Instead of Where's Waldo....it's Where's Lesa???

Never fear for I have returned. Yep, we've been busy, so busy I've run myself into the ground, or into bed, I've been so tired. Anyhoot, here's a little catch up for you, no, no you can't sit down :)

Let's start with Wednesday LAST week. My washer broke, yep it did. How do I know this?? (I am a girl after all) Hm, my towels are soaking, what the H? I'll run it thru again and maybe the spin cycle will do what it's supposed to do...yep still wet. Ring, ring...hey dad I think my washer is broke. Dad, Uncle Bruce and mom come over and declare it all broked up. Nice. So, Friday night I bought a new washer AND dryer...the new dryer because YOU KNOW that would have broke this week :)

Saturday morning I gave blood (yea me) and walked in the house at 955a. At 10a the phone is ringing and it's JY's mom, um Lesa, is Allyson playing bball today. Yes, her game is at 11a. JY's mom's all, no, she plays at 10a. WTF?? Who changed the schedule and didn't tell me?? OMG, yep, Allyson made it just in time to play the second half of her game. Great, I'm that mom now. Ally's team won and Emily's team lost both games. Bummer!!

Sunday, gymnastics...in Melcher. We leave the house at 1130a, I'm driving mom, dad and the girls to Melcher on a nice Sunday drive. The trip was shorter than I thought because we got there in PLENTY of time. After what seems like forever Allyson is called, she got 2nd place (out of 7 girls). Another forever passes by and Emily is called, she got 3rd place (out of 3 girls). Good job girls. Just remember, I don't care where you stand on the podium, as long as you do your best. My heart just fills with pride watching you do what you do.

Today was a good day! Yeah, I needed one of those. Then I got home....In the mail was a card. I get cards everyday. Not a day goes by that there isn't one in the mail box, just thinking of you cards. Today, I received one from a colleague of Jeff's from CA. It was very nice, the letter was very nice and it made me cry. See, I don't think anyone knows how my life is everyday. I can't explain it so you will understand. The only way you will ever know is if, god forbid, you go thru it yourself.

Everyday I wake up knowing that I will never see, hear, smell, touch, talk to, fight with, hug or kiss Jeff again. Everyday I wake up with the scene from that morning running thru my head and thinking what if. Everyday I wake up and say, huh another shitty day ahead. And everyday I question whether I'll make it thru without pissing someone off because I'm not being a very good friend, sister, daughter, mother or if I'm not doing my job well enough or if people are thinking I'm making poor decisions or wondering if some kid at school is going to make fun of one of my girls or treat them badly or say something about Jeff to hurt their feelings. "Things" that I never thought about before, because I had everything I needed and wanted in J. It's true when I tell you that J was my everything - the best friend, the best fighter, the best maker upper, and I truly believe we were the best together. We, along with the girls, fit.

Today hurts more than it did yesterday, and I think J's mom said it right tonight while we were talking on the phone "the shock is wearing off". And I think she's right.

Everyday is a new day to count a first that we're/I'm doing without J. I know that they say time heals all wounds, but it doesn't make them disappear. I miss J, I miss him every second, minute, hour of everyday. So, here I am, just trying to make it thru another second, minute, hour, day.

Thanks for checking in.

L