Today, I love my life.
Why today? Because I think I'm finally in the place I thought I was over a year ago. Where I was a year ago was showing everyone around me that I'm fine, that I can do this, that I'm superwoman...but I wasn't and I'm not. Today is different because I can finally look at my life and see the future. The girls are healthy, doing well in school, thriving in our 'new' environment without J and making me proud every time I turn around. I'm doing it. I'm handling it and when I can't handle it, I ask for help. We're happy. I haven't been able to say that for a very, very long time. Sure, in the last 4 (or so) months there have been some pretty significant changes in our lives...but I think with those significant, major changes we're all adapting, accepting and moving on.
Another step forward that we've recently taken together...the girls and I are in counseling. I wasn't going to mention it but I can't help but think that all this clarity and being 'ok with the skin I'm in' has something to do with talking to someone who hasn't been in our lives for the last 15 months and validates the choices I've made or the thoughts I've had as an unbiased 3rd party. Having someone say that some of the things I question about myself along with my actions and decisions are ok and (OMG) normal is such a breath of fresh air....it's amazing the weight I feel has been lifted from my shoulders. It upsets me that I down played counseling so much for so long. I've learned so much about myself and the girls in the short time we've been going that I recommend it for everyone who feels like they are in a bad place in their lives. Just my opinion, of course. It helps, says the one who can do it ALL for herself and her own....I know, right??
For many months after losing J, I was hurting, I was sad and I was so alone. I was worried that I would be alone for the rest of my life. While I'm not ok with being alone for the rest of my life, I won't settle. I realized that it's going to take a VERY special person to put up with me and my busy, messy life. But I also think that there is someone out there that is up for the challenge, that will stick by my busy, messy life and me for the long haul. J was once that special person, he put up with a lot but he loved me with all that he had and I will cherish that for the rest of my days. But I can't live in the past forever, nor can I wish for the same thing I had with J. I can never have that again....and I'm ok with that, today. I miss him. His bad habits, flaws and all. It went both ways. We were best friends. And worst enemies. And it worked for us. But that is over. Someday, I'll find the one who will stick....someday.
Thanks for checking in....
L
2 comments:
You don't know me, I came across your blog when I was checking out my niece's blog.
I was deeply moved by your blog and you write so well. I feel like I know you and my heart goes out to you.
Glad that the counselling has helped you so much. I have always felt like you, that I can do things on my own, but right now I'm in a place where I've been toying with the idea of trying it.
You write so very; well have you ever thought of writing a book?
One thing I would caution though is how much information you put on the blog because I've been able to get so much information on your family (guess that's why I feel I know you) but I told my husband that is why I don't ever want to do a blog unless of course it is private.
But that being said I thank you for letting me share in your life. I'll keep you and the girls in our prayers and wish you all the best.
Lesa! It's Jennifer!!! I too was very moved by this blog/ I'm glad that you are seeking counseling, not only for you, but for the girls. You ARE SUPER-WOMAN and such an inspiration to me. but even Super-woman needed help one time or another. i'm sure of it!!! I'm so glad you are doing better!
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