One Thousand Ninety-Five...

Dear J,

Three years….YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE YEARS. Three of thee longest and shortest years of my life. In three years your oldest went from age 10 to age 13. In three years your youngest went from age 9 to age 12. In these three years, your children may only have aged a few years but they’ve had to grow up faster than most kids their age.

I tell them often, “it’s us against the world and we have to stick together.” In turn they often remind me that life just isn’t fair because they don’t have a dad, to that I have no response and no obvious quick solution. Sometimes, I feel like they blame me because you aren’t here. I know they don’t really think that, it’s just all in my guilt ridden mind. Even saying or writing that seems outlandish. But what they don’t understand, what I hope they never understand, is that for five VERY long days after you were gone, I waited to hear that there was no way I could have saved you that morning….that with all my efforts, you were already gone. I don’t remember much in the days, weeks, or months that followed losing you but I do remember thinking I could have done more to save you. I’ve finally forgiven myself for not being able to bring you back that morning. You can’t believe the weight that lifted off of my shoulders when I finally let that guilt go.

Our girls are amazing, period.

E is an 8th grader, top dog in Middle School. She’s already got the driving study guide so she’s ready for the permit test in a couple of months. She wants to take Driver’s Ed in the spring and (gasp) she wants to get a school permit. She’s slowly been talking me in to the school permit thing by reminding me that if she has that, I won’t have to do the 6a basketball practice anymore because she could drive herself. I have to hand it to her; she’s almost mastered your fine art of negotiating and damn near has me buying what she’s selling, this is a scary revelation. E is pulling awesome grades, has a bit of a chatting problem during class, is a FB junkie and texts like it’s her job. The kid has a great head on her shoulders. She doesn’t strike me as a follower most days and I know she doesn’t let her friends push her around. I’m so incredibly proud of Em.

A is a 7th grader and in pure “little sister” fashion has latched on to all of her older sisters friends, much to E’s dismay and disgust. Don’t get me wrong, she has LOTS of her own friends, she’s friends with everyone. A is really trying hard to figure out where she belongs in life. It’s an amazing thing to watch your child grow up and make grown up decisions. After having such a hard time in 6th grade, 7th grade is her year. At the moment, A is pulling all A’s…leaves me speechless, I couldn’t be more proud. Poor kid is a mini-me, she’s loud, funny, loving, caring and puts her friends and family first in everything she does. Sometimes, this gets her feelings hurt….Yup, just like me. I find myself reminding BOTH of the girls that I’ve done it all…..twice. And I’ll always find out about whatever they think they’re gonna get away with. Sometimes, I think they actually believe me.

For all that you are missing here physically; we know you’re here at the most important times. I want to believe that the things I write to you, you already know. I still talk to you whenever I’m having a moment. I still curse at you like your actually here to take it. And I still send out prayers that you watch over and protect the ones that need you most.

It’s been a long time since I’ve wished you back. It’s been a long time since I stopped believing you were on a vacation somewhere. It’s been a long time since I actually believed I woke up in a real life nightmare. In three years, I too have grown up. After you left, I stopped believing in happy endings and I honestly thought I’d spend the rest of my days walking this life alone. I'm changing my mind a little on these things. While my life is lonely without you, I’m never really alone. I learned that I can let love in again, even if it means breaking my own heart. I’m strong when I need to be and I lean (mostly) when I need to. Most importantly tho, I've stopped getting stuck on the why of it and started living....and healing.

Every single day, I think about all the things your missing. Last year I was angry at you, this year, I’m just sad for you.

I know one day we’ll stop counting the number of days you’ve been gone. One day we’ll stop missing you on the big and little days that pass us by. But for now, your still very much a part of our daily conversations, and there is usually a "funny dad" story in most everything we do. The girls and I are on a forward path, the only direction that works for us. This doesn’t mean we’ll forget, to forget would mean that it didn’t matter. That just isn’t true.

The ache and the pain of you not being here gets less and less. It won’t ever go away, it just gets different. For some, the pain of you not being here is forefront in their lives. Please be nearest to them, they need to feel you near. Continue watching us from where ever you are, even if it’s only in our dreams.

