Anniversaries...

When J and I decided to get married, when we set the date, I wanted to make sure J would NEVER be THAT guy who forgot when his wedding anniversary was. So, I made it easy for him. Our wedding date was one week after his 20th birthday, on the first day of October. It worked, because he never forgot it, once.

When your setting your wedding date a week after your spouses birthday so he can easily remember, you aren't thinking about what that week is going to do to you when your spouse is gone. Anniversaries are supposed to be happy times. The only anniversaries I 'celebrate' now are the anniversaries of J's death, or the anniversary of his funeral, or the next big thing he's missing. Anniversaries aren't happy anymore.

This week, along with the waiting around for the big one (10/1 would have been our 16th year of marriage, 20 years total spent together) I've been sick. When I get sick, life goes on, there is no stopping, resting, or getting better. It also means I'm a little on the sensitive side...ok, a lot on the sensitive side. I need someone I can lean on, someone to help, someone to carry me when I need to be carried. The only one I want is not here, he'll never be here. No one can understand that....even if you've been thru it.

After almost 2 years without him, I thought it would be easier, that it would hurt less...all it does it hurt more. It aches. It stings. It burns like a band-aid getting ripped off my heart every day.

Happy 16th Anniversary J. I'm so pissed you aren't here to get me a damn goofy card that says everything you couldn't say out loud to me. You loved me the best way that you could, for all those years it was enough and when it wasn't, you knew and you gave more. You weren't the best, but you were the best you could be and I loved you with everything I had in me. It wasn't enough to keep you here, and I'll never understand why it wasn't.

It's that time of year. A lot happens in the next three months. I need to be on my A game. Right now, I'm sporting my D+ game and that's not acceptable if I'm gonna get thru it.

Thanks for checking in...

L

Dug this up...

J and I's wedding song, I was going to point out that it's too bad none of it came true, but reading the words again after all these years, it did, it all did, it was just cut too short....

I Swear
John Michael Montgomery

I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
But you can be sure I know my part
'Cause I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And thought I'll make mistakes, I'll never break your heart

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky, I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side, I'll be there
For better or worse till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart, I swear

I'll give you everything I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the wall
And when there's silver in your hair
Won't have to ask if I still care
'Cause as time turns the page my love won't age at all

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky, I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side, I'll be there
For better or worse till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart, I swear

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky, I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side, I'll be there
For better or worse till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart, I swear, I swear

You can listen HERE

Thanks for checking in...

L

Another good song....

Highly appropriate for today as we stood out in the pouring rain waiting to release the many balloons to send to J for his birthday.

Thanks Paige for the song...thanks Deb for the balloons and getting us all together today.

Holes in the Floor of Heaven
Steve Warner

One day shy of eight years old
Grandma passed away
I was a broken hearted little boy
blowing out that birthday cake

How I cried when the sky let go
With a cold and lonesome rain
Momma smiled said don't be sad child
Grandma's watchin you today

'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
And sometimes if you're lonely
just remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me

Seasons come and seasons go
nothin' stays the same
I grew up fell in love
met a girl who took my name

Year by year we made a life
in this sleepy little town
I thought we'd grow old together
Lord I sure do miss her now

But there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me

Well my little girl is 23
I walk her down the aisle
it's a shame her mom can't be here now
to see her lovely smile

They throw the rice
I catch her eye
as the rain starts comin' down
she takes my hand says daddy don't be sad 'cause
I know momma's watchin' now

And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me

Like I said, highly appropriate after standing in the rain for 45 minutes waiting for a lull for us to release the balloons. We all joked that J was sitting at a poker table laughing his a$$ off at us for standing in said rain for him. And yeah, he really would have.

L

September 25th....

So the girls and I failed at the memory a day thing. When I thought it up I thought...no big whoop, I have a million and one memories of J. What I didn't factor in was how hard remembering would be for all of us.

This week has been a tough one. I've cried more than I want to tell you, I've been angry more than I want to admit...but I've hugged the life I have left more than I ever have in the last few months.

I miss J, I wish he was here everyday, every second, for every moment he's missing. I wish he was here to carry some of the burden I carry, to be my whipping boy for my complaints, to listen to my fears and to hear his standard, "things will be ok babe".

I miss J and I know I'm far from the only one that does...

Happy Birthday J.

