Your guy.

He did it.  

Jeff Gordon announced his retirement from NASCAR at the beginning of the 2015 season and just like that, I will be losing one more thing that was you and I together. I know for the outsider looking in it seems a little f*cking nutty that I should be so upset about something that: #1 I have no control over.  #2 Jeff Gordon and I are not best friends.  #3 Jeff Gordon doesn't even know I'm alive.  #4 Jeff Gordon did not ask my permission to retire from something he's been doing the better part of 20+ years.  It's just, that (ugh) I am upset.  

I've been thinking about this from the day I heard the news.  I've actually cried and honestly could not for the life of me figure out what the hell my problem was with this announcement (see #1-#4 above).  I've teared up every "last" race he's started.  Seriously, you know me, it's annoying.  Then it hit me.  I shared this with you, I share this with JH.  It's one thing I could still love and not feel guilty about loving....or feel guilty about still loving with someone else.  You introduced me to the "game", JH has given me the opportunity to experience the "game".  You both love NASCAR, shit, you both love Jeff Gordon and I'm over here thinking I couldn't have gotten more lucky.  And now, it's ending....at least the "loving Jeff Gordon" part is ending.  The part I shared with you.  The part you introduced me to.  The part I've carried with me since you left.....  

I'm thinking, Chase Elliot when Gordon retires....after all, I think he'll be driving the 24 car.  

Go fast and turn left, JY!

L

2190

Two-thousand-one-hundred-ninety days that you’ve been gone.  Your 6^th Angel-versary.  Cheers to you at 6a. 

I heard a song I hadn’t heard in forever, Alan Jackson singing “Where were you (when the world stopped turning)”.  I know what historical event that song was written for, however, it took me back to the day MY world stopped turning.  Until my dying day, I will never forget that day…sometimes, many times, I really wish I could forget.  I wish I could forget the pain I felt, the anger, the extreme sadness when I had to tell our girls and the being lost.  I look back and I don’t even recognize that person, the person I was that day and months following losing you.  But I do recognize her, I just don’t like to visit her very often.  The lesson I've learned and am finally OK with; the world doesn’t stop turning, the people around you don’t stop moving, life stops for no one and nothing.  We just put one foot in front of the other, we don’t forget, we don’t replace, we just move forward and deal with the hand we were dealt – much like the game of poker you loved so much, J.    

This particular 365 days for me has been about songs.  Songs that remind me of you that take me back to happy times, sad times, to silly assed times we spent together, to that song you put on tape that time I broke up with you in High School, to you introducing me to something other than (gasp) country.  Songs I like, songs I love, songs that play a big part in my life that mostly seem to remind me of you.  Sometimes it hurts so much I have to turn the station for fear of remembering whatever BIG event it revolved around and sometimes, most times, I smile while singing along.  Let’s be honest, you introduced me to some great music like 2 Pac, Snoop Dog, Nate Dog, DMX, Biggy Smalls, Silverchair, Creed and my favorite, Eminem.  I’m pretty well rounded musically because of you even if the majority of the songs on my iPod are still country….I just can’t help myself.  I tried filtering it, but I’ve passed on your love of diverse music to the girls, including Easy E (much to my dismay).  I still think they are country at heart.

It’s been a “shit is getting real” year for us.  We’ve talked “college financial planning” with Emily and had “weighing your options” conversations with Allyson.  It’s really hard for me to comprehend that in a few short years our children will be gone doing their own thing, let's face it, without me.  That’s when Allyson reminds me that she’s going to live in the basement we don’t have for-ev-er.  Today, I’m OK with that.  I worry that I haven’t taught them all there is to teach them.  I worry that I haven’t been there enough, that I didn’t do enough when you left, that when it was us against the world IT REALLY WAS US AGAINST THE WORLD.  They had to grow up fast, they had to take care of their barely hanging on mama, and they’ve had to “make the most of” the phenomenal subs in their lives.  Listen to me, having the same worries that all parents do.  Deep breaths, right?  JH tells me, “At some point you have to let go, cut the strings, if they make mistakes we’ve still got time to correct them”.  He’s right (don’t tell him I said that), I know, but it’s still hard.  I don’t want them to make mistakes, I don’t want them to make the same choices I did or you did…I want them to be better than both of us.  Again, what all parent’s want for their children.  Despite the challenges they’ve grown up with, they’ve made some pretty good decisions thus far….or at least the good ones have outweighed the few bad ones they’ve made.  And I have to remind myself of two things:  #1: I have to believe in myself and JH that we've given them the tools, all the right speeches and the "if mama would think it's a bad idea, it's probably a bad idea" talks to make good decisions.  #2: They are teenagers, they are going to make mistakes, that's how they learn.  Someone should have told me (and everyone who is thinking about being a parent) that being a parent is HARD, period.  Shoot, I make bad decisions on a daily basis, I just hope they do as I say and not as I do ;)

