Happy never lasts....

At least in my world it seems like it doesn't. I haven't had a pity party for one in a long while, so it seems about right that I should be having one now.

For the last 3 months I've been the happiest I've been in over a year. I started believing I could have it all, that I could be really happy again, that I deserved to be happy, I could see the rest of my life with this person and I liked the view....but, like every other thing in my life, it just wasn't meant to be and once again I'm broken and lost. I didn't think that you could break an already slightly used, recently pieced together broken heart, but you can. I thought the walls I'd built were stronger than that, they weren't. I didn't think the death of a relationship could have some of the same feelings that losing the one you've spent half your life with...but it does.

I failed at this relationship and I don't like it. I also failed the girls and that's the hardest pill to swallow. I talk about my deserving happiness, but they deserve it so much more than I do. How very selfish of me, huh? They deserve the happiest childhood I can provide them.

Since losing J, my relationship with the girls has been more of the adult variety. They've grown up fast, they've had to. They ask grown up questions that sometimes amaze me at how aware they are, amaze me at how much they actually know. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, maybe I should have sheltered them more...there isn't a book on raising children alone after losing their dad. I wish there were, this would all be so much easier.

I thought I was doing it right...I waited 'until I was sure' this relationship could last before introducing the two most important people in my life to this person, the girls. I couldn't have been more happy at the way they handled this part of our lives. He's an easy person to love so it didn't surprise me that they took to him just like I did.

The worst day of my life will always be waking my children and telling them that their father and hero was gone and never coming back.

Today, I had to tell them that the person they let in to the one place they've had closed for over a year, wasn't coming back because I screwed up comes in a close second. And what sucks is that I'm sure this won't be the last time this happens, it just happens to be the first time I've ever had to do this and I feel like an ass, like a disappointment.

I was having a conversation with Emily today about all this business, I told her I was sorry I messed up the good thing we had going....she started crying and it broke my heart in to a million pieces. When I asked her why she was crying, she said, I miss dad. I said, so do I. Then we had a good cry together.

I've always been an open book on my blog, in my life and this part of my life isn't going to be any different. I'm sure some who read this get angry at some of the things I write, some of the things I reveal about myself, but this is me. All I've ever wanted was to be loved and accepted for who I am, flaws and all. I'm in a bad place right now, but I'm still hopeful. That has to mean something, right?

I'm back in that place I was over 14 months ago, I might be here for a while. But I've experienced the worst life has to offer and pulled myself and the girls up and I'll do it again. It just might take me a bit to recover.

Thanks for checking in....

L