Forty

Mama is not rounding the corner, on the down side, peeking over the hill or around the bend from FORTY…..she is knocking on the GDMF’ing door.  Believe me, I wish I wasn’t.  

I wish, sometimes, I could go back a few years and then maybe go back a few more.  I don’t think I’d want to make any changes, because to make changes would be to make me a completely different person than I am today and I like the person I am today, but more for enjoying (again) the moments that I may have rushed myself through. 

I would cherish ALL of the moments I had with JY (even the not so great moments).  The “just the US” moments…we were always rushing in to the “next logical thing” after getting married.  You know that life changing song we all grew up to…”First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.”  We, or maybe it was just me, were so focused on bringing our own little bundle of joy into the world and then being frustrated because it was taking so long that it wasn’t fun anymore.  We should have made it fun….we should have cherished all those months and all those months should have brought us closer together instead of the little wedge it caused only to be dissipated by the little lines on the pee stick telling us “look what you did, you fools”….happiest day ever, I hope I always remember that.  

Then the moving in with the parents with a six month old to remodel “this house” that we had to have.  Then the “surprise, you did it again” pee stick, while holding previously mentioned six month old.  Then the “little’s” crawling, walking, running, NE-VER stopping.  Then the sweet little voices changing to big voices yelling “MOM” “DAD” “OMG I broke my finger” “I love you”.  Yeah, I would cherish all of them a little more than I did the first time around.    

I would tell my past self to shore up, man up, and for the love of god, own your life.  Don’t make excuses for your unhappiness, own them.  Be independent, do for yourself.  Tend to your relationships with your family and friends because, dude, you’re gonna need them and they’re gonna need you in the near future.  I owe my life to the family and friends who “stuck like glue” in the first months/years after JY left.  I will never be able to repay that kindness, ever. 

Most importantly, I would tell my past self, you’ll be proud of you in a couple of years, I promise. 

I’ve heard the saying FORTY IS THE NEW THIRTY, so CHEERS to that!  So, in a week, I will grieve my THIRTIES for all the happy and very, very sad things that happened.  I would like to thank my THIRTIES (specifically age 37+a few months) for the brightest part…..finding “the one I’d been searching for” and making my family whole again.  Not replacing but filling the hole we’d all been walking around and ignoring, with love and making our broken, fixed.  Happiest day ever (you can have several), I hope I always remember that.   

Forty….I have a few changes to make in my fortieth year and A LOT more moments to cherish.

Stick around.  

Thanks for checking in.

L