2555

2555 days…Seven years.  Seven years without hearing your voice or seeing your face, live and in color.  Seven years without your rantings about basketball, politics, how you were "robbed" at Wii Bowling and how awesome you are at Texas Hold ’em.  Our 10 year old turned 17 and our 9 year old turned 16.  Seven years has been a lifetime of changes.  

Last year I thought it was an off year, a year where I didn’t feel you as close as you had been in the past.  This year, you are present in this statement, “The late Jeff Young” as in "the daughter of".  It’s E’s Senior year I knew it was coming and I know I’ll hear that phrase a million more times but I wasn't prepared for that first time, not at all prepared.  Every time I hear it this year, my heart will break a little more for the life events you’re missing out on and for your children who will stand tall and face them without you.  Those girls amaze me. 

I don't feel the need to recap the year for you in regards to the girls, I know you fly high watching over them letting them know in your little ways that you're here.  AKY has dreams of you, I honestly think she talks to you in her sleep, I know she goes to the one place she feels you nearest, where you are laid to rest.  EHY dreams of being a nurse in the cardiac unit so she can "save young men like my dad", to save others from broken hearts that she knows might be nearly impossible but she'll do it anyway.   

I too see little glimpses of you in my dreams....just once in a while. 

The girls are making their way to adulting faster than I'd like.  I see the changes, gone are the butting heads and talking back now I see more negotiating and respecting.  What's more shocking is that both have jobs and no longer ask for money hand outs, you know, unless they are driving somewhere FOR ME then I must replace the gas they used to do that something for me.  I fear they no longer need me for all the things they needed me for just a few short years ago, tear.   

The last seven years for me have been full of peaks and valleys, highs and lows, sometimes more lows than highs.  I've had people come in to my life and leave my life.  I've had people tsk, tsk the choices I've made and applaud the choices I've made.  Do you know what I've figured out, I can waste my time trying to please everyone (which will never happen) or I can spend that time pleasing myself and my loved ones.  The rewards are FAR better doing the latter.  Life is just too damn short.   

I know I am truly blessed with the love I have in my life.  

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Dr. Seuss 

Rest assured that your memory lives on in so many people, in the hearts of your children, in the hearts of your family and in the hearts of the people who were so drawn to you.  You haven't gone anywhere, you are always here, you stay in our hearts because there is still love so strong for you there.  You stay in our hearts because who you are is who we are.  Your memory lives strong here.   

Love always JY, always. 

Thanks for checking in, 

L

Your guy.

He did it.  

Jeff Gordon announced his retirement from NASCAR at the beginning of the 2015 season and just like that, I will be losing one more thing that was you and I together. I know for the outsider looking in it seems a little f*cking nutty that I should be so upset about something that: #1 I have no control over.  #2 Jeff Gordon and I are not best friends.  #3 Jeff Gordon doesn't even know I'm alive.  #4 Jeff Gordon did not ask my permission to retire from something he's been doing the better part of 20+ years.  It's just, that (ugh) I am upset.  

I've been thinking about this from the day I heard the news.  I've actually cried and honestly could not for the life of me figure out what the hell my problem was with this announcement (see #1-#4 above).  I've teared up every "last" race he's started.  Seriously, you know me, it's annoying.  Then it hit me.  I shared this with you, I share this with JH.  It's one thing I could still love and not feel guilty about loving....or feel guilty about still loving with someone else.  You introduced me to the "game", JH has given me the opportunity to experience the "game".  You both love NASCAR, shit, you both love Jeff Gordon and I'm over here thinking I couldn't have gotten more lucky.  And now, it's ending....at least the "loving Jeff Gordon" part is ending.  The part I shared with you.  The part you introduced me to.  The part I've carried with me since you left.....  

I'm thinking, Chase Elliot when Gordon retires....after all, I think he'll be driving the 24 car.  

Go fast and turn left, JY!

L

2190

Two-thousand-one-hundred-ninety days that you’ve been gone.  Your 6^th Angel-versary.  Cheers to you at 6a. 

I heard a song I hadn’t heard in forever, Alan Jackson singing “Where were you (when the world stopped turning)”.  I know what historical event that song was written for, however, it took me back to the day MY world stopped turning.  Until my dying day, I will never forget that day…sometimes, many times, I really wish I could forget.  I wish I could forget the pain I felt, the anger, the extreme sadness when I had to tell our girls and the being lost.  I look back and I don’t even recognize that person, the person I was that day and months following losing you.  But I do recognize her, I just don’t like to visit her very often.  The lesson I've learned and am finally OK with; the world doesn’t stop turning, the people around you don’t stop moving, life stops for no one and nothing.  We just put one foot in front of the other, we don’t forget, we don’t replace, we just move forward and deal with the hand we were dealt – much like the game of poker you loved so much, J.    

