365 days...

It’s been 365 days since I woke up to my worst nightmare. It doesn’t seem possible that a whole year has gone by….but it has, I can’t change that part of my life no matter how bad I want to, not just for me but for the 2 reasons I keep getting up in the morning. I truly believe what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.

I’ve been working on this one post for 3 weeks now, I knew that if I waited until the last minute, I wouldn’t know what to say or how to say it. So, here is my best shot….it won’t even come close to the feelings I want to express.

At 6am, 365 days ago, I lost the best part of me.

At 6am, 365 days ago, the girls lost the best dad.

At 6am, 365 days ago, his family lost their son, brother, son-in-law and brother-in-law.

At 6am, 365 days ago, his friends lost good for a laugh, poker playin', beer drinkin' JY.

Today, 365 days later, we have a new life...all of us. It's different and scary....but it's a life that we can be proud of, that I'm proud of.

Today, 365 days later, I can look back on my blog entries and can remember being so broken and lost. Today, I can see the healing.

Today, 365 days later, I can look back and see the mistakes I've made and the steps I've taken to right them. In the last 365 days, I'm not proud of some of the things that I've done, but I did them and only I have to live with them. In the last 365 days, I found a me that I like and can learn to love. In the last 365 days, the girls and I have experienced things we wouldn't have had J been here walking the same path with us. In the last 365 days, I have a relationship with my daughters that maybe I wouldn't have had if J had been here. In the last 365 days, I've learned that time, people and life doesn’t stand still because your heart is broken. In the last 365 days, I've learned who I can count on to catch me when I fall. In the last 365 days, I learned how to ask for help and also that I can't do it all. In the last 365 days, I’ve done things I never in a million years I thought I’d ever have to do, but I did because J wasn’t here to help.

In the last 365 days, I've learned that people forget and move on.

In the next 365 days God only knows what we’ll be forced to endure, but we’re ready and I feel like we can handle anything. In the next 365 days, I'm going to concentrate more on what I've got and less on what I've lost. In the next 365 days, I'm going to try harder to shut out the negative and let in only the positive. In the next 365 days, I'm going to open my heart and mind to opportunities and possibilities. In the next 365 days, I'm going to learn how to love and trust again. In the next 365 days, I want butterflies.

In the next 365 days, I'm going to do what J wanted me to do....Live.

All my big talk aside, I can't do these things without my family and friends beside me. Thank you for all of the love and support you've given the girls and I. Jeff Young has many reasons to smile down on us....he has many people he should be proud of and some he should be disappointed in (had to be said).

At 6am, December 31, 2009, I raised my glass and had a chat with what used to be the best part of me.....after 365 days; I know where the best part of me is and maybe where it’s always been, I just thought I needed J beside me to be the best part of me. I’m no longer Jeff and Lesa….I’m Lesa and the girls and I'm ok with that.

My life is a work in progress and right now, I’m on the road to recovery and healing…right now, I’m happy instead of horribly sad and sorry for myself and the girls and that scares me a little.

I miss you babes, I told E a couple months ago...I'll always love your dad best because he gave me what no one else can....he gave me you and your sister and no one can replace that kind of love. They are the best parts of you J and through them; I'll have a little piece of you with me, always.

Thanks for checking in….

L