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Eight years. 

It's been a tough year.  It's been a long time since I've said that, in an out loud, being real long time.

We, as a family and as a community, lost a lot of great people this year.  People I need to believe you've welcomed with open arms....

Eight years ago I didn't know God's plan for us or why losing you happened....maybe it was to help our loved ones.

Any type of loss is tough.  For me, it's hard to step back in to that grief so completely without losing a little bit of the person I've tried so hard to become - happy, whole.

Please don't misunderstand my words.  I'm here to listen, I'm here to validate all of your emotions that transpire, I'm here to tell you "it's ok" and I'm here to be whatever you need me to be but with the mutual understanding that your road is and will be different than mine and that present day I struggle with this responsibility.

Like me, our girls have been put in the same position, supporting their family and friends.  It's hard  for them too, sometimes I forget how hard it is for them growing up without you here witnessing all the awesome things they do.  It's hard for them because they were nine and ten when you left.  At nine and ten, you don't have friends to lean on in the way you need to lean and you sure don't know how to communicate your feelings.  At that age, you have a different support system, a wonderful support system, but a different one that is more protective.  Now that they're older, they have different, more "grown up" thoughts.  I don't know that I can explain it so that anyone can understand it.  It's as if they are faced with the same grief but at this age they can better process it?  There have been questions now that I didn't have to answer then.  There have been more intense emotions that we've had to deal with now that we didn't have to then.

The best advice I can offer?  Do not let anyone (no matter who they are to you) dictate the way you grieve, the way you live, the way you pick yourself up and move forward or the way you cope with the hole that was left in your life.  Please promise me this.  No one has the right, no one.  You do, however, need to move forward.  The past is a nice place to visit as long as you don't unpack your bags and stay there.  I say that with all the love in my heart.

Why do I mention this now?  I mention it now because this year more than any other year, I've felt you walking through our grief at our side.  I've seen you in my dreams more this year than any other.  I've heard you in songs.  I can feel you more this year than any other year.  It's a huge comfort, huge.  So, if walking through this last year has brought that closeness, I'm not mad about it, I cherish it....so much.  

It's also been a year of changes, big changes.  E graduated from HS, applied and was accepted to Mercy College of Health Sciences to pursue her nursing career, moved out of the house and is currently "adulting" as best as she can with a little help from mom and Jeff every now and again.  She doesn't visit too often, mostly because there are still rules at home, but mostly because she's working in addition to school.  She accepted a position as a PCT (CNA) at Methodist hospital.  She says college is hard but you won't hear that she's giving up on her dream.

A is currently a senior in HS and totally READY to "get out of that place".  I feel like she finally gets what I've been telling her since freshman year, HS is a minute of your life, it really means very little after you graduate.  She works a job she hates but knows if she doesn't work, she has no gas money, so she's motivated to keep going every weekend.  She's finally thinking about her future, she wants to go into sports medicine or something of that nature, it kind of changes every day so I am most generally 2 steps behind unlike JH who seems to ALWAYS be in the know.....frustrating.  It's our favorite time of year, Basketball season is in full swing.  I wish you could have seen the smile on Al's face when she started her first varsity game, maybe you did when she pointed to the sky in her pre-game hand banter with a teammate while being announced.  It was her proudest moment and one she surely missed you being there for.

Our babies are growing up and moving on, away from their mama.  The realization of this has me weighted down, I'm in denial, I'm in the "what the hell are we gonna do when they leave" stage.  I'm caught between being silly happy about being "empty nesters" and demanding they stay with me for-ev-er.  It's a weird time and I'm struggling to keep up.  Al is breaking her promise of living with us forever when she told me she's thinking of moving out in the fall when she goes to school....just because she can.  UGH!!

I spend my days being completely amazed by the life I have, I truly mean that.  I'm amazed at our children, the adults they're becoming.  I'm amazed at the love that I have in my life from a man that didn't have to choose us but did.  I'm amazed by the friendships I have and the people who've stuck even when if I was being an asshole.

I am blessed that I have my family close (except for when the rents think they need to be in Texas) and know that I can count on them - especially when I'm headed out the door for 5 day trip and was just reminded I might need something notarized in case something happens to Al while we're gone.

So, another year has come and gone at an alarmingly fast pace.  Another year we've toasted your 34 years at 6a.  Another year where you've missed so many hugs.  Another year.....

Be near, JY, be near.

Always love, JY.  Love never dims.

Thanks for checking in.

L