5110 = 14 years

 

Days you’ve missed = 5110

I can’t believe we’ve missed 14 years of you.  It’s hard to remember the sound of your voice, the warmth of your hugs or the sound of your laughter.  14 years is the number of wedding anniversaries we shared.

2022 taught me that no matter how many days there have been between the “with you” and the “without you”, at a snap of a finger I am transported back to that moment in time where my world went silent. 

It’s been a tough year, for everyone.

This summer, my lake BF tragically lost her dad, her mom lost her husband, and my lake family was forever changed.  I loved this man.  I spiraled headfirst into that familiar dark place, a place I had only been a couple of times in the past 14 years.  I owned that loss, like I owned JYs.  It took a conversation with my parents to recognize this, once I pulled myself back, I became just one person who had experienced the same thing, but not the same thing, because no one loss is the same.  I could relate more to Momma S (husband) than I could my BF (dad) and I hated all of that.  I helped without helping or giving advice, but when the siblings looked to me for answers/guidance, I only provided this with utmost certainty, “she will do what she needs to do, whatever that looks like, and then one day, when she’s ready, she will pull her boots up and move forward”.   Bonus advice “she’s a grown ass woman, she can do what she wants”….that might not have been the best advice, but something that I had repeated and lived on a daily basis for all of 2009.  (if you know you know)

Had you lived, would we still be us?  I’ve been reflecting on that for a while now, I don’t know the answer to that question, I know I never will.  We were the best of friends the last couple years of your life, I will always cherish those years and love the team we became.  I mourn those years and you missing out with the girls the most.

The children are doing amazing things despite the crazy, scary world we live in.  And sadly, I’ve kind of reverted back to those early years without you, the not having control of all the situations and demanding control just because losing you made me feel so out of control of every situation.  They are grown ass adults making the best decisions they know how and gd I’m so proud of them.  Every single day I think our children are living their best lives and doing all the things and I get to watch all of it.  They really are the super stars of our life together, the best parts of us all rolled into neat little (or not so little) people.  WE. DID. THAT. Isn't that just amazing?

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I read this today, on the FaceBook and it just hit…

You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once –

You lose them over and over, sometimes many times a day.  When the loss, momentarily forgotten, creeps up, and attacks you from behind.  Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home, they are gone.  Again.

You don’t just lose someone once, you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn, and as you awaken, so does your memory, so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart, they are gone.  Again.

Losing someone is a journey, not a one-off.  There is no end to the loss, there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat, when it washes over.

Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea, they have a journey ahead of them, and a daily shock to the system each time they realize they are gone.  Again.

You don’t just lose someone once; you lose them every day.  For a lifetime.

@ Donna Ashworth Words

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Number 14, isn’t that just the shits.  Stay near, watch the children, we all need a little JY watching over us.

Cheers J, love always and forever.

L