This 365 days have been different, maybe because it’s an “off” year?  And what is an off year?  Is that even a thing?  An off year…..really Lesa, who says that?  I guess maybe I do.  So maybe it’s not an “off” year.  Maybe it’s just a year, not like the 5^th year, or the first year.  I can’t put my finger on it….maybe I never will. 

Maybe it was a different year because I didn’t feel you near as I have in the past…do you think I don’t need you?  We all need you, we all need to feel you near.  We will always need to feel you near, no matter how much time passes, no matter….just no matter what.  So when a song comes on, I know it’s you.  When Allyson takes her car on a joy ride, I know you’re there riding shotgun probably just for the fun of it.  When Emily is making the tough decisions on what she wants to be when she grows up, I know you’re there guiding her the way you would if you were really here.  WE need to hang on to this.  And maybe, I do too, just a little….just a little.  I need to know the decisions I’m making in my own life are following through on the things you wanted for us, for me.  Sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone and ask “Am I doing this right?”  These are the things we need to believe in. 

The girls and I made our way back to church this fall.  It’s probably been the best decision I’ve made in the 6 years you’ve been gone in regards to the girls.  The first sermon I heard was the one I needed to hear most.  It was like Pastor Nick knew I was coming and knew what I needed to hear.  While I know that isn’t the truth at all, that’s how I knew I’d made the right decision for us.  The message was letting go of the anger at God for “taking” your loved ones.  That day, I did what I could to make it so.  Now, I’m not saying I’ve done a complete 360, I’m still me…smoking, sometimes drinking, cussing, and just partaking in not such good Christian behavior, I do recognize the changes I need to make.  I’m trying and that's a step in the right direction.  

I'm happy.  Sometimes just saying that out loud feels a little dirty, I get guilt ridden sometimes over it.  Then I remember our conversations and the guilt floats away.  I can't feel guilty for doing the one thing you wanted for us in life.  

“The anniversary date of a loved one’s death is particularly significant.  You will have done something you thought was impossible a few months earlier.  You will have survived an entire year without someone who was as important to you as life itself” – Bob Diets

Another year has come to an end, another year you’ve missed so much by not being here physically, another year passes and we are still here, left behind, missing you and sending our love to heaven. 

As I say every year, J, you will forever be in our hearts.  For-ev-er.

Thanks for checking in.

L

Twenty Years

Twenty years ago today, I married my best friend. 

Let’s be honest, it’s a miracle it happened at all.  All of the events in the year leading up to that day twenty years ago should have deterred us from ever walking down the aisle and saying “I do”.  So many memories, so many trials and tribulations, however, a funny thing happens when you find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with: you deal, you make concessions, you change, you become a unit, you put up with a lot more then you ever thought you would just to be with the one person that makes you whole.

We were 19 when we decided to get married.  We were sitting in our first apartment watching TV, he asked, I said yes.  I wish it would have been a little bit more memorable than that, but romance just wasn’t JY’s style.  I can’t imagine what my parents thought when we told them the news because being the parent of two teenaged girls nearing age 19 (in a few years) I think I might have taken the news with a lot less grace then I know they did. 

The wedding planning was on from the moment we nailed down a date, and when I say “the planning”, I mean mom took the reins.  My (amazing) mother planned our wedding from start to finish including MAKING the bridesmaid dresses.  All she wanted from me was how many attendants we were having and what colors I wanted to have.  She is amazing.  My whole family pitched in from making the cakes, mints, food, to stepping in as ushers when a car accident the night before our wedding lost two of our ushers to injury (that’s a whole other story)….amazing.  It wasn’t the fanciest wedding but it was exactly what I’d always wanted. 