This particular 365 days for me has been about songs.  Songs that remind me of you that take me back to happy times, sad times, to silly assed times we spent together, to that song you put on tape that time I broke up with you in High School, to you introducing me to something other than (gasp) country.  Songs I like, songs I love, songs that play a big part in my life that mostly seem to remind me of you.  Sometimes it hurts so much I have to turn the station for fear of remembering whatever BIG event it revolved around and sometimes, most times, I smile while singing along.  Let’s be honest, you introduced me to some great music like 2 Pac, Snoop Dog, Nate Dog, DMX, Biggy Smalls, Silverchair, Creed and my favorite, Eminem.  I’m pretty well rounded musically because of you even if the majority of the songs on my iPod are still country….I just can’t help myself.  I tried filtering it, but I’ve passed on your love of diverse music to the girls, including Easy E (much to my dismay).  I still think they are country at heart.

It’s been a “shit is getting real” year for us.  We’ve talked “college financial planning” with Emily and had “weighing your options” conversations with Allyson.  It’s really hard for me to comprehend that in a few short years our children will be gone doing their own thing, let's face it, without me.  That’s when Allyson reminds me that she’s going to live in the basement we don’t have for-ev-er.  Today, I’m OK with that.  I worry that I haven’t taught them all there is to teach them.  I worry that I haven’t been there enough, that I didn’t do enough when you left, that when it was us against the world IT REALLY WAS US AGAINST THE WORLD.  They had to grow up fast, they had to take care of their barely hanging on mama, and they’ve had to “make the most of” the phenomenal subs in their lives.  Listen to me, having the same worries that all parents do.  Deep breaths, right?  JH tells me, “At some point you have to let go, cut the strings, if they make mistakes we’ve still got time to correct them”.  He’s right (don’t tell him I said that), I know, but it’s still hard.  I don’t want them to make mistakes, I don’t want them to make the same choices I did or you did…I want them to be better than both of us.  Again, what all parent’s want for their children.  Despite the challenges they’ve grown up with, they’ve made some pretty good decisions thus far….or at least the good ones have outweighed the few bad ones they’ve made.  And I have to remind myself of two things:  #1: I have to believe in myself and JH that we've given them the tools, all the right speeches and the "if mama would think it's a bad idea, it's probably a bad idea" talks to make good decisions.  #2: They are teenagers, they are going to make mistakes, that's how they learn.  Someone should have told me (and everyone who is thinking about being a parent) that being a parent is HARD, period.  Shoot, I make bad decisions on a daily basis, I just hope they do as I say and not as I do ;)

This 365 days have been different, maybe because it’s an “off” year?  And what is an off year?  Is that even a thing?  An off year…..really Lesa, who says that?  I guess maybe I do.  So maybe it’s not an “off” year.  Maybe it’s just a year, not like the 5^th year, or the first year.  I can’t put my finger on it….maybe I never will. 

Maybe it was a different year because I didn’t feel you near as I have in the past…do you think I don’t need you?  We all need you, we all need to feel you near.  We will always need to feel you near, no matter how much time passes, no matter….just no matter what.  So when a song comes on, I know it’s you.  When Allyson takes her car on a joy ride, I know you’re there riding shotgun probably just for the fun of it.  When Emily is making the tough decisions on what she wants to be when she grows up, I know you’re there guiding her the way you would if you were really here.  WE need to hang on to this.  And maybe, I do too, just a little….just a little.  I need to know the decisions I’m making in my own life are following through on the things you wanted for us, for me.  Sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone and ask “Am I doing this right?”  These are the things we need to believe in. 

The girls and I made our way back to church this fall.  It’s probably been the best decision I’ve made in the 6 years you’ve been gone in regards to the girls.  The first sermon I heard was the one I needed to hear most.  It was like Pastor Nick knew I was coming and knew what I needed to hear.  While I know that isn’t the truth at all, that’s how I knew I’d made the right decision for us.  The message was letting go of the anger at God for “taking” your loved ones.  That day, I did what I could to make it so.  Now, I’m not saying I’ve done a complete 360, I’m still me…smoking, sometimes drinking, cussing, and just partaking in not such good Christian behavior, I do recognize the changes I need to make.  I’m trying and that's a step in the right direction.  

I'm happy.  Sometimes just saying that out loud feels a little dirty, I get guilt ridden sometimes over it.  Then I remember our conversations and the guilt floats away.  I can't feel guilty for doing the one thing you wanted for us in life.  

“The anniversary date of a loved one’s death is particularly significant.  You will have done something you thought was impossible a few months earlier.  You will have survived an entire year without someone who was as important to you as life itself” – Bob Diets

Another year has come to an end, another year you’ve missed so much by not being here physically, another year passes and we are still here, left behind, missing you and sending our love to heaven. 