My favorite quote from this year is this:

"When someone you love dies, people ask you how you're doing, but they don't really want to know. They seek affirmation that you're okay, that you appreciate their concern, that life goes on and so can they. Secretly they wonder when the statute of limitations on asking expires (it's three months, by the way. Written or unwritten, that's about all the time it takes for people to forget the one thing that you never will). "
- Sarah Ockler

I don't blame anyone for forgetting you, babe. If I didn't have two daily reminders of your absence I'd probably be lumped up in this same group. Because of this, I found myself doing some forgiving this year, letting go of some of the disappointment I have. I also realized the forgiving and disappointment wasn't for my benefit but for the benefit of the girls. I decided that if people don't want to be in their lives FOR YOU, then they don't really deserve to be a part of how amazing your children are, period.

2012 is a new year full of corners and doors, with choices to either turn or go straight, leave the doors closed or open them. 2012 is a year full of opportunities and possibilities just waiting for us to reach out and grab. I’ve no reason to believe that your family isn’t deserving of happiness, love and new beginnings.

We’re fine J, I really believe it. And that, my friend, was my hurdle of 2011.

Thanks for checking in…

L

Thankful...

Tis the season to be thankful, that's what Thanksgiving is all about, right?

For me, this time of year is the beginning of the countdown to the moment that changed my life forever.

It's weird, ya know, looking back to the months leading up to that moment trying like hell to find any sort of sign that should have triggered my mind that something horrible was going to happen. But even now, almost 3 years out, I can't find one. Or if there was one, I chose to ignore it. And by ignoring it, we lost something that can't ever be replaced...and maybe replacing isn't what I mean, but instead filling the hole that was left in our lives. Because there is a hole, a really big, gaping hole that we all find ourselves falling into at the most silly times and places.

I miss J. I know, no matter what our life was together, I always will. But I think I miss him more for not being here for the girls. More than I miss him for myself. They need him like I don't think I ever realized they would. There is something about girls and their dad's (because, duh, I still need mine)...something I never understood while he was here, something I probably never will understand. And because of that, I hurt, I'm angry and I'm sorry. They need him every day...every single day.

No matter how much I bust my ass to be what they need in life, to raise them the way I know J and I would have if he were still here, it'll never be enough...tough job (that's an understatement). This doesn't make me anything special, it makes me a real, live person who has what every one has...a family that comes first no matter the situation we're in.

I have a lot to be thankful for...I have two amazing children who are my world and everything that's good in it, I have thee best family a girl could have, I have thee best friends who know when I need them and when I don't, I'm alive in every sense of the word and I have memories (good and bad) to remind me of who I am and why. Because without the memories, who are we really?

Thanks for checking in and if I happen to disappear until 12/31/2011, it's ok, it's what I do. Besides, you know where to find me if you want to :)

L

The end...

Is always bittersweet.

The youth basketball league started the season without me at the helm. I'd love to say it was a hard decision to make, but it wasn't. Why? Partly because I'm still a tiny bit involved...come on, you knew I couldn't cut the cord entirely, right? Nah, I gave up the part that no one wants and am now VP on the BB board, I like it. I still get a say in some of the decisions about one of the most important things to J, and that makes me happy.

I always knew that once the girls were out of grade school, out of the youth league, J was going to move on to Jr High, either coaching or just cheering his crazy head off. He was going to follow his girls. So, the decision to hand over the league was much easier to do rather than to hang on to something I knew we'd be done with.

Running the youth league with J was both amazing and frustrating and also a great cause of conflict in our marriage. Every basketball season it was the same, he coached and I took care of the headaches. Running any kind of anything is a thankless job and almost always turns in to a hated job. Not for J...no because he didn't have to deal with the angry parents, I was the peace keeper, he was the star ;) Well, kind of. I'll tell you this, he was an overachiever in all things youth basketball, outside of that, not a whole lot mattered.

So, with my handing this last thing over, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of the people who have been there from the beginning helping, listening, coaching, volunteering at the tournaments, the parents who drove their children to and from practices and games, the children who signed up, the HS coaches and anyone else who just lent a hand when needed ESPECIALLY in the last couple of years without J. The basketball league wouldn't be half as successful without ALL of you.

