Happy Birthday Babe....

I wish you were here today so I could wake you up with a kiss and be the first one to wish you happy birthday like I've done every year on your birthday, but you aren't. I wish you were here to send me a thank you email/text/call after finding the 'naughty' birthday card I left for you in your car, but you aren't. I wish you were here pestering me about where we're taking you for dinner to celebrate your birthday, but you aren't here to do that either. I just wish you were here today, everyday....

I made it thru Emily's birthday, my birthday, mother's day, Allyson's birthday, father's day...all the 'first' holiday's thus far, but this one....oh man, this 'first' is a hard one because you won't be turning 35, you will forever stay 34. You aren't here to say, "well babe, we're once again the same age" or to say your most favorite, "I'm as old as you are now". It's been a horrible week or two leading up to today.

Do you remember when we moved into our house and you insisted on starting a new tradition of having parties to celebrate your birthday because, according to you, your birthday should be deemed a national holiday?? I think it was just an excuse to get your buddies down to play poker so you could take all their money :) Whatever the reason, we've had one every year that we've lived in the house, every year that you were here with us.

Do you remember....we were both the same age when we got married, 20 - I planned it that way, really I did - MY GOD does that sound young.....Who gets married at 20 these days?? Back then, we didn't have a care in the world, no kids, just working, paying the bills and making sure there was enough money left over for playing. Back in 'those days', we had it all; good friends, good times and each other.

Do you remember when I turned 21 and the first words out of your mouth were, "Babe, you can legally buy beer now." LOL....every night, for 6 VERY long months, you would call to remind me to pick up some beer on my way home from work.....Like I could forget :)

Do you remember when we found out that we were FINALLY pregnant after trying for 3 VERY long years? I won't ever tell Emily this, but I think this happened while we were on Julie and Travis' honeymoon after a very long night of Tequila Shooters ;) That was one of the best days of my life. The look on your face combined with the blood draining from it when I told you, was classic Jeff Young, OMG really?? LOL. What about when, 6 months after Emily was born, I told you we were pregnant again. I thought you might pass out because after doing the math in your head, you figured out that we got pregnant while living with mom and dad :) Good stuff....

There are so many good, wonderful, and amazing things that have happened in my life because you were by my side. You were there, being my cheerleader when I needed one, being my protector, being the advice giver when I needed it and even when I didn't, you were just there being just you.....Jeff Young, my husband, the father of our children, my friend and my sometimes enemy. Someone reminded me one day this week that the love you had for the girls and I, in the short time we had together, is more love than some people will ever experience in their entire lifetime - this is how she saw it. The sad part of that is, I know we BOTH took it for granted...When I think about the 17+ years that we had together, the good outweighs the bad and the good is what I'm trying to hold on to.

Your girls amaze me everyday with the things they do, the things they say and the random moments when they bring up your name and laugh at something that you did either with them, to them or for them. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk at length about you. And when I look at them, all I see is you staring back at me....They miss you horribly....They miss you picking on them, pissing them off, your hugs, taking them to the school bus everyday, you cooking dinner for them every night (since I've fallen down on the job quite a bit)...they just miss you being you whether it be as dad, daddy, cheerleader, coach or teacher.....they just miss you so much. I can see it in their little eyes and feel it from their hearts. You have some pretty great kids J, you would be so proud of them.

Tomorrow, a bunch of us (your mom, dad, Bruce, Judy, your sisters and their families and the girls and I) are meeting at the cemetery to celebrate you with a balloon release. It was your mom's idea....We'll be able to write messages on the balloons and the girls are hoping they make it all the way to heaven for you to read, we all do. So watch for them....the Cyclone balloons are just your mom being ornery, I think it's great - we always were a house divided when it came to the Hawks and Clones :)

You left a giant hole in our lives, one that I'm trying desperately to fill on my own.....and I feel like I'm failing the girls, you, everyone, me. I just wish you were here to wrap your arms around me and say, "your doing it Bear, I couldn't be more proud."

I am so thankful for the MANY 'what if' conversations we had, because without those conversations that pissed me off, I don't think I'd be handling this half as well as I think I am....

I want to wish for one more minute with you, but I'm afraid that would leave me wishing for a million more....there are so many things I need to tell you, things I want to tell you...I want the chance to say good-bye, to tell you I love you one more time, to hear you tell me you love me one more time. We were robbed of that opportunity, an opportunity that has all of us at loose ends, with so many questions that don't seem to have any answers.....

Happy Birthday J.....the girls and I will meet ya later for cake, cards and balloons...

xoxo

L