Tis the season to be thankful, that's what Thanksgiving is all about, right?
For me, this time of year is the beginning of the countdown to the moment that changed my life forever.
It's weird, ya know, looking back to the months leading up to that moment trying like hell to find any sort of sign that should have triggered my mind that something horrible was going to happen. But even now, almost 3 years out, I can't find one. Or if there was one, I chose to ignore it. And by ignoring it, we lost something that can't ever be replaced...and maybe replacing isn't what I mean, but instead filling the hole that was left in our lives. Because there is a hole, a really big, gaping hole that we all find ourselves falling into at the most silly times and places.
I miss J. I know, no matter what our life was together, I always will. But I think I miss him more for not being here for the girls. More than I miss him for myself. They need him like I don't think I ever realized they would. There is something about girls and their dad's (because, duh, I still need mine)...something I never understood while he was here, something I probably never will understand. And because of that, I hurt, I'm angry and I'm sorry. They need him every day...every single day.
No matter how much I bust my ass to be what they need in life, to raise them the way I know J and I would have if he were still here, it'll never be enough...tough job (that's an understatement). This doesn't make me anything special, it makes me a real, live person who has what every one has...a family that comes first no matter the situation we're in.
I have a lot to be thankful for...I have two amazing children who are my world and everything that's good in it, I have thee best family a girl could have, I have thee best friends who know when I need them and when I don't, I'm alive in every sense of the word and I have memories (good and bad) to remind me of who I am and why. Because without the memories, who are we really?
Thanks for checking in and if I happen to disappear until 12/31/2011, it's ok, it's what I do. Besides, you know where to find me if you want to :)
L
1 comment:
Thinking of you, girl . . . at this milestone. You'll make it through, you will. We'll all be sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Those girlies, your girlies, they are lucky to have you and yours. So you just keep on, keeping on. You are doing fine.
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