismay).  I still think they are country at heart.

It’s been a “shit is getting real” year for us.  We’ve talked “college financial planning” with Emily and had “weighing your options” conversations with Allyson.  It’s really hard for me to comprehend that in a few short years our children will be gone doing their own thing, let's face it, without me.  That’s when Allyson reminds me that she’s going to live in the basement we don’t have for-ev-er.  Today, I’m OK with that.  I worry that I haven’t taught them all there is to teach them.  I worry that I haven’t been there enough, that I didn’t do enough when you left, that when it was us against the world IT REALLY WAS US AGAINST THE WORLD.  They had to grow up fast, they had to take care of their barely hanging on mama, and they’ve had to “make the most of” the phenomenal subs in their lives.  Listen to me, having the same worries that all parents do.  Deep breaths, right?  JH tells me, “At some point you have to let go, cut the strings, if they make mistakes we’ve still got time to correct them”.  He’s right (don’t tell him I said that), I know, but it’s still hard.  I don’t want them to make mistakes, I don’t want them to make the same choices I did or you did…I want them to be better than both of us.  Again, what all parent’s want for their children.  Despite the challenges they’ve grown up with, they’ve made some pretty good decisions thus far….or at least the good ones have outweighed the few bad ones they’ve made.  And I have to remind myself of two things:  #1: I have to believe in myself and JH that we've given them the tools, all the right speeches and the "if mama would think it's a bad idea, it's probably a bad idea" talks to make good decisions.  #2: They are teenagers, they are going to make mistakes, that's how they learn.  Someone should have told me (and everyone who is thinking about being a parent) that being a parent is HARD, period.  Shoot, I make bad decisions on a daily basis, I just hope they do as I say and not as I do ;)

This 365 days have been different, maybe because it’s an “off” year?  And what is an off year?  Is that even a thing?  An off year…..really Lesa, who says that?  I guess maybe I do.  So maybe it’s not an “off” year.  Maybe it’s just a year, not like the 5^th year, or the first year.  I can’t put my finger on it….maybe I never will. 

Maybe it was a different year because I didn’t feel you near as I have in the past…do you think I don’t need you?  We all need you, we all need to feel you near.  We will always need to feel you near, no matter how much time passes, no matter….just no matter what.  So when a song comes on, I know it’s you.  When Allyson takes her car on a joy ride, I know you’re there riding shotgun probably just for the fun of it.  When Emily is making the tough decisions on what she wants to be when she grows up, I know you’re there guiding her the way you would if you were really here.  WE need to hang on to this.  And maybe, I do too, just a little….just a little.  I need to know the decisions I’m making in my own life are following through on the things you wanted for us, for me.  Sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone and ask “Am I doing this right?”  These are the things we need to believe in. 

The girls and I made our way back to church this fall.  It’s probably been the best decision I’ve made in the 6 years you’ve been gone in regards to the girls.  The first sermon I heard was the one I needed to hear most.  It was like Pastor Nick knew I was coming and knew what I needed to hear.  While I know that isn’t the truth at all, that’s how I knew I’d made the right decision for us.  The message was letting go of the anger at God for “taking” your loved ones.  That day, I did what I could to make it so.  Now, I’m not saying I’ve done a complete 360, I’m still me…smoking, sometimes drinking, cussing, and just partaking in not such good Christian behavior, I do recognize the changes I need to make.  I’m trying and that's a step in the right direction.  

I'm happy.  Sometimes just saying that out loud feels a little dirty, I get guilt ridden sometimes over it.  Then I remember our conversations and the guilt floats away.  I can't feel guilty for doing the one thing you wanted for us in life.  

“The anniversary date of a loved one’s death is particularly significant.  You will have done something you thought was impossible a few months earlier.  You will have survived an entire year without someone who was as important to you as life itself” – Bob Diets

Another year has come to an end, another year you’ve missed so much by not being here physically, another year passes and we are still here, left behind, missing you and sending our love to heaven. 

As I say every year, J, you will forever be in our hearts.  For-ev-er.

Thanks for checking in.

L