Is kind of a sh*tty month....it's busy, the kids are back to school full time, it's football season, gymnastics is in full swing and it seems that we are always on the go. All that aside, it's JY's birthday month with our anniversary following a week later. I planned it that way so that JY would never forget our anniversary, and he never once did. In a week we would've gone out for dinner with mom and dad and maybe Julie and her family to celebrate his birthday, a week later we would've ALL gone out to our fave hang out, O'Hana's, to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. JY and I were planning on going to Vegas to celebrate after that.
I haven't been sleeping well, if at all, for the last week....I couldn't figure out why and today it hit me, in a week JY would have been 35, my age now. I made it past the age of 34, JY will forever be 34 in mine and every one's mind. I'll never see him get older, with me. We'll never celebrate another wedding anniversary. He'll never walk his girls down the aisle and give them away at their own wedding. He'll never bounce his grand babies off his knee or teach them how to play poker :)
I'm not usually in to self pity, but lately I see myself feeling sorry for me. I'm sure it's just a part of the grieving process, it's not me. I'm the strong one, I'm the one that holds everyone up, the one that gets everyone thru with a smile.....I'm stressed, I'm mom and dad to the girls, it's on 24/7 with no break and I hate to admit that some days it's just too much for me. It's too much for all of us. I reached a breaking point earlier in the week and it wasn't pretty....but it needed to happen.
I'm also struggling with things I'm hearing from random people, those close to me and people I don't even know. All I ask is that you please not judge me until you walk a mile in my shoes. I'm doing the best I can and I don't have to justify or defend myself to anyone, and I won't. I'm doing what I can to get thru every minute of this lonely walk that is now my life. I would like to give up some days, throw in the towel, but to give up on me would be to give up on the 2 things that matter most in my life and I won't do it, ever.
Pity party serving one, once again. Thanks for checking in....
L
1 comment:
Lesa, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You and the girls and the families will get through the coming months and firsts and the lasts the best you can. We are all pulling for you and would take some of the burden, help carry the load, if we could. Keep on, sistah! Head down, chin to the ground. One step at a time . . .
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