Random thoughts...

Lately I've been too busy to think about how alone I am. But sometimes, like tonight, it totally catches me off guard. Oh I think about it, like when I came home from Florida to no one but the dog waiting for me or when I had to have a meeting with the school for Allyson or when I had to pick out pictures for the family calendar when for the last year my family has been a family member short or like yesterday when I sat at the youth league basketball meeting by myself listening to the other league heads talk about J like he was just missing from the meeting and not gone forever....it's tough, some days tougher than I'll let you see.

Last week I did something...something I never thought I'd do for me, I've gone before but never for me. I went to a medium. Now, I'll be the first one to tell you I don't believe in that stuff, but.....after last week, I'm questioning a few things. I heard some things I needed to hear either from the medium or from some other source, but I heard the words and I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. So, I'm glad I went if for no other reason than to believe in myself again. To believe that I am a good person and not just a person that shitty things happen to. To believe that I'm here being the best mother and father I can be to E & A. To believe I'm doing what J wanted me to do, move on and be happy.

I know people check my blog on a regular basis just to make sure we're still here, making it thru each day - never fear, we are. I know I've been slacking on the job a little....but there are just some things I'm not ready to share, some things that are better (and safer) left unsaid or left in my heart, no matter how heavy a burden it is sometimes.

Thanks for checking in...

L