When J and I decided to get married, when we set the date, I wanted to make sure J would NEVER be THAT guy who forgot when his wedding anniversary was. So, I made it easy for him. Our wedding date was one week after his 20th birthday, on the first day of October. It worked, because he never forgot it, once.
When your setting your wedding date a week after your spouses birthday so he can easily remember, you aren't thinking about what that week is going to do to you when your spouse is gone. Anniversaries are supposed to be happy times. The only anniversaries I 'celebrate' now are the anniversaries of J's death, or the anniversary of his funeral, or the next big thing he's missing. Anniversaries aren't happy anymore.
This week, along with the waiting around for the big one (10/1 would have been our 16th year of marriage, 20 years total spent together) I've been sick. When I get sick, life goes on, there is no stopping, resting, or getting better. It also means I'm a little on the sensitive side...ok, a lot on the sensitive side. I need someone I can lean on, someone to help, someone to carry me when I need to be carried. The only one I want is not here, he'll never be here. No one can understand that....even if you've been thru it.
After almost 2 years without him, I thought it would be easier, that it would hurt less...all it does it hurt more. It aches. It stings. It burns like a band-aid getting ripped off my heart every day.
Happy 16th Anniversary J. I'm so pissed you aren't here to get me a damn goofy card that says everything you couldn't say out loud to me. You loved me the best way that you could, for all those years it was enough and when it wasn't, you knew and you gave more. You weren't the best, but you were the best you could be and I loved you with everything I had in me. It wasn't enough to keep you here, and I'll never understand why it wasn't.
It's that time of year. A lot happens in the next three months. I need to be on my A game. Right now, I'm sporting my D+ game and that's not acceptable if I'm gonna get thru it.
Thanks for checking in...
L
2 comments:
((((HUGS)))) from your Aunt that let you play boggle when no one else you can do at least a C+ Love Aunt Deb
It's been awhile since I checked in. The days go fast; life happens. Can't believe it has been two years . . . and your 16th wedding anniversary. Still sending my condolences . . . and my congratulations, L, on the two years, the tough part.
Spooky . . . the word verification is asking me to retype "demom" . . . "de mom" . . . De Mom! I think J is telling you, you girl! ya girl! you are doing okay! you "de Mom"!
Post a Comment