As I say every year, J, you will forever be in our hearts.  For-ev-er.

Thanks for checking in.

L

Twenty Years

Twenty years ago today, I married my best friend. 

Let’s be honest, it’s a miracle it happened at all.  All of the events in the year leading up to that day twenty years ago should have deterred us from ever walking down the aisle and saying “I do”.  So many memories, so many trials and tribulations, however, a funny thing happens when you find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with: you deal, you make concessions, you change, you become a unit, you put up with a lot more then you ever thought you would just to be with the one person that makes you whole.

We were 19 when we decided to get married.  We were sitting in our first apartment watching TV, he asked, I said yes.  I wish it would have been a little bit more memorable than that, but romance just wasn’t JY’s style.  I can’t imagine what my parents thought when we told them the news because being the parent of two teenaged girls nearing age 19 (in a few years) I think I might have taken the news with a lot less grace then I know they did. 

The wedding planning was on from the moment we nailed down a date, and when I say “the planning”, I mean mom took the reins.  My (amazing) mother planned our wedding from start to finish including MAKING the bridesmaid dresses.  All she wanted from me was how many attendants we were having and what colors I wanted to have.  She is amazing.  My whole family pitched in from making the cakes, mints, food, to stepping in as ushers when a car accident the night before our wedding lost two of our ushers to injury (that’s a whole other story)….amazing.  It wasn’t the fanciest wedding but it was exactly what I’d always wanted. 

Who knew on that day, twenty years ago, that fourteen years is all we would get.  In those fourteen years we had two amazing children who are the perfect combination of both of us.  We bought a house and made it a home.  We fought hard for each other in times when neither one of us were worth fighting for.  We made a life and JY lived it to the fullest while, sometimes, we all just sat back and watched.  For all the ups, downs and in between times…that part of my life made me the person I am today. 

JY and I had 14 years married, we had 18 years total together.  Not all of those years were the best we could make them and like all married couples, we went through some things that I didn’t think we would ever make it through.  

We made a promise on this day twenty years ago….we promised to love, honor and cherish each other until death do us part.  Promise fulfilled.  Happy 20 years JY.  Always in my heart, forever.

Thanks for checking in.

L

Forty

Mama is not rounding the corner, on the down side, peeking over the hill or around the bend from FORTY…..she is knocking on the GDMF’ing door.  Believe me, I wish I wasn’t.  

I wish, sometimes, I could go back a few years and then maybe go back a few more.  I don’t think I’d want to make any changes, because to make changes would be to make me a completely different person than I am today and I like the person I am today, but more for enjoying (again) the moments that I may have rushed myself through. 

I would cherish ALL of the moments I had with JY (even the not so great moments).  The “just the US” moments…we were always rushing in to the “next logical thing” after getting married.  You know that life changing song we all grew up to…”First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.”  We, or maybe it was just me, were so focused on bringing our own little bundle of joy into the world and then being frustrated because it was taking so long that it wasn’t fun anymore.  We should have made it fun….we should have cherished all those months and all those months should have brought us closer together instead of the little wedge it caused only to be dissipated by the little lines on the pee stick telling us “look what you did, you fools”….happiest day ever, I hope I always remember that.  

Then the moving in with the parents with a six month old to remodel “this house” that we had to have.  Then the “surprise, you did it again” pee stick, while holding previously mentioned six month old.  Then the “little’s” crawling, walking, running, NE-VER stopping.  Then the sweet little voices changing to big voices yelling “MOM” “DAD” “OMG I broke my finger” “I love you”.  Yeah, I would cherish all of them a little more than I did the first time around.    

I would tell my past self to shore up, man up, and for the love of god, own your life.  Don’t make excuses for your unhappiness, own them.  Be independent, do for yourself.  Tend to your relationships with your family and friends because, dude, you’re gonna need them and they’re gonna need you in the near future.  I owe my life to the family and friends who “stuck like glue” in the first months/years after JY left.  I will never be able to repay that kindness, ever. 

Most importantly, I would tell my past self, you’ll be proud of you in a couple of years, I promise. 

I’ve heard the saying FORTY IS THE NEW THIRTY, so CHEERS to that!  So, in a week, I will grieve my THIRTIES for all the happy and very, very sad things that happened.  I would like to thank my THIRTIES (specifically age 37+a few months) for the brightest part…..finding “the one I’d been searching for” and making my family whole again.  Not replacing but filling the hole we’d all been walking around and ignoring, with love and making our broken, fixed.  Happiest day ever (you can have several), I hope I always remember that.   

Forty….I have a few changes to make in my fortieth year and A LOT more moments to cherish.

Stick around.  

Thanks for checking in.

L