Who knew on that day, twenty years ago, that fourteen years is all we would get.  In those fourteen years we had two amazing children who are the perfect combination of both of us.  We bought a house and made it a home.  We fought hard for each other in times when neither one of us were worth fighting for.  We made a life and JY lived it to the fullest while, sometimes, we all just sat back and watched.  For all the ups, downs and in between times…that part of my life made me the person I am today. 

JY and I had 14 years married, we had 18 years total together.  Not all of those years were the best we could make them and like all married couples, we went through some things that I didn’t think we would ever make it through.  

We made a promise on this day twenty years ago….we promised to love, honor and cherish each other until death do us part.  Promise fulfilled.  Happy 20 years JY.  Always in my heart, forever.

Thanks for checking in.

L

Forty

Mama is not rounding the corner, on the down side, peeking over the hill or around the bend from FORTY…..she is knocking on the GDMF’ing door.  Believe me, I wish I wasn’t.  

I wish, sometimes, I could go back a few years and then maybe go back a few more.  I don’t think I’d want to make any changes, because to make changes would be to make me a completely different person than I am today and I like the person I am today, but more for enjoying (again) the moments that I may have rushed myself through. 

I would cherish ALL of the moments I had with JY (even the not so great moments).  The “just the US” moments…we were always rushing in to the “next logical thing” after getting married.  You know that life changing song we all grew up to…”First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.”  We, or maybe it was just me, were so focused on bringing our own little bundle of joy into the world and then being frustrated because it was taking so long that it wasn’t fun anymore.  We should have made it fun….we should have cherished all those months and all those months should have brought us closer together instead of the little wedge it caused only to be dissipated by the little lines on the pee stick telling us “look what you did, you fools”….happiest day ever, I hope I always remember that.  

Then the moving in with the parents with a six month old to remodel “this house” that we had to have.  Then the “surprise, you did it again” pee stick, while holding previously mentioned six month old.  Then the “little’s” crawling, walking, running, NE-VER stopping.  Then the sweet little voices changing to big voices yelling “MOM” “DAD” “OMG I broke my finger” “I love you”.  Yeah, I would cherish all of them a little more than I did the first time around.    

I would tell my past self to shore up, man up, and for the love of god, own your life.  Don’t make excuses for your unhappiness, own them.  Be independent, do for yourself.  Tend to your relationships with your family and friends because, dude, you’re gonna need them and they’re gonna need you in the near future.  I owe my life to the family and friends who “stuck like glue” in the first months/years after JY left.  I will never be able to repay that kindness, ever. 

Most importantly, I would tell my past self, you’ll be proud of you in a couple of years, I promise. 

I’ve heard the saying FORTY IS THE NEW THIRTY, so CHEERS to that!  So, in a week, I will grieve my THIRTIES for all the happy and very, very sad things that happened.  I would like to thank my THIRTIES (specifically age 37+a few months) for the brightest part…..finding “the one I’d been searching for” and making my family whole again.  Not replacing but filling the hole we’d all been walking around and ignoring, with love and making our broken, fixed.  Happiest day ever (you can have several), I hope I always remember that.   

Forty….I have a few changes to make in my fortieth year and A LOT more moments to cherish.

Stick around.  

Thanks for checking in.

L

Five Years = 1825 Days

Dear J,

Today marks your five year "Angel"versary.  Some days that feels like a life time and other days it seems like just this morning.  6AM shots/toasts for the one's who still partake.  SO much has happened since you've been gone.  The girls and I reflect on all that you've missed often which sometimes makes the hurt seem less painful.  Healing takes a life time, we're learning.

Emily is 15 soon to be 16.  Driving (Dear God).  She's a sophomore in HS and gets much better grades than you and I combined ever did.  She's active in track and, against my better judgment for obvious reasons, boys basketball stat.  Emily looks just like you, J.  As she gets older, she sees the world and people for what they're worth and what they bring to her life.  She questions EVERYTHING, including me.  She always "knows best" and WAY more than me.  The days she's most difficult are the days I wish you were here.  And I know you are...you're here guiding me and reminding me that just because I brought her into this world, I most definitely can't take her out of it :)  I honestly never thought I would have any issues with the "teenage" years...apparently I'm paying for all the trouble you stirred up when you were her age.  Thank GOD none of your friends have been around to tell Emily all the stories about your shenanigans as a child and a teenager.  All that aside, Emily is a great kid growing into a beautiful young women with lots and lots of hopes and dreams.

