4380

 4380. In case you were wondering, that’s 12 years. 

I have written this post a million times in my head over the last couple of weeks.  Wouldn’t you know, when I finally have the time to sit and write this, the words escape me and anyone who knows me, knows that I’ve ALWAYS got plenty of things to say and usually on repeat. 

Twenty-twenty has been the year of “It’s fine, we’re fine, everything is fine”.  But it hasn’t been fine.  It has been shitty with a side of shittier, for everyone.  While I’m happy to report, we’re all in good health, we lost some really great people this year (an uncle, an aunt and my fur-ever best friend).  *Sidebar* You guys, to tell a person who doesn’t really like to hug anyone outside her immediate circle in the first place, that I CAN’T HUG….oof, I never thought the NOT hugging would be any kind of issue for me, but it was. 

Despite all that is shitty in this world, I find myself wondering how you would have reacted to all the crazy 2020 has brought.  Would you have been the staunch c-o-n-spiracy theorist I knew you to be regarding the VID/Rona/COVID?  Would you have bought EVERY Trump sign there was and painted the town with them (like that one time, when Bush ran)?  Would you still be beating the Trump drum saying “there’s still a chance” even tho, gosh, there probably isn’t?  I do know one thing; you are missing out on a hell of a lot of debates to win/lose with your FIL.  The more I ask myself how you would have handled all of this, the more I think that you probably would have lived your best life, every day like it was your last.  Just like you did in all 34 years you had. 

You would be so damn proud of these children.  E soon will be taking her LPN boards while continuing her journey to becoming a nurse (thanks COVID for tacking on another year of school) and working PT.  A is going back to school in January concentrating on early childhood education and working a couple PT jobs.  They are living together in IC and being the support system they’ve always been for each other.  My heart is full and I’m so proud of them, they are out there doing things I never dreamed of doing.

I'm sure I don’t need to tell you how much has changed in 12 years, I’m sure you’ve been paying attention.  Our kids have gotten older (they’re old enough to drink legally now!!), our parents have gotten older, our friends have gotten older, married with children (!!), I’ve gotten older all while you’ll forever stay 34.  

I've changed.  I’ve learned to “let things go” (mostly), I say NO more often, I say yes less often, I try not to take anyone’s shit and I grew a backbone somewhere along the way. 

Another thing that’s been magnified since losing you is my need for control.  I suppose it stems from feeling so out of control after losing you, about going a little crazy too trying to find the me I was supposed to be with you gone.  I need to be in control, like of everything, ask my family…LOL. 

Along with needing to be in control, I’ve developed a mild case of OCD.  To be fair, I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I’m sure those who live with me, or have, know I like things a certain way (for example there must be an even # of smokes left in my pack at the end of the day).  I get rattled if my life is “out of sorts”, so every day is the same for me, every single day.  I wake up, I make coffee, I let the dogs (or more recently, dog) out and I smoke while catching up on the Facebook. 

One of the things I love about Facebook is that it reminds you of your life past with its daily Facebook memories.  Looking at my FB memories is one thing that is part of my daily routine, if I don’t, my day is wrecked.  Leading up to this day, the memories have always been from my head, like all I did was work and live for the next day to come and not living for this day while JY had the days off work leading up to his leaving, so days for him were spent in the moment and with the girls and I remember all the things I missed but felt so thankful for the time he had with them by himself (hindsight).  Luckily, each day FB reminds me of those days prior with the things we did as a family, things I had forgotten in my grief.  JY had only recently talked me in to joining FB maybe a couple of months before he left, so while those times before are limited, they are packed full of the shenanigans we shared. 

The FB memories also remind me of how broken and lost I was in that first year.  I don’t even recognize the person who wrote some of the things I see in my memories.  It’s yet another reminder of how far in my grief journey I’ve come.  Some days, the grief of where I am in life and where you are is almost too much to bear.  Other days the grief reminds me of how I clawed us out of the hole we were in to get us to the place we are today, and dang, I’m proud of that girl.  Grief is different for everyone, period.  For example, I don’t know if you knew but I spent the first year after losing JY at the bottom of a vodka bottle doing questionable things.  I would have never admitted that in 2009.  The first year was the worst, realizing I didn’t like the person I had taken a year to become and kicking that vodka bottle to the curb was the first step back to finding who I was without JY, it’s been a high mountain to climb but I’ve never given up.

When we love deeply, we mourn deeply; extraordinary grief is an expression of extraordinary love. Grief and love mirror each other; one is not possible without the other. Joanne Cacciatore, Bearing the Unbearable

I wish a lot of things were different 12 years ago, but I also believe that God needed you for a greater good.  Most of you know, I don’t have the best relationship with God, but believing any other reason why JY would leave his children, well, I won’t entertain it. 

I am the person I am today because of J.  I will love him forever for that.

Do your thing, J and watch over these children of ours, they will always carry you in their hearts.  

Just like me.

Cheers, JY

L