We had a good run. The first boys team J coached are graduated from HS and in their 20's, the first boys team J coached when we took over the league are Jr's in HS. When the girls hit 3rd grade he made the move to coaching the girls teams (sometimes 3 or 4 at a time), much to my nephews disappointment :)

J would have been so proud of where the youth league is and what we've been able to accomplish. His dream was to provide basketball for the youth of our community, the future of I35..I think we've done ok in his absence.

I'd also like to give a shout out and thank the brave peeps that volunteered to step in and take over. My only advice would be, good luck and you've got my number :)

Thanks for checking in.
L

Just wow...

About a month ago, E and A attended Camp Amanda (Amanda the Panda sponsored). E went without hesitation, with A, it took a little talking in to. Today, I know they're both happy they went if for no other reason than they met other kids that lost a loved one. At camp, they weren't different and the other kids knew how they felt and have experienced all the other emotions they have had to deal with since losing J.

A couple of days ago I received a call from a reporter with the Des Moines Register asking if, since I signed a release, he could publish the girls names in the paper regarding Camp Amanda. Of course I said sure, why not, I signed the release. I had no idea when the article would run and I had absolutely no idea in what capacity the girls would be mentioned. Well, the story ran today and hit me square in the face. You can read the article here. The emotion that this reporter captured with A made me cry. This is my daily struggle. It's not my grief anymore that makes me stumble every day, it's the girl's grief that gets me.

In my own journey "to the other side", I've dealt with the emotions of the losing, never having again, the end, never coming back and then the chore of pulling my sh!t together for the girls and moving forward instead of staying stuck in the past. I'm able to put one foot in front of the other and move towards my own "new normal" because I haven't had the luxury of laying down and shutting out the world in one form or another. Every day I've gotten up and lived because the girls have needed to see that, and every day I get up because of them. I am truly happy in the life I'm living at the moment...

The girls, amazing as they are in my eyes, I know still struggle with the loss every day. They may not voice it, they may not show it, but it's there...and I realized today after reading that article that it will never go away for them...for any of us, really. But for them, as they get older, they will realize more and more what their dad is missing because he passed away (we don't say died). He will miss them graduating from HS/college, getting married and walking them down the aisle, he'll miss holding their children and he'll miss every other big or little thing in between. This is our reality, and I know we aren't alone in this reality, there are so many others that know what this feels like. And I just want to put my 2 cents in, that sucks.

It's been almost three years since J left us. Some days I wake up and it feels like it was just yesterday, other days it seems like 20 years have passed us by. The pain is still there but it's different. The loss is still there but that to is different. Us girls, we wake up and put our pants on the same way the rest of the world does, we just have a little more weighing on our hearts each time we do.

Thanks for checking in.
L

Random....

Whoa. I don't know if you've noticed it or not, but it's been FIVE months since I had something to say out here. I find it absolutely amazing that I HAVEN'T had something to say in the last five months...because I ALWAYS have something to say, even if no one wants to hear it :)

I thought I'd come out here, dust the site off and put something fun up.

Since the kids started back to school, we've all been trying to find the happy medium of homework, bedtime, who's turn it is to let the dogs out or make mama's coffee in the morning...I have to tell you, I enjoy the routine and I probably hate homework as much as the chicklets do :) Tonight, tho, they each read me a paper they each had to do telling the kids in their class 4 things they may or may not know about them or 4 things that are important to them and why. Listening to each one of them read their papers, it amazes how different they are from each other, regardless of their closeness in age.

So, I thought it would be fun to do my own "4 things you may or may not know about me". I don't know why I thought this would be fun, those of you who know me, know I'm an open book...especially if you've spent any amount of time on my blog :) And I don't want that to sound like a bad thing. So, here goes....

#1 - I'm a big talker with nothing to back it up.

Yes, unfortunately this is a true statement. The only peeps who believe I have something to back up my big talk are my children. There is no one else on this earth scared of me and my mouth and this p!sses me off a little. I need to be the tough guy, it's who I am...it's who I've always been.