Allyson is 14 soon to be 15.  Driving (Dear God).  She's a freshman in HS and also is a really good student, her grades are better than ours ever could have dreamed of being.  Allyson's motivation is sports.  While Allyson looks and acts just like me, she's a kid after your own heart.  She loves basketball and track and excels at both.  Allyson has labeled herself "the good kid" because she "always does what she's told".  I think it's because she never gets caught but so far this kid is a an amazingly awesome kid who is her OWN person no matter what others say about her.  She goes with the flow and still buys that "mom knows all".  I'm on borrowed time here, but I'll take what I can get.

Both of our girls amaze me, everyday.  I'm incredibly honored and proud to be their mom.  They are all I ever hoped they'd be, you know in spite of the tragedy they've walked through.  Our children are all any of us have left of you, JY, and I cherish every minute I have with them because of that. 

As I reflect on the last five years without you here, I remember the person I was on the day you left us.  I was empty, broken and completely lost on how I was going to go on without you here.  While the first year after you left is still so much of a blur, I remember bits and pieces of that year and those are best left in the past.  However horrible my actions were in that first year, I'm giving myself a break.  I used that year to find out who I was, how the hell I was going to raise our two children on my own and honestly, I did what anyone else would do in my position.  I DID IT ALL.  And while I'm not proud of some of it, I make peace by telling myself I needed to do it.  I can now tell my family and friends, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for putting all of you through all that worry that first year.  But I thank you for allowing me to do what I needed to do without interference. 

The last couple of years were big for me.  I did what you always told me you wanted me to do; I found someone to love, who loves me and loves the girls like his own.  Thank you for guiding him my way ;)  Although JH hates hearing it, I couldn't have asked for a better man in our lives.  Everyday, I thank my lucky star that our paths crossed that night two years ago.  He is patient, kind, has a big heart and he accepts and encourages us to remember and cherish you, he knows how important you are in all of our lives, including his.  He's also lost his ever loving mind signing up VOLUNTARILY to take on us ladies, but he claims "he can handle anything", so who am I to argue?  For real, though, I never thought I'd ever love another until he walked into my life.

People assume, incorrectly, that because I'm happy and so crazy in love that I've "moved on" or "forgotten" you.  News flash....Remarried does not equal forgetting.  You can honor your past, you can treasure your past, you can and should LOVE your past but you do NOT have to live in your past.  I read on a grieving blog somewhere that when it comes to love, our hearts are truly without capacity or limits.  Even reading this and feeling what I feel, I had trouble believing.  The love I have for you, JY, will never go away.  I will always love you, JY, for the person I was when you were here, for the person I became when you left and for sure the most important for the lives we created out of our love.  It just so happens I had MORE love in my heart then I ever dreamed possible on that fateful day five years ago.  Five years ago, I might as well have passed with you....

The girls and I did some grief counseling at ATP this year.  All 8 weeks of meeting at ATP I asked myself "why didn't we do this sooner?"  The only answer I could come up with is that it wasn't the right time for us then, until now.  Being the "oldest" in the group (years vs months into my grieving) I felt like I was meant to wait so I could help the members of my group.  Knowing that I might have helped someone else going through what I did the slightest bit helped me more than anything I could have done before that moment.  It was so fulfilling, I'm signing up for volunteering at ATP in January. 

I know I missed my yearly post to you last year...I told you there would come a time when we would stop counting the seconds, hours, days and years you've been gone.  This year, I wanted you to know that no matter how long you've been gone there are so many who still miss you on a daily basis.  You are forever in our hearts and forever on our minds.  Fortunate for me, all I have to do is look at our children and I see you....I see you in their faces, in their actions and I hear you in their voices.  When they wrap their arms around me, I feel your embrace.  You are here JY, in the hearts of everyone you met and held dear.  No matter what changes, one thing never will....We will always love you.

Forever.

Thanks for checking in....
LH