Happy Birthday Sophia (and dad)!!!

So, Aunt Lesa, the jerk store called and they're all outta you!! I meant to put something out here on Dad and Sophia's actual birthday (July 3rd) but we had a busy week leading up to the birthday. I know this can't make up for it, but I'm sure gonna try!! Just remember, that just because I didn't get a video up here like I usually do...doesn't mean you don't mean the world to me, because you do. I love you both with all of my heart! I hope you had a good birthday.

Always,
L

Little Sophia Anna Maria's (not really her name, just what Aunt Lesa has always called her) first Christmas.

You loved me even back when you didn't know better :)

Dad (taken at Chuck E Cheese) with his favorite - The Tellie Tubbies...LOL, this just cracks my sh*t up!! I told you this picture would come back to haunt you :)

Austin Fireworks 2009

One word....AMAZING!!

It was a show JY could be proud of made complete only by the appearance of one Firecracker Phil and his lovely assistant Wilma. It was quite an honor to have the master here helping out with the show and even bringing a little extra with him, the finale was amazing. We had a full house for the show with popcorn and everything.

The rest of the weekend was spent playing in the mud with the 4 wheeler, camping, and a giant slip n slide.

We made it thru another holiday....one that was a favorite of J's. It was easy with so much family and friends around to help us thru.

Next stop...Tampa, FL - woot, woot!!

L

Random...

I listen to all sorts of music from naughty rap to country to 80's hair bands to Hannah Montana....I'm always searching for the perfect song to mirror whatever mood I'm in at that moment. In my world, moments sometimes last longer than what the word moment means..Currently, my mood is melancholy or just going thru the motions or sometimes just trying to be what people think I should be when on the inside I'm out of control...I mean, I'm not REALLY out of control, I just feel like it sometimes. And when I say out of control, I just mean I'm not the me I was 6 months ago. I'm sure that makes abso-f'n-lutely no sense whatsoever, but there it is. So, when I stumbled across this song (by Kelly Clarkson) in my current moment that started about 3 weeks ago, I dubbed it my new favorite poor me song. LOL, because I'm into self pity for sure :) It doesn't mean anything in particular except for all of the emotions I'm going thru - you know the standard love/hate/anger. But really, I think I like it more for the ending oh and the fact that I have hazel eyes.

Behind these hazel eyes

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything it felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No I cant sleep
Im barely hanging on

(Chorus)
Here I am
Once again
Im torn into pieces
Cant deny it
Cant pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you wont get to see the tears I cry
Behind these Hazel eyes

I told you Everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all thats left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside
Cause I cant breathe
No I cant sleep
Im barley hangin on

(Chorus)
Here I am
Once again
Im torn into pieces
Cant deny it
Cant pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you wont get to see the tears I cry
Behind these Hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Just seeing you it kills me now
No I dont cry
On the outside anymore

Here I am
Once again
Im torn into pieces
Cant deny it
Cant pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you wont get to see the tears I cry
Behind these Hazel eyes

Maybe it sounds goofy to you, but I listen to this song (and Halo, if you haven't heard that song, you need to go out and get it for your iPod) like a million times a day and in a way it makes me stronger, so I say whatever works, right?? Right.

Thanks for checking in....

L

Not too much.....

Going on in the Young house. It's been pretty quiet for a while now that the only thing the girls are up to is gymnastics and we're done with State so now their just just getting ready for the Jr Olympics in August. We've been keeping busy doing nothing really, but we're ALWAYS busy doing exactly that...nothing.

We do, however, have several BIG things coming up. The first being...the 3rd of July. Why? Well, it's dad and Sophia's birthday. In previous years, this day is HUGE!! Birthday's are special, duh. But on this day (for as long as I can remember) I would drive dad, Jeff and whoever else wanted to tag along down to Missouri to buy our 4th of July show from Firecracker Phil...And when I say our SHOW, I mean our SHOW!! I'm pretty sure most of St. Charles either comes down to mom and dad's or they sit out on their back porch turned towards the southeast bottoms of town and watched in amazement, it was that good. Our show was so awesome that in recent years it took more than dad and Jeff to put the show on, last years show was the most amazing yet! It's rumored that in honor of J, Firecracker Phil is putting together the best yet for us. This year, however, I won't be driving down to MO for the annual trip. I won't be there to have a 'beer' with Firecracker Phil or grab a hug from him....I just can't this year. It's just one more reminder of things J won't be here for.....and it kinda sucks ass a little, jus' sayin'.