#2 - I like my popcorn burnt.

True statement. My family just had a conversation about this a couple of weeks ago. My sister has the same love that I do, when she admits it. Yes, it's sometimes gross, but the rest of the time it's a tasty treat. My house smells like complete a$$ after burning a bag in the microwave, but man is it good. And, bonus, I don't have to worry about sharing :)

#3 - I feel like half of a whole.

Ever since J left, I haven't felt complete. What I'm not saying here is that I'm unhappy with this feeling. Weird, right? It's taken almost 3 years for me to be at peace with my lot in life. It's taken me almost 3 years to be okay with being a single mom and doing things alone and for myself. It's taken me almost 3 years to like bossing myself around. I'm good at being independent :) Sometimes, TOO good. But, really, I'm ok with it because losing one thing made me realize the person I can be and am...I'm SBW!!! I'm a lot of things I truly believe I wouldn't have realized and become without the devastation I've walked thru. That said, it is what it is and really, truly everything happens for a reason.

#4 - Gosh...I'm a sucker for gushy love stories that make me want to puke but secretly I'm envious of them.

As if any of that crap happens in 'real life'. Come on...it really doesn't. Apparently, my sense of romance is lacking :) I love reading and watching these gushy love stories (and yeah, some of the books have some REALLY hot sex scenes where your imagination runs wild, but I 'skip' over those...sigh) but when the book is done and the movie is over I'm all, are you kidding me?!? That is not real life, dudes. That's just what we're all searching for...perfect. It's not out there. Period.

So there are 4 things you may or may not have known about me. You feel better now, don't you. I mean really, who doesn't want to know more about me? LMAO!!

Thanks for stopping in...

L

I don't know....

Maybe I've been inside my head for too long lately but on a recent road trip south, I heard the following song and I cried...like, I actually CRIED. Dudes, I don't cry. I thought I'd share it with you. I know you'll all relate in some way or another.

Thanks for checking in...

L

One Sweet Day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away
Ayyy

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Evetually I'll see you in heaven...

Darling, I never showed you (I never showed you)
Assumed you'd always be there (I thought you'd always be there)
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
But I always cared)
And I miss the love we shared

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Evnetually I'll see you in heaven

Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Yeah
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
Together
One sweet day

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
Together
One sweet day

Sorry I never told you (oooh)
All I wanted to say

YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT HERE

Yesterdays...

You always want them back.

This past weekend was an emotional roller coaster for the whole family.

We kicked off the weekend by attending an estate sale....right in our back yard. Yup, after 2 + years, Saturday was the 2nd of 4 sales of the massive collection of stuff that grandma and grandpa Austin collected in a long, long life of collecting. As I stood watching their stuff disappear with strangers, I was hit with emotion I didn't expect. I (and the rest of the family) lost them once, this was like losing them all over again. I had my eye on a few things, and it seemed like everyone there knew what I wanted because I always got the bid. The hardest part of that day was watching the g'rents car drive away without them in it....I know their gone, doesn't mean I have to like it. I know that soon everything they owned will be either sold or thrown away, doesn't mean I have to love that idea. It's just so....final. And I was thinking....I will never burden my children with the task of sorting, sifting, throwing and watching everything get sold in the end. At the end of the day I, and everyone else, was exhausted.

Sunday, the eventual lazy day in the Young house, had us up and out of the house to attend a Court of Honor for Boy Scouts for a young man J coached in basketball 3rd thru 6th grades. I was warned ahead of time that J was going to receive an award and would I be ok accepting the award on his behalf. Umf. Gut reaction was no...no I'm not ok accepting an award on his behalf. Then a second went by, I gave myself a little LY pep talk and then I knew I could do it. And I did. Thank goodness I had back up with me and thank goodness they had the chance to hear the most wonderful, honest, sheer emotional speech I have ever heard about J. It took everything in me to get up from my seat, make my legs walk one foot in front of the other and form words when I received the Eagle Scout Mentor pin on J's behalf. I wish I could bottle that speech up and play it back over and over for the girls so they will never forget what kind of influence their dad had on someone not in our immediate family and friends circle. Had I known what kind of honor was being given, I would have invited J's mom and dad to attend just so they could hear what they already knew, what we all already knew....it was just nice to hear, after 2+ years, that J was the reason for this very special young man to achieve the goals he had for himself, to push himself to achieve them. I'm still very blown away by this. There are no words to describe how touched I was, the girls were, my mom and sister were.

