It's a good place to be...

Where?? The place I'm sitting in my life right now.

I had my last scheduled counseling session yesterday...that was liberating. When the counselor said to me, "Lesa, I feel like you have a handle on things right now. I feel like your a completely different person now then you were when I first met you. You know what you want, your at a happy place in your life. I feel like we don't need to meet every other week but if you ever need to talk about something, I'll always be here to listen." At first, I was a little shocked but after thinking and hearing what she said, I'm ok with it. I DO feel better after all the sessions I've had. I DO feel like I have a handle on my life and all the things in it. I DON'T feel like I'm falling apart or 'doing it wrong'. I'm ok with this. Believe it or not, counselling confirmed a lot of things for me about my life and it was worth setting aside my pride and asking for the help I needed but didn't know I needed. Those who know me, know how hard that was for me to do.

I learned a lot in counseling. One of the most important things I learned was, I'm STILL writing MY book on grief and my book isn't done yet. But it's MY book, not anyone else's and it's my way of dealing and there really is no right or wrong in my book. Did you hear that....IT'S NOT WRONG. I think I needed to hear that, no, I know I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that from an unbiased third party that didn't know me from the next guy. In my head I've been living in the "OMG, what do people think about me, that I'm not laying down and dying, that I'm not more broken. Do they think I've forgotten? Do they think I'm 'doing it wrong' according to them?" Guess what...I don't really put stock in what people think about what I'm doing anymore because I'm writing my own book, for me. When 'people' walk a mile in my shoes then maybe 'people' can have a say and then maybe I'll care (or maybe not, because it's still different)...until then, I'm me and I'm doing this myself.

Since losing J, I've been in a lot of stages of grief. I realize (now) that I spent a lot of time in the denial stage last year with my 'wild ways' and worrying everyone close to me. I get that. The point is, I recognized and pulled myself out of it. I learned that it's ok to visit each and every stage of the grieving process, as long as it's just a visit and I don't show signs of moving in.

You know I've never said this but, it's nice hearing that everyone is proud of me for doing what I've been able to do since losing J. And those who've said that to me KNOW I always counter that with, I'm just doing what anyone else would do in my position, which I wholeheartedly believe. I attribute a lot of this to the way I was raised with the 'Buck up Buckaroo' parents I had (said with much love mom and dad). But, finally, I'm proud of me, and that's something I haven't been able to say to myself until now. I'm proud of doing things my way and not listening to others opinions on how I should be dealing. I feel like the girls are proud of me too. And equally important, I feel like J would be proud of me...there was a time in this last year plus that I didn't believe he would. I'm doing exactly what he wanted me to do, moving forward.

The road that I have traveled getting to this exact spot in my life, is the road that I was meant to travel. The why's will always be there and will never be answered. Every thing that I've experienced and done (right or wrong) since losing J has made me a stronger person than I was when he was here. I've found myself without him. So far, in my mind, this is my greatest accomplishment.

Thanks for checking in....

L