3285, Nine Years

Al was nine when you left.  If that's not putting things into prospective, I don't know what will.

Some days it feels like day one, some days it feels like the millionth.

Today, as in years past, you are here with us, enjoying your annual 6a toast.  You've been here a lot this year.  I've seen you in decisions made by me, by the girls, by all who love you.  I know it's absurd to think that everyone pauses before making a decision and says, "What would JY do?"  I know I sometimes catch myself asking, I hope, at least, our children do too.

The littles are now adults, making their own way in a big world that I hope I gave them enough sense to make it in.  What I left out, I know JH filled in.  They still have trouble remembering to check the oil and/or getting the oil changed in their cars on a regular basis, but they're working on it.

Both are in college, something neither of us did.  For that one thing, my heart swells with pride.  Both in the medical field, something I know you were the driving force behind.  Whether it be the circumstance they were put in or their drive to give back what was taken, whatever the reason, I find it amazing.  Our children are going to be so much more then we ever dreamt of being.  I know you wanted them to be more then we were, they are, I always knew they would be.  You'd be so proud.

All grown up, making adult decisions and then telling me about them, later.  The biggest of all this year was asking JH to adopt them.  I cried when they told me; happy tears, proud tears and sad tears.

Happy tears because they have a man in their life, not as a replacement to you but as an addition TO you.  A man that loves them and shows them, even when they forget about the oil in their cars....and maybe because in nine years I finally have the validation that I didn't screw everything up trying to make our way.

Proud tears because they, themselves, discussed this plan and were so freaking happy about doing this, how it was just right, researching and putting this plan in action.

Sad tears because I didn't want anyone to think they've forgotten you and call them out on it, because, you know it's the world we live in.

To them, JH and I are their parents when they talk about us to others.  To them, we're here, living and loving.  For them, this was right and again my heart swells with pride.

I struggle.  There is a smile on my face and love in my heart, but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt still with your absence.  Sometimes, I think, people forget that of all of us who lost you.  No matter how many days pass, you'll always have a piece of my heart with you, wherever you are.

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.

—Leo Buscaglia

Be near, the children need you in their heads and hearts.....honestly, so do the rest of us.

Love always, J.

L