See, it's true J, you did some good here....and you keep touching lives and doing good even from where ever you are. Truly amazing.

Deep thoughts from this side of the house this week. Thanks for checking in.

L

Thirteen...

Dear Em,

Today, at this very second, thirteen years ago, your dad and I welcomed you into our world. We were young, scared, we had no idea what was in store for us and we certainly had absolutely no idea what we were going to do with the teeny, tiny, screaming little thing that was just introduced to us after the doctor announced "it's a girl!!"

On that very day, I watched your dad stare at you for hours while touching your hands and face, apparently he wanted to make sure you were real. You had a rough time coming into this world so I could understand his over protection that was only hours old. I heard him vow to love you forever. And he did, he loved you for as long as his forever was and he continues to love you in all the things he taught you while he was here to cherish you.

As I sit here today writing this, I wonder....where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday that we brought you home where your dad used a dry erase board to list the times of your next feedings, as if you'd EVER let us forget. Or when you had horrible tummy aches after eating and the only thing that could ease your pain (and screaming) was a "football" carry by your dad. Or when you projectile vomited all over me and laughed about it. Or when you explosively pooped on your nursery wall when your dad was demonstrating to Grandma Deba that he could indeed change diapers. Or when we moved from our little apartment to Granny and Granddad's house where we lived for 4 months, this is where you learned to walk at 8 months (overachiever) - I was amazed. You had LOTS of friends at the new daycare where you would get dirty in your new clothes, play with your cousin Beau and where you broke a tooth by biting on a spoon. My constant thought when you were on your way to one was, what's she going to come up with next and how long until this kid kills me? I had no idea you'd be my calm baby :) The brightest part of my day was picking you up from daycare and being on the receiving end of the sweetest, best hugs in the world.

When your sister came along just 15 short months to the day after you, you welcomed her with open arms. You thought it was sooooo great that your mom and dad brought this real live doll home for you to play with....until you realized she was staying....for good. That's when I started catching you carrying your sister around by her neck and when you couldn't lift her, I caught you sitting on her head. But there is one thing I remember, you loved your sissy and she absolutely adored you! You loved her SO much that you even talked FOR her, but that could also be because you LOVED to talk, all the time. I don't think Ally had to talk until she was 3 years old.

When you started all day pre-school, I cried all the way to work after dropping you off on the first day. You thought it was the best thing EVER! You tried dance class, but it didn't stick. You tried t-ball but you spent more time playing with the dirt and grass on the field that your dad said you couldn't do that again. You thought gymnastics could be your thing, and it was, for a while until you gave it up after losing your passion for it. The one thing that has stuck is basketball, your dad would be so proud of you.

As far as school goes, you've breezed right through PK-6th grades and for that I am so proud of you. School really does come easy for you, which is a frustration to your sister (and me). I don't know what it is about 7th grade that makes me feel like time is stuck on fast forward. I wish you could stay my little, blond, curly haired baby girl forever....but, as you and I know, time stops for no one no matter how hard you wish for it to. Life moves forward...not backwards or sideways.

E, I'm going to tell you something that my parents told me when I was a kid and I didn't believe them then, but I get it now. One day, you'll understand why I have the rules I have and the chores you have to do and all the other responsibilities you have. My job is to make you a better person, one who becomes a responsible adult, one who makes good choices because you think it's a good idea and not because someone else thinks it is. I want you to be your own person. I want you to be able to look back on your childhood not hating the things I "made" you do or remembering all the times I just said NO. You will understand when you have children of your own (in the FAR, FAR off distance) that the only reason for all of the no's, the structure, the discipline, and the rules...all of that is because I love you. You are a bright and beautiful girl that has the whole world at her fingertips...that's kind of a big deal to your mom.

Don't waste any opportunity presented to you.

