Christmas Eve...

'Twas the night before Christmas and all the thru the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (thank god)....

It's quiet tonight, too quiet. Santa's been here and gone, we had a nice chat where he told me my stocking would be empty since I was still awake. The girls are fast asleep...they asked me if they could go to bed at 7p...I kept them up until 930p so we could sleep in but I know Allyson has her alarm set for 630a, we even negotiated a wake up time before they would go to bed.

Emily says to me tonight, "I can't believe that it's Christmas already, and not just because it's Christmas tomorrow, I think this whole year without dad has gone by so fast." Is it possible that my 11 year old, who shouldn't be thinking like this, knows what we adults know, that time moves at the speed of light and that if you blink, you'll miss it? This makes me sad...

Last Christmas Eve J and I had started a new tradition....dinner at the house, just us. He whipped up (with the supervision of mom) my most favorite meal - scalloped potatoes and ham - he said we would do this every year and I believed him.

I miss him so much but I'm also so angry that he's not here.

Last Christmas Eve, while I was working, J and the girls went shopping for me. He got me a beautiful ring...I won't mention that I exchanged it the next week for a more simple, a more me kind of ring. I also won't mention that I went back and bought the same ring after losing J. It was the last thing he bought me, it was his last 'I love you' to me....I had to get it back and I did. Both rings are tucked away, saved for when I can pass them on to the girls.

Waking up tomorrow morning, just us girls, it's going to be rocky. But the girls' excitement over Santa's visit and the gifts will put a smile on my face. I know J will be here with us.....tomorrow was his favorite day.

Thanks for checking in. Merry Christmas.

L