One...

One bathroom sink, one big toilet, one small toilet, one dishwasher, one stove, one fridge, one set of kitchen cabinets, one bath tub, one room with the same carpet, and one person trying to be two while raisin’ up two beautiful girls, runnin’ a house and trying to make as few mistakes as she can. This is all that is left of the home I shared with J. The changes had to be made, I think I’ve said that before, for me to be comfortable in my own home without moving….I love my house now, I love hanging out there, I love spending time with the girls there, I love being happy there....and we are happy, in case you were wondering.

The changes made to the house aren’t the only changes that have been made in the last 22 months, I’ve changed. I’m not as trusting as I used to be, I’m cautious and almost a little afraid of what’s lurking just outside of my comfort zone, I’m a freak about my kids, I’m a freak about the people I don’t know who live in my town, I'm a total homebody...It's weird and I now consider myself one of those "helicopter moms" LOL.

Before, unlike now, I didn’t care what other people thought of me until I recently started hearing little things being said here and there questioning the kind of mother I am – please, just don’t go there, ever. If you ever want to hurt me where I live, attack the 'kind' of mother I am. All I have in the world are my children, my family and the few friends that have stuck. The only one missing is J…I will always love him, I will always miss him, and he will forever and always be a part of my life because of the children and the love we shared….

My wise, wise mother told me one night this week, "L, you don't need to prove yourself to anyone". I agree....but I DO have to prove myself to me, and I'm my toughest critic.

I hurt because I’m alive….that’s exactly it.

Thanks for checking in…..

L