Don't feel sorry for the things you've lost; be thankful that you had them to lose.

Since your dad's been gone, you've been the one I've leaned on, as unfair as that seems at times, and you've always been there with no complaints holding me up when I needed you to. As your mom, I wish I could take away so many of the things that you've had to endure, so much hurt. You have no idea how hard it is to watch your child hurt and not be able to do a thing to make it better. I just hope loving you through the toughest of it all has been enough. Em, knowing that the hardest thing that has happened in your life so far will make you a stronger person in the future is the only positive thing about losing your dad.

You and your sister will always be the brightest parts of my day. That won't change no matter if we're fighting, or your yelling at each other, telling on each other or playing around with each other....all I have to do is look at your faces and really, nothing else matters. This won't change even if your all grown up. I hope you always know how much I love you and how proud I am of the person you are every day.

Happy 13th birthday, Emilita. Mama loves you.

Mom

Soooo nice....

I'm sitting in my dinning room, in front of a window watching the snow come down. I'm sitting next to my Christmas tree that is still standing, fully decorated. Ahhh, what a nice, quiet December afternoon....WHAT? February 1st and my Christmas tree is still up!!! This happens every year, and I mean every year. It usually doesn't come down until just before E's birthday on 2/20 and this year seems to be no different. Gawd, we are a lazy bunch!

I was talking to the girls the other day about taking it down and A says, "why, we just have to put it back up again in a couple of months." GD I love the way that kid thinks! So I say, "hey, why don't we keep it up all year round?" E is looking at me like I've gone ALL the way around the bend when I say, "I think it's a great idea, that way instead of buying all the presents at once, I can buy each of you a gift a month, wrap them up and put them under the tree until Christmas." E jumps on the band wagon then and says, "Perfect!"

So, that's that. The tree stays up, on one condition....the lights don't go on, I don't need everyone thinking I'm completely nuts!! I'm going to get REAL tired of looking at that thing, especially in the spring when I want to open the window it's sitting in front of.

January is done, one present bought for each of them. Are they wrapped....hell to the no, but they will be, soon.

Thanks for checking in.

L

730

Dear J,

It's been 730 days since I woke up to you giving me a squeeze not knowing it would be the last one I'd ever get from you. It's been 730 days since our life together came to an abrupt end and, I'm sorry but, I'm still pissed about it. I'm pissed over the big and little things you've missed in the last 730 days. And I'm pissed you aren't here for me to tell you how pissed I am about it. Being pissed is part of the grieving process, so I'm not worried that at some point I'll stop being pissed you aren't here....I just wish this part would be over soon because being pissed takes a lot of energy and I'm just plain tired.

E and A are my saving grace. They are the reason I get out of bed each and every day, they are the reason I remember to breathe and believe it or not, they are my best friends. I could be having the shittiest day in the history of shitty days and all I have to do is hear one of them tell me they love me and everything is right in my world. Believe me when I tell you, our children are amazing little people...you would be so proud of them. I am so proud of them.

One of your babies had to make a tough decision recently and in the end she chose to finish what you started, J. She didn't want to let you down. And the most important thing is that she feels like she made the right decision because she wanted to make you proud, even if she feels differently now. She keeps you alive in the youth program that was your dream, your second love. She was proud of you for all the sacrifices you made and the time you put in to something that was so important to you. Isn't it funny, the things you think your children don't notice, believe me, they notice.

E is a starter on her Jr. High basketball team and is doing quite well. She plays just like you did, all over the place and shooting every time she gets the ball. She's a work in progress but she's doing great and I see the same passion and love you had. It's an amazing thing to see, I wish you were here to see it, as does she.

A is point guard on her basketball team. She's proud that she found the courage to do it. She thanks you for believing in her when she didn't believe in herself. She's highly annoyed with her current coach to the point of looking up or making up her own plays to teach her team. She said to me one night, "mom, I'm going to coach basketball when I grow up just like dad did." I believe she will, because she said she was going to.

They are growing up right before my eyes and they are both beautiful in all the ways that matter. Of course, I could do without them fighting with each other, but I've mastered the art you were so good at...I can now ignore with the best of them.

