On Tuesday, I went thru all of J's clothes. I took them out of drawers, off of hangers, smelled them, folded them and put them in laundry baskets. J's dresser and closet contents filled 3 large laundry baskets. Three things I learned while doing this: #1: Of course I had to be a little drunk, #2: Holy shit that's hard and #3: JY was a clothes whore, boy liked his clothes and maybe I liked buying for him (maybe, just a little).
Today, I handed over what I could part with to J's mom so she could make something special out of his clothes for the girls and I suppose for me as well. Was it hard to take them out of the room we shared, yeah. Was it hard unloading the baskets and putting the contents in J's mom's car, yeah. Was it hard to watch her drive away with everything J owned, wore and in a way erase him from our house? Oh hell yeah. But I did it, and I was not drinking ;)
Just when I think it's ok to let go a little I get slapped in the face with a little bit of reality...yeah, I know it's only been 5 months...yeah, I know I'm in for a long road ahead....yeah, I know I have family and friends I can lean on. But man, right now, I'd give anything to talk to J about how straight F'd up my life is right now.
Thanks for checking in.
L
2 comments:
Lesa, ............and my vision was to cry all the way home with J's clothes in the back seat, but instead a calm came over me with a tear injected now and then. I positioned my rear view mirror to be able to see J's clothes sitting in the back seat, and with every look, I found you, Emily, Allyson and Jeff in a very special memory. I remembered when he wore a particular shirt....I remembered what the occasion was...and I remembered you, Emily and Allyson were indeed part of that memory and the common thread was "Love".
So I shall stitch this "Love" together with "memories" into the quilts for you, Emily and Allyson and one day I will return to you what was so hard for you to see go away..........only it will be in a form that you can "cuddle" with, lay over you for warmth and comfort, or just look at and "remember", or hold on to and "Love". Lesa, J cannot be erased from your house anymore than he can be erased from your life. You are who you are today because of the "Good" you found in J. J became the person he was because of the "Good" he found in you. Embrace the "Good"....
I love you so much Lesa, Deb
Wow. Strong Mama. I hope I never have to be there or do that. But if I do. If I am. Let me be that kind of Strong Woman. Survivor.
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