These are my thoughts and feelings...I think I've started an entry like this in the past. I'm having a rough day today, I'm allowed, I've allowed myself a few in the past months. I don't like to show anyone that side of me because, as I've said before, I'm the strong one, the one that shows up and never falters.
Today, I tripped.
Today, while I was at home working, I wrapped Christmas presents and signed each of the girls gifts 'From: Mom'...that's it, just from mom. So, last week when I was falling apart over the realization of waking up just us girls on Christmas morning, that was just the beginning. Super.
Every day I remember one new thing from the days leading up to and in the days that followed losing J. Every new thing I remember, brings it back full circle. We're coming so close to the one year mark...we're within days....not months, days and every day I am more aware of my surroundings, of what's missing, of what I want.
Today, I'm overwhelmed and I wish J were here to carry some of the load I have to bear. He would know what to do, and I miss that.
Thanks for checking in.....and for listening to my ramblings for the last 11 months and 17 days.
L
6 comments:
ahhhh. pure sorrow. how you miss him. How you miss, JY. . . . and that is only right and proper. On the other hand, it is so, so sad that you even have to deal with it or wonder about it. Take care!
Dear Lesa,
Yes, the pain you feel this month is as painful as fresh grief. It is OK Lesa for the strong to stumble from time to time. This journey you have been asked to walk is full of backstepping into a path you would rather not be walking...but you will keep moving along..mixing the pain with the hope, mixing the tears with laughter and mixing thoughts of what should have been with thoughts of what is. This past year has been the single most hardest time you have had to endure, but you have! Each day you have found grief puts on a new face and some days you have found are incredibly hard to bear, while others are manageable. The next couple weeks and a half will not be easy...but I know even though you cannot see Jeff, he is with you, he is watching over you, he is loving you and sending you hugs of warmth and caring to shoulder a new day. You are in my thoughts Dear Lesa. I love you! Deb
Lesa. When Tom was writing out our Christmas tags for the youngs Christmas he experienced this also. he started to sign our name and stopped and looked at me and said" what do I write, I can't write Dad and Judy any Longer. You never know when realization is going to hit you. You just have to keep trodding along the path each and every day for those to girls. You will do it with the help of your family and friends. Judy
I too came to a startling realization this morning when I drug out the Christmas stockings for the kids to hang when they come in today to decorate cookies for their teachers.......there in the Christmas decoration box is Jeff's stocking with all the others. I ask myself, do I get it out or leave it in the box. I think I will take Allyson and Emily's lead, because I know Allyson will ask where it is. When the girls and I put up the Christmas tree Allyson made sure all the stockings where ready (meaning all the names were attached)for this year, even her dad's. We'll see......Even if Jeff's stocking isn't hung this year, we have a new special Christmas decoration for him on our tree, it reads, "Today, Tomorrow, Forever".
Love, Mom
Lesa---we all think we should not trip or falter but we are only human. These next 2 weeks will be as hard yes but you HAVE made it this far and you can make it through it --you the girls and your family. It is ok to trip now and then. Remember Jy is with you and will be there not the way we would like but he is with you. Love Aunt Deb
if you get real frustated bake and burn some cookies it really helps.
we are all here, trying to help you over the one-year mark. Wishin', hoping, praying. You will make it! maybe it isn't easy and maybe not pretty. But you'll make it and we all are here, cheering you on! You can do it!
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