For all that they have lost with you gone, I truly believe that they will be stronger, wiser and they will prevail. It's such a double edged sword....

We talk about you every day, that's something that will never change. You're children will never forget you, I'll make sure that they don't, no matter what changes in our lives that is something that will always stay the same.

This year, we watched every video we have of you, relishing in your laughter and hearing your voice letting the warmth surround us. Funny, I didn't realize how often you were behind the camera. If it wouldn't have been for you picking up the camera so often, we wouldn't have all the video we have, so I thank you. I hope that when the girls are older and have their own set of home videos, they can recognize what I saw in every tape. One look at your face will tell them that in the time you were here with them, they were everything that was good in your life. There is so much love on your face when you look at them that there would be no mistake that you loved them VERY much. I also hope that the girls come to cherish their birth videos as much as I do, those videos answer every question they would ever ask...never mind acting as great birth control. All kidding aside, I do hope that in the years to come, those videos will be a comfort instead of bringing tears of things lost to their hearts.

Even though I'm pissed that you aren't here, I still miss you every day, my heart hurts every day. There isn't a day, an hour, a minute, a second that goes by that you aren't somewhere in my thoughts. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to pick up the phone to tell you what silly assed thing one of the girls said that made me almost pee myself when reality slaps me in the face. Reality is a real bitch. Every once in a while someone will say to me, man I really miss J during this time or that time. While I appreciate that someone, anyone is thinking about you or thinking about the hole you left in every one's life, it hurts to hear. And that's when I remind myself, everyone has their own lives, and everyone has moved on. They don't have the daily reminder that you aren't here anymore. I get that, I don't hold it against anyone, I'm not mad....just hurt. That's on me, something I have to come to terms with and I will...eventually.

This is the hardest time of year for me, missing you.

We're half way through the youth basketball season and this year, I made the decision that this would be the last year I ran it. What I didn't realize was how hard letting it go would be for me, it was always your thing, your dream, I was just there helping. I didn't and don't have the vision or the passion you did, but it's still hard letting go of your dream. By letting go of this one very important thing, I feel like I'm giving up a part of you that I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of. Maybe by the end of the season I'll feel differently, I just don't know.

Christmas (not counting blowing shit up on 4th of July) was your favorite holiday, and you were here, I know it. No matter how loud and long you bitched about how much it cost or how much I spent, you always enjoyed the smiles the Santa gifts put on your babies faces even if it meant getting up at 6a on Christmas morning :) And don't worry, there was a present under the tree for the girls with your name on it, something that hasn't changed. The girls insisted on hanging your stocking again this year, but I'm sorry to say, Santa missed you....never fear, 2 new ornaments were hung on our tree in your honor. See, you were here.

NYE will not ever have the same meaning for me. Maybe someday I'll feel like it will be a day to celebrate, but not this year, maybe not next year, but maybe someday. And I'm not sure your shot of choice will ever be good at 6a on NYE morning, but we're gonna try it again this year :)

The girls and I, well, we're doing fine, no matter what the general opinion is. We have happy times, we have sad times, we have fun times, and we have not so fun times but we always have each other. All of these things we would still have if you were here, so we just pick up your slack. To me, it's not a fail, it's a win, I guess. Don't get me wrong, it'd be WAY better if you were here, but you know....we work even if you aren't here to smooth out the rough edges.

In the past 8 months or so, I've closed myself in and pushed away a lot of people, I know that. I've learned it's the only way to save myself from heartache and disappointment. Is it right? Probably not, but it's the right thing for me to do, right now. Thank goodness my family and friends respect that this is what I have to do. If you were here, you'd be kicking my ass from here to next Sunday....I know, get over it....I do what I want, shrug.

Every night for the last 730 days I've said 3 things before closing my eyes: I miss you, I love you, I'll never forget you.

Every morning, no matter what day, I wake up at 6a to something I've heard either in a dream or reality. I don't think I've ever told anyone that.

I am who I am in large part because of you. I wouldn't change a thing, no matter how much it hurts, I need you to know that.

Awe, I love you babe, I always will. Watch over your babies, hug your family, always be near...if only in the dreams you visit them in.

L