Five Years = 1825 Days

Dear J,

Today marks your five year "Angel"versary.  Some days that feels like a life time and other days it seems like just this morning.  6AM shots/toasts for the one's who still partake.  SO much has happened since you've been gone.  The girls and I reflect on all that you've missed often which sometimes makes the hurt seem less painful.  Healing takes a life time, we're learning.

Emily is 15 soon to be 16.  Driving (Dear God).  She's a sophomore in HS and gets much better grades than you and I combined ever did.  She's active in track and, against my better judgment for obvious reasons, boys basketball stat.  Emily looks just like you, J.  As she gets older, she sees the world and people for what they're worth and what they bring to her life.  She questions EVERYTHING, including me.  She always "knows best" and WAY more than me.  The days she's most difficult are the days I wish you were here.  And I know you are...you're here guiding me and reminding me that just because I brought her into this world, I most definitely can't take her out of it :)  I honestly never thought I would have any issues with the "teenage" years...apparently I'm paying for all the trouble you stirred up when you were her age.  Thank GOD none of your friends have been around to tell Emily all the stories about your shenanigans as a child and a teenager.  All that aside, Emily is a great kid growing into a beautiful young women with lots and lots of hopes and dreams.

Allyson is 14 soon to be 15.  Driving (Dear God).  She's a freshman in HS and also is a really good student, her grades are better than ours ever could have dreamed of being.  Allyson's motivation is sports.  While Allyson looks and acts just like me, she's a kid after your own heart.  She loves basketball and track and excels at both.  Allyson has labeled herself "the good kid" because she "always does what she's told".  I think it's because she never gets caught but so far this kid is a an amazingly awesome kid who is her OWN person no matter what others say about her.  She goes with the flow and still buys that "mom knows all".  I'm on borrowed time here, but I'll take what I can get.

Both of our girls amaze me, everyday.  I'm incredibly honored and proud to be their mom.  They are all I ever hoped they'd be, you know in spite of the tragedy they've walked through.  Our children are all any of us have left of you, JY, and I cherish every minute I have with them because of that. 

As I reflect on the last five years without you here, I remember the person I was on the day you left us.  I was empty, broken and completely lost on how I was going to go on without you here.  While the first year after you left is still so much of a blur, I remember bits and pieces of that year and those are best left in the past.  However horrible my actions were in that first year, I'm giving myself a break.  I used that year to find out who I was, how the hell I was going to raise our two children on my own and honestly, I did what anyone else would do in my position.  I DID IT ALL.  And while I'm not proud of some of it, I make peace by telling myself I needed to do it.  I can now tell my family and friends, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for putting all of you through all that worry that first year.  But I thank you for allowing me to do what I needed to do without interference. 

The last couple of years were big for me.  I did what you always told me you wanted me to do; I found someone to love, who loves me and loves the girls like his own.  Thank you for guiding him my way ;)  Although JH hates hearing it, I couldn't have asked for a better man in our lives.  Everyday, I thank my lucky star that our paths crossed that night two years ago.  He is patient, kind, has a big heart and he accepts and encourages us to remember and cherish you, he knows how important you are in all of our lives, including his.  He's also lost his ever loving mind signing up VOLUNTARILY to take on us ladies, but he claims "he can handle anything", so who am I to argue?  For real, though, I never thought I'd ever love another until he walked into my life.

People assume, incorrectly, that because I'm happy and so crazy in love that I've "moved on" or "forgotten" you.  News flash....Remarried does not equal forgetting.  You can honor your past, you can treasure your past, you can and should LOVE your past but you do NOT have to live in your past.  I read on a grieving blog somewhere that when it comes to love, our hearts are truly without capacity or limits.  Even reading this and feeling what I feel, I had trouble believing.  The love I have for you, JY, will never go away.  I will always love you, JY, for the person I was when you were here, for the person I became when you left and for sure the most important for the lives we created out of our love.  It just so happens I had MORE love in my heart then I ever dreamed possible on that fateful day five years ago.  Five years ago, I might as well have passed with you....

The girls and I did some grief counseling at ATP this year.  All 8 weeks of meeting at ATP I asked myself "why didn't we do this sooner?"  The only answer I could come up with is that it wasn't the right time for us then, until now.  Being the "oldest" in the group (years vs months into my grieving) I felt like I was meant to wait so I could help the members of my group.  Knowing that I might have helped someone else going through what I did the slightest bit helped me more than anything I could have done before that moment.  It was so fulfilling, I'm signing up for volunteering at ATP in January. 

I know I missed my yearly post to you last year...I told you there would come a time when we would stop counting the seconds, hours, days and years you've been gone.  This year, I wanted you to know that no matter how long you've been gone there are so many who still miss you on a daily basis.  You are forever in our hearts and forever on our minds.  Fortunate for me, all I have to do is look at our children and I see you....I see you in their faces, in their actions and I hear you in their voices.  When they wrap their arms around me, I feel your embrace.  You are here JY, in the hearts of everyone you met and held dear.  No matter what changes, one thing never will....We will always love you.

Forever.

Thanks for checking in....
LH