Ten

Ten years you’ve been gone.  There hasn’t been a day, in the last 3,650 days, that has gone by where you haven’t been a thought in my head or a sigh in my heart. 

The girls have now been without you for as many years as they had you.

I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks.  And here I sit, 11:21pm and still I struggle to find the words that my heart wants and needs to pour out.  Here I sit, about to remember what tomorrow brought me 10 years ago.  Here I sit, struggling again with the “what ifs”.  Here I sit, wishing I could have one more minute knowing I’d only want more.  And here I sit, my heart breaking all over again.  I welcome the hurt, because if it didn’t hurt, it didn’t matter. 

The last 10 years have encompassed all the feels.  The last 10 years has reminded us that some things just aren’t meant to stay the same when someone you love, leaves.

No matter how much love you hold in your heart, no matter how great your life is just living, laughing and loving, grief is a real sneaky bitch.  Always there, always present.  I do my best to spare those I love with the burden of my grief, the real life of it but sometimes…..usually after partaking in too many shots (not proud), that pain sneaks out and hits whoever is present to witness it.  To those who’ve experienced that in the last 10 years, I want to thank you for listening, hugging that messy girl, drying her messy ugly tears, not judging whatever falls out of her mouth in those messy moments and for sure not telling her she’ll be ok.  I’ll never be ok.  I’ll always and forever have a hole in my heart where JY once occupied.  I will manage, I have managed, and I will continue to manage that messy part of me.  That messy part of me that makes me the person I am today. 

That is the real life of it.  You could be flying high on the proudest moment of your life so far and BAM, the grief bus hits you square in the heart. 

Something I read this year:

I promise to continue living my life honoring yours.  Whatever I do and wherever I go, I’ll always feel your sparkle in my heart.  I hope to make you proud and that wherever you are, you’re able to feel how much I remember you and love you.

So, I guess that’s what I’ll do, keep on doing and trying my best to do it well.  I’ll continue to remember and love all the good and bad times, because that was us, the real life ugly beautiful us.  I wouldn’t trade it. 

If I had to pick just one thing that the last 10 years has taught me it would be this:  Make.Every.Moment.Count.  Take the picture, overuse “I love You”, be the silliest, hug the friend, tell your rents/siblings/nieces/nephews you love them (every time), show up without calling, don’t apologize because your bathroom is absolutely disgusting, drink the shot, and eat the damn white cake.  You only live once; shouldn’t you be happy? 

JY lived every day as if it would be his last and I’ve got the pictures to prove it.

Be near, J.

L