One Thousand Ninety-Five...

Dear J,

Three years….YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE YEARS. Three of thee longest and shortest years of my life. In three years your oldest went from age 10 to age 13. In three years your youngest went from age 9 to age 12. In these three years, your children may only have aged a few years but they’ve had to grow up faster than most kids their age.

I tell them often, “it’s us against the world and we have to stick together.” In turn they often remind me that life just isn’t fair because they don’t have a dad, to that I have no response and no obvious quick solution. Sometimes, I feel like they blame me because you aren’t here. I know they don’t really think that, it’s just all in my guilt ridden mind. Even saying or writing that seems outlandish. But what they don’t understand, what I hope they never understand, is that for five VERY long days after you were gone, I waited to hear that there was no way I could have saved you that morning….that with all my efforts, you were already gone. I don’t remember much in the days, weeks, or months that followed losing you but I do remember thinking I could have done more to save you. I’ve finally forgiven myself for not being able to bring you back that morning. You can’t believe the weight that lifted off of my shoulders when I finally let that guilt go.

Our girls are amazing, period.

E is an 8th grader, top dog in Middle School. She’s already got the driving study guide so she’s ready for the permit test in a couple of months. She wants to take Driver’s Ed in the spring and (gasp) she wants to get a school permit. She’s slowly been talking me in to the school permit thing by reminding me that if she has that, I won’t have to do the 6a basketball practice anymore because she could drive herself. I have to hand it to her; she’s almost mastered your fine art of negotiating and damn near has me buying what she’s selling, this is a scary revelation. E is pulling awesome grades, has a bit of a chatting problem during class, is a FB junkie and texts like it’s her job. The kid has a great head on her shoulders. She doesn’t strike me as a follower most days and I know she doesn’t let her friends push her around. I’m so incredibly proud of Em.

A is a 7th grader and in pure “little sister” fashion has latched on to all of her older sisters friends, much to E’s dismay and disgust. Don’t get me wrong, she has LOTS of her own friends, she’s friends with everyone. A is really trying hard to figure out where she belongs in life. It’s an amazing thing to watch your child grow up and make grown up decisions. After having such a hard time in 6th grade, 7th grade is her year. At the moment, A is pulling all A’s…leaves me speechless, I couldn’t be more proud. Poor kid is a mini-me, she’s loud, funny, loving, caring and puts her friends and family first in everything she does. Sometimes, this gets her feelings hurt….Yup, just like me. I find myself reminding BOTH of the girls that I’ve done it all…..twice. And I’ll always find out about whatever they think they’re gonna get away with. Sometimes, I think they actually believe me.

For all that you are missing here physically; we know you’re here at the most important times. I want to believe that the things I write to you, you already know. I still talk to you whenever I’m having a moment. I still curse at you like your actually here to take it. And I still send out prayers that you watch over and protect the ones that need you most.

It’s been a long time since I’ve wished you back. It’s been a long time since I stopped believing you were on a vacation somewhere. It’s been a long time since I actually believed I woke up in a real life nightmare. In three years, I too have grown up. After you left, I stopped believing in happy endings and I honestly thought I’d spend the rest of my days walking this life alone. I'm changing my mind a little on these things. While my life is lonely without you, I’m never really alone. I learned that I can let love in again, even if it means breaking my own heart. I’m strong when I need to be and I lean (mostly) when I need to. Most importantly tho, I've stopped getting stuck on the why of it and started living....and healing.

Every single day, I think about all the things your missing. Last year I was angry at you, this year, I’m just sad for you.

I know one day we’ll stop counting the number of days you’ve been gone. One day we’ll stop missing you on the big and little days that pass us by. But for now, your still very much a part of our daily conversations, and there is usually a "funny dad" story in most everything we do. The girls and I are on a forward path, the only direction that works for us. This doesn’t mean we’ll forget, to forget would mean that it didn’t matter. That just isn’t true.

The ache and the pain of you not being here gets less and less. It won’t ever go away, it just gets different. For some, the pain of you not being here is forefront in their lives. Please be nearest to them, they need to feel you near. Continue watching us from where ever you are, even if it’s only in our dreams.

My favorite quote from this year is this:

"When someone you love dies, people ask you how you're doing, but they don't really want to know. They seek affirmation that you're okay, that you appreciate their concern, that life goes on and so can they. Secretly they wonder when the statute of limitations on asking expires (it's three months, by the way. Written or unwritten, that's about all the time it takes for people to forget the one thing that you never will). "
- Sarah Ockler

I don't blame anyone for forgetting you, babe. If I didn't have two daily reminders of your absence I'd probably be lumped up in this same group. Because of this, I found myself doing some forgiving this year, letting go of some of the disappointment I have. I also realized the forgiving and disappointment wasn't for my benefit but for the benefit of the girls. I decided that if people don't want to be in their lives FOR YOU, then they don't really deserve to be a part of how amazing your children are, period.

2012 is a new year full of corners and doors, with choices to either turn or go straight, leave the doors closed or open them. 2012 is a year full of opportunities and possibilities just waiting for us to reach out and grab. I’ve no reason to believe that your family isn’t deserving of happiness, love and new beginnings.

We’re fine J, I really believe it. And that, my friend, was my hurdle of 2011.

Thanks for checking in…

L