L

Twenty-five...part nineteen

Yes, 19. The girls and I had to take a little break from all the memories. Not because this is a bad thing, but because we were so overwhelmed....I guess I just never imagined we would feel so overwhelmed. We're back and ready to finish this out....a few days short of 25, but a damn good effort on our parts for sure.

September 19, 2010 - memory 19

L - For as much as I loved J, there were times when he wasn't the person I fell in love with. With any marriage there are ups and there are downs and a lot of times we don't let the people on the outside know how many downs there really are. J and I had A LOT of downs. I never like to talk bad of J, especially now that he's not here to have a chance to defend himself, but....sometimes, the bad had me packing a bag and leaving. Oh, I'm sure EVERY married couple goes thru that a few times in their marriage, no marriage is quite what it seems. J would always get me back....always. He was a sweet talker that one....I remember one time we had a party over Old Settlers weekend, a poker party is what it turned out to be. It was raining outside so everyone had to be in the garage and I was left in the house with a 2 month old and a 15 month old while he partied it up with his buds. At first I was all, that's cool, he's having a good time. But it was about 11/12 at night and both girls were still up, one was VERY pissy and I HAD HAD IT!!! So, I did what any normal, SANE wife and mother of small children would do, I marched my happy ass out to the garage, baby in my arms and declared the party OVER. J didn't get mad, didn't yell at me, didn't get all pissed cause I ruined his fun. He made everyone leave and he came in and took over.....he wasn't all bad. He did make me pay for it tho...

E - I remember when dad used to coach my basketball team. (m) Did you like having your dad as the coach? (e) Yeah. (m) Really? Even when he would work you harder than the rest of the girls on your team? (e) I didn't think he worked me harder than the rest...

A - I remember that dad taught me how to ride my first bike. (m) Did he run behind you while you tried to ride it? (a) Yup. (m) Really? He ran?? (a) Yup. I know it's hard to believe....

Thanks for checking in...

L

More random...

This song is how I feel today...

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place
An' sometimes I wonder,Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

L

Twenty-five days....part thirteen

September 13, 2010 - memory 13

L - After bringing home baby girl Young, J said our family was complete...but we needed a pet. For the love. J was a cat person, I was allergic but we got a cat. The girls named her Elmo. This cat was PSYCHO, this is an understatement as many can attest to. I'm pretty sure a couple of our babysitters were terrified of the cat that would attack any and all who walked in the house. The final straw was when E told us for two weeks straight that there was a monster eating her toes. We found out later that there was indeed a monster eating her toes when I caught that damn cat EATING HER TOES. So J did the only thing he thought he could do...."L, take the cat back to where you got it." Of course I should...So the cat thing didn't work out so we got a dog. I think the first dog was Rodney, a one green eye and one brown eye Britney mix who ate thru all the drywall in my laundry area. Next came another cat the girls named Sally, she had a litter of kittens in E's bed on her birthday and after started peeing in laundry baskets so back to the farm went Sally. Next was a "min-pin" the girls named Daisy that turned out to be the devil so she went to a friend of ours parents who had room for that dog to run and run and run and didn't have children. Then came Lybbi. I got Lybbi for my 30th birthday and she was and still is all mine. Since then, we've had Lylli and Larry and finally sweet, sweet Bella. J would have loved the snot outta Bella....he just woulda.

E - I remember dad telling me that when I was a baby he used to carry me on his arm because I was so little. (m) It's true, he used to palm you like a football, because you were small but because you always had a stomach ache. (e) I had a stomach ache? (m) Yup, you were never happy until your dad carried you that way, the doctor told us it's because you always had a stomach ache. (e) I didn't know that...

A - I remember dad coaching me when I played T-ball. (m) Yeah, he was your coach, is that why you didn't go out for T-ball again after that first year? (a) No, I didn't go out again because it was boring. (m) Yes, I can see why playing in the dirt or picking the grass would be boring.

Thanks for checking in...

