730

Dear J,

It's been 730 days since I woke up to you giving me a squeeze not knowing it would be the last one I'd ever get from you. It's been 730 days since our life together came to an abrupt end and, I'm sorry but, I'm still pissed about it. I'm pissed over the big and little things you've missed in the last 730 days. And I'm pissed you aren't here for me to tell you how pissed I am about it. Being pissed is part of the grieving process, so I'm not worried that at some point I'll stop being pissed you aren't here....I just wish this part would be over soon because being pissed takes a lot of energy and I'm just plain tired.

E and A are my saving grace. They are the reason I get out of bed each and every day, they are the reason I remember to breathe and believe it or not, they are my best friends. I could be having the shittiest day in the history of shitty days and all I have to do is hear one of them tell me they love me and everything is right in my world. Believe me when I tell you, our children are amazing little people...you would be so proud of them. I am so proud of them.

One of your babies had to make a tough decision recently and in the end she chose to finish what you started, J. She didn't want to let you down. And the most important thing is that she feels like she made the right decision because she wanted to make you proud, even if she feels differently now. She keeps you alive in the youth program that was your dream, your second love. She was proud of you for all the sacrifices you made and the time you put in to something that was so important to you. Isn't it funny, the things you think your children don't notice, believe me, they notice.

E is a starter on her Jr. High basketball team and is doing quite well. She plays just like you did, all over the place and shooting every time she gets the ball. She's a work in progress but she's doing great and I see the same passion and love you had. It's an amazing thing to see, I wish you were here to see it, as does she.

A is point guard on her basketball team. She's proud that she found the courage to do it. She thanks you for believing in her when she didn't believe in herself. She's highly annoyed with her current coach to the point of looking up or making up her own plays to teach her team. She said to me one night, "mom, I'm going to coach basketball when I grow up just like dad did." I believe she will, because she said she was going to.

They are growing up right before my eyes and they are both beautiful in all the ways that matter. Of course, I could do without them fighting with each other, but I've mastered the art you were so good at...I can now ignore with the best of them.

For all that they have lost with you gone, I truly believe that they will be stronger, wiser and they will prevail. It's such a double edged sword....

We talk about you every day, that's something that will never change. You're children will never forget you, I'll make sure that they don't, no matter what changes in our lives that is something that will always stay the same.

This year, we watched every video we have of you, relishing in your laughter and hearing your voice letting the warmth surround us. Funny, I didn't realize how often you were behind the camera. If it wouldn't have been for you picking up the camera so often, we wouldn't have all the video we have, so I thank you. I hope that when the girls are older and have their own set of home videos, they can recognize what I saw in every tape. One look at your face will tell them that in the time you were here with them, they were everything that was good in your life. There is so much love on your face when you look at them that there would be no mistake that you loved them VERY much. I also hope that the girls come to cherish their birth videos as much as I do, those videos answer every question they would ever ask...never mind acting as great birth control. All kidding aside, I do hope that in the years to come, those videos will be a comfort instead of bringing tears of things lost to their hearts.

Even though I'm pissed that you aren't here, I still miss you every day, my heart hurts every day. There isn't a day, an hour, a minute, a second that goes by that you aren't somewhere in my thoughts. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to pick up the phone to tell you what silly assed thing one of the girls said that made me almost pee myself when reality slaps me in the face. Reality is a real bitch. Every once in a while someone will say to me, man I really miss J during this time or that time. While I appreciate that someone, anyone is thinking about you or thinking about the hole you left in every one's life, it hurts to hear. And that's when I remind myself, everyone has their own lives, and everyone has moved on. They don't have the daily reminder that you aren't here anymore. I get that, I don't hold it against anyone, I'm not mad....just hurt. That's on me, something I have to come to terms with and I will...eventually.

This is the hardest time of year for me, missing you.

We're half way through the youth basketball season and this year, I made the decision that this would be the last year I ran it. What I didn't realize was how hard letting it go would be for me, it was always your thing, your dream, I was just there helping. I didn't and don't have the vision or the passion you did, but it's still hard letting go of your dream. By letting go of this one very important thing, I feel like I'm giving up a part of you that I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of. Maybe by the end of the season I'll feel differently, I just don't know.

Christmas (not counting blowing shit up on 4th of July) was your favorite holiday, and you were here, I know it. No matter how loud and long you bitched about how much it cost or how much I spent, you always enjoyed the smiles the Santa gifts put on your babies faces even if it meant getting up at 6a on Christmas morning :) And don't worry, there was a present under the tree for the girls with your name on it, something that hasn't changed. The girls insisted on hanging your stocking again this year, but I'm sorry to say, Santa missed you....never fear, 2 new ornaments were hung on our tree in your honor. See, you were here.

NYE will not ever have the same meaning for me. Maybe someday I'll feel like it will be a day to celebrate, but not this year, maybe not next year, but maybe someday. And I'm not sure your shot of choice will ever be good at 6a on NYE morning, but we're gonna try it again this year :)

The girls and I, well, we're doing fine, no matter what the general opinion is. We have happy times, we have sad times, we have fun times, and we have not so fun times but we always have each other. All of these things we would still have if you were here, so we just pick up your slack. To me, it's not a fail, it's a win, I guess. Don't get me wrong, it'd be WAY better if you were here, but you know....we work even if you aren't here to smooth out the rough edges.

In the past 8 months or so, I've closed myself in and pushed away a lot of people, I know that. I've learned it's the only way to save myself from heartache and disappointment. Is it right? Probably not, but it's the right thing for me to do, right now. Thank goodness my family and friends respect that this is what I have to do. If you were here, you'd be kicking my ass from here to next Sunday....I know, get over it....I do what I want, shrug.

Every night for the last 730 days I've said 3 things before closing my eyes: I miss you, I love you, I'll never forget you.

Every morning, no matter what day, I wake up at 6a to something I've heard either in a dream or reality. I don't think I've ever told anyone that.

I am who I am in large part because of you. I wouldn't change a thing, no matter how much it hurts, I need you to know that.

Awe, I love you babe, I always will. Watch over your babies, hug your family, always be near...if only in the dreams you visit them in.

L