Other big things coming up for the girls and I....a trip to Florida. The look on their faces when I told them was worth the cost of the whole thing. That's what I'm missing, the smile's that reach their eyes, I haven't seen that in a while and I'm glad I could put it back where it belonged if only for a short time. St. Charles Old Settlers, the family reunion in August, Jr Olympics....we are all sorta booked up for the summer. In between all of that, lots and lots of pool time :) And maybe some hours on the 4 wheeler we added to our list of toys :)

Stay tuned for a summer full of pictures and fun time from us :)

Thanks for checking in :)

L

Check out some pics from this weekend here

Random goofiness :)

I've been meaning to put these up here for a while now....well since the girls and I got back from Waterloo. The pictures below, of the girls and I, were taken when we were in Waterloo at the Crossroads Mall. The girls had never seen anything like this before, so I told them about a photo booth where their dad and I (and my friends) had our pictures taken while at Chuck E Cheese for my 17th birthday....on the same night their dad MIGHT have gotten pulled the F over by the copper copper crime stoppers for doing 135mph in a 65mph zone. He was so cool in his (whatever year) black Monte Carlo....I loved that car!!

They wanted to see the pictures so I showed them....and they were all like, huh, that's dad?? Yup, he was such a baby in these pictures :) And I loved him then like I did the day I lost him. Did he know it?? I'm sure he did, I told him every chance I got.

Anyway.....enjoy and thanks for checking in....

L

Yup, you see here: Sheri, Shana, Heather and myself :) Jesus Kathy, could our hair be any bigger?? LOL



LY and JY back in the day when I was 100 lbs lighter and I think maybe JY was a couple pounds lighter....what a stick figure he was...p/s, wtf is up the J Ho hoop earings and LARGE glasses I had on?? Must have been carry over from the 80's..LOL



Me and the girls being all goof troop. My god they make me laugh.

Sunday FUN day!!

I haven't been posting a lot of pictures on the blog of the fun things the girls and I have been up to, but I have been posting them out on FaceBook and I found out that you can view them too - even if you don't have a FB account set up. Just follow this link HERE and you can see the pictures from the pool day we had today.

On Friday, I decided (in honor of our trip to Florida that we'll be taking) that I would get a waterproof camera!! So the last couple of days we've been at the pool and the girls have been taking shot after shot of underwater photos. They are a hoot to view!!

So check them out :)

L

Father's Day....

Us girls, we've encountered another first....This is a big one. In our house, Mother's Day and Father's Day is a pretty big deal. The tradition is, whoever's day it is they get to make the plans - this includes but is not limited to: sleeping in, going out for brunch to a dive because we didn't shower, fishing maybe, lounging, hanging out with the girls and just being lazy. Today, we have a new tradition, we get to go out to the cemetery...

I woke up this morning and just laid in bed and sent up my own happy daddy's day to JY. I told him how proud I am of our daughters, how they amaze me every single day and how strong and awesome they are. I told him that whenever I feel like I can't put one foot in front of the other, all I have to do is look at one of their sweet faces and find the courage to carry on. I hurt for the girls today...I hurt because they don't have JY to hug, kiss and give him their silly cards they bought yesterday... JY was a lot of things to a lot of people, but he was always the best daddy to his girls, first and last. I will never, EVER question his love for his girls, they were his world and I will remind them of that until I am no longer able to.

We're going out to the cemetery today to take him the gift and cards we bought him (pictures below).

Happy Father's day to my dad, thank you for being who you are. Without you, I wouldn't be who I am. I love you.

Thanks for checking in....

L

We decided that this was PERFECT. JY wasn't really in to bears, but this what he did all the time. There's even a bear sitting at the table with his hat turned around, just like JY did. But notice there is a girl bear sitting at the table - with the most chips LOL seems about right :)
The saying on the bottom of this is so appropriate it's scary... Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her; but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.

Worry....

Do you know the meaning of the word?? I looked it up and here is one def. of it: To feel uneasy or concerned about something; be troubled.