L

Twenty-five days....part twelve

September 12, 2010 - memory 12

L - After getting over the shock of finding out we were adding to our family, finishing the house remodel, moving in to the house and eventually buying it, J and I readied for the new wee one's arrival. Unlike when I was pregnant with E, I went to all the baby appointments by myself reporting the updates via phone when they ended. Every appointment J would ask, "Was the heartbeat high or low?" It was always low and I carried this baby WAY lower than I carried E so J was TOTALLY convinced he was getting a boy this time around. At my baby appointment the week before my due date the doctor asked me the greatest question EVER, "Do you want to be induced?" And I'm all, "Are you serious, yeah, when?" Doctor, "Tonight?" And I'm all, "Srsly? Hells yeah!!!" And so it was, on May 19th I was checked in to the hospital at 1030p along with J, mom and my sis. At 1016a on the 20th baby girl Young was welcomed into the world kicking and screaming and her dad saying, "A girl, are you sure?" Poor A will never get to watch her baby delivery tape...poor kid.

E - I remember when we were in Minnesota at the family reunion, we went to the water park that was in our hotel and dad was the first one to get me to go down the body slide, we went like a million times. (m) Yeah, your dad was good times, huh? (e) Yeah.

A - I remember when we would jump on the trampoline and dad would make us jump really high. (m) He got on the trampoline with you? And did you almost fly off one time? (a) Yeah, on the trampoline that didn't have a net. (m) Super.

Thanks for checking in...

L

Twenty-five days - part eleven

September 11, 2010 - memory 11

L - The Cy/Hawk game. When J and I started dating and really for most of our married life J was a DIE HARD Hawkeye fan, it was only towards the end that I almost had him converted to a Cyclone, almost. We were a house divided, literally when it came to the Hawks and the Cyclones. So, as you could guess, the Cy/Hawk game was a pretty big deal in our house. We would get together with the BF's make a bunch of food, have a bunch of beer and just dog on each other, well, we would dog on J. And we would dog HARD if the Hawks actually lost. It was a great day of trash talking and a$$ kissing. I remember one game in particular that the Hawks lost BAD and we trash talked hard. J didn't like it so much so he did the only thing he thought he could do, got up and walked out the front door. He didn't like to lose, he was a VERY bad loser. Oh, he knew it was all in good fun, of course, but there is one thing about J that when he was passionate about something/anything he wasn't ever a half way guy. It was all or nothing for J. The most important thing tho, towards the end, he was almost on my side of the house, almost.

E - Dad taught A and I how to play poker, Texas Hold 'em. (m) I remember over Christmas break he taught you guys how to play while I was at work, that ticked me off. What 9/10 year old needs to know how to play poker? Do you remember how to play? (e) Kinda. That was a long time ago. (m) Yeah, it kind of was a long time ago...

A - I remember when we would go to the family reunion in MN and dad was always my partner for the games and he would always play on the playground equipment with us. (m) He was always doing fun stuff with you kids, right? (a) Yup.

Thanks for checking in...

L

Twenty-five days...part ten

September 10, 2010 - memory 10

L - After E was born, J and I started talking about moving home and raising E around most of her family. We also started talking about being grown ups and buying a house instead of living in apartments like we had up to this point. So we started talking to my grandparents about renting a house that was right where we wanted to be, right in between the rents and the g'rents. This was going to be a HUGE undertaking because this house was a rental in it's previous life and poorly cared for. So the deal was made that we would move back home, live with the rents and remodel the home we would share. All I have to say about that was whoa. A LOT of work and (I'm saying this with all the love I have) it proved to me that you can never really move back in with your parents. Not that it was horrible, it was just different. We lived with the rents for 4 long months and I'm sure they were glad to be rid of us, with love, of course. While we ALL worked every night on making the house livable, we made time for E and each other. Which is why, when E was 6 months old, when I found out I was pregnant AGAIN I was in shock! So much shock that after chain smoking thru 2 tests in my BF's bathroom I hid it from J for 2 weeks. My mom figured it out before I told J, which is just funny to me. When I finally told J, he was pissed that I kept it from him for a second then happy as hell once it sank in. And then reality set in....Wait....We got pregnant while living with your parents? He was mortified.

E - After basketball practice we would mess around and dad would dunk the bball and go to the half court line and shoot the ball backwards and he would always make it, but when I would try it I would always miss the basket. (m) Your dad had 'mad' bball skills huh? (e) Yeah. (m) He tried to teach you everything he knew and loved about the game. (e) Yeah.

A - On the weekends dad would take us to the gym and he would run new plays with me, E and SR and he would run drills. (m) Ew, was that fun? (a) Yes it was.

Thanks for checking in...

L