Apparently I'm causing a lot of people a lot of worry. While I appreciate and love all of the people who are worried about me, I'm here to tell you, I'M FINE. I promise, the moment you need to start worrying about me is about the time I hole up in the house, in my bed, no showers, no brushing my teeth, and no doing my hair (because we ALL know how cool I think my hair is). That's when you need to worry.

I'm going to try and explain this to you so you might have some idea what walking in my shoes feels like. And unless you've lost your husband, and even if you have, you will NEVER truly know how hard it is to make it thru the day wondering when the other shoe will fall.

I'm trying to find my way, the only way I know how. I'm going out, yes. I'm drinking, yes. Is it a problem, NO. I'm living my life, yes....because GD, I'm still here to walk thru the day with the girls. To lean on them and for them to lean on me. Is it hard for all of us, yes.

In the past 5 1/2 months I've made some decisions knowing that I would get hurt, that my heart would get broken. But you know what, I'm glad I did make those decisions because at least I know that I can still feel, hope and believe in life and other people. Did it suck to get hurt, yes....but I feel like I'm a better person for doing it, for following my heart and even risking it.

I'm gonna say it again....there is no need to worry about me, I'm still me, the same me I was when JY was here the only difference is - I'm the one having fun. I don't mean that to sound bad....but we all know who took care of things ;) I guess I just really wanted to let those who are worried about me know....I love you for the worry, but it's not warranted. I'm just trying to find out who Lesa is and that's either alone having great fun with my friends or with someone who makes me catch my breath and heart ache with a look....that's all.

Luv ya, and thanks for checking in...

L

AAU State Gymnastics meet is in the bag...thank god!

Busy weekend for the Young's. On Friday the girls and I strapped into Joe (the jeep for those of you not paying attention) and formed a caravan to Waterloo (Rosie, the GPS, leading the way). It was a long time to be in the car and I'm not used to being the one driving...I used to just sit in the passenger seat, read, smoke and bitch at JY for driving too fast...LOL.

We FINALLY got to the hotel at 830p and of course before the suitcase is empty the girls are in their swimming suits and headed for the pool. And I'm all, girls, you have to wait for mommy to pour a drink, THEN we can go to the pool....JC. So, we close down the pool at 11p and I've had several vodka cranberry's and we're off to bed.

Saturday morning we're at the gym (thanks Rosie) at 815a ready to put in a long assed day. Emily got State runner up in Trampoline and Double Mini Trampoline. Allyson got State runner up in Double Mini Trampoline and 3rd in the state on Trampoline..I think. Isn't that horrible?? We were in the gym from 815a to 730p with a tiny break in the middle for lunch and hanging out at the mall with Grandma Deb and Grandpa Bruce. Dinner, swimming and 4 more vodka cranberry's and we're back in bed preparing for another day in the gym.

Sunday morning we were almost late for Allyson's start time....but we got there just in time. She got 6th in the state on floor and Emily got 4th in the state on floor. Not a bad weekend for both. I am so damn proud of those girls and if JY was here he'd say the same. They amaze me every time I watch them.

A side trip to CR for dinner with one of JY's buddy's, drove thru some nasty weather and in the driveway by 845p. A couple loads of laundry and I'm in bed by 12a. It was a good weekend spent just us girls...man I love those girls....

Thanks for checking in....

L

A few things....

Tonight I dropped the kids off at gymnastics and drove out to the cemetery to have a long over due chat with JY. While sitting there, I've decided that we picked out the perfect headstone...I sat on the bench, crossed my legs, cracked open my Diet Dr. P, lit a smoke and just started talking.

Even tho the conversation was a little one sided, I sat out there for over an hour. I didn't know that in 5 months I'd have so much to say. I'm sure JY, if he were there, would have told me to shut up already...LOL. I talked to him about the girls, about work, about the things that I'll be doing on the house, about how straight F'd up my life is right now and about how pissed I am at him for leaving us, the girls especially, here alone.

I told him that I have to look at pictures to really see his face. I told him about wanting to be loved, about how alone I feel even in a crowd, about not wanting to be alone and about trusting my heart even when I know it will be broken. I let him know how disappointed I am in a few people who promised him they would step up.

I went out there looking for a sign, something....it was a bust. The only thing that I got was a whole lotta of hearing myself talk, cry and curse...

Thanks for checking in.....

L