Diary of a 'first time' quitter - day 2

I would love to say WHEW, that was tough....but, honestly, it wasn't at all, I'm just glad to be rid of that 'first day'. There were just a couple times I faltered and thought in my head, wow, I'd really like to have a smoke...but I didn't. The first time I wanted one was after dinner and the second time was when I saw someone smoking in a movie I was watching. It also helped having someone in my corner supporting me last night...oh and telling me how nice it is to not smell smoke on me...

Since putting up my first post about quitting, I've been given a lot of advice and a couple things to think about (thanks Rachel):

- The worst side effects happen within 24-48 hours of quitting
- Within 2-4 weeks, all side effects stop

In all honesty, I stopped smoking at 735p on Sunday night and I've been staying in a place that I don't usually smoke much...the true test will be when I get home tonight and just chill. I haven't had a beer yet either....so there are some things I've been staying away from while I 'detox' myself from the one thing that has always been there for me to ease the stress in my life.

I CAN DO THIS, I have no doubt.....I just wonder what/who I'll lose in the process.

Thanks for checking in....

L

Diary of a 'first time' quitter - day 1

I woke up, and wanted one...but I didn't do it. As a matter of fact, I threw my remaining cigarettes away....believe me when I tell you it felt like I was losing my best friend when I threw them away....I have been smoking since I was 14-15 years old, of course it feels like my BF...yikes.

It is now 10am, smoke break time, and I'm feeling good...I don't feel like I want one. I thought quitting cold turkey would be hard, but I like the mind set I'm in, and the peeps I'm doing it for matter to me, I matter to me.

To the peeps closest to me, please don't tell me it will be hard - I already know...please don't tell me I'll fail - I will try my damnedest not to...please don't turn your back on me IF I fail - It could happen, I just won't let it...please stick by me when I'm at my worst - because we ALL know that at some point I'll turn in to that person NO ONE knows and accuse you of sh*t you may or may not have done.....All I'm asking for is support, it's all anyone would ask for.

Thanks for checking in.....

L

The weekend..

Started on Friday night with our second to last exhibition team performance at MstM. We did one show during half time of the boys game. It was a great performance! Our friends Jodee and Sydney came to watch the girls do their thing..thanks for coming girls, too bad the slumber party didn't work out, maybe next time :)

Saturday = basketball. Allyson played at 11a and her team won. Emily's game was at 2p and her team WON. They brought home a VICTORY with a score of 28-16, outstanding!! Emily made a lay up her dad would be proud of, beautiful, just beautiful. One more week of regular season play and we're done and moving on to the planning of the JY Classic.

Not a bad weekend.....thanks for checking in...

L

2010 Exhibition Team performance

Here is a link that you can go to and watch the girls performance at I35 last Tuesday night. Thank goodness someone else figured out how to pull the video so other people could watch it!!

One more performance to go and the Xteam season is over....Enjoy.

Click HERE to see it. Emily is in the pink bag like 4th from the right and Allyson is in the green (teal) bag like 2nd from the right. Good stuff!!

Thanks for checking in.....

L

Another crazy, stupid, busy weekend....

Our weekend started with the gymnastics Exhibition team performing during half time of the girls and boys basketball games at Clarke High School. What an amazing job the whole team did!! It was the first time I'd watched the dance and it was pretty cute and if I could figure out how in the world to get the video OFF the mini disc it's on, I'd put it up for all of you to see. If you missed Friday's performance, never fear, they perform on Tuesday (2/2) at I35, Friday (2/5) at MstM and March 6th at a Drake game.

Saturday up early for the long trip to West Central Valley/Stuart for 4 hours of basketball games. Allyson's team won their game while Emily's team lost both of their games. Hopefully next week we'll bring home a W for E. Only 2 weeks of regular season play left then it's planning, planning, planning for the JY Classic Youth tourney on March 13th.

After driving all the way home from WCV, we were home long enough to let Lybbi out and pack the car for a road trip to the Amana's for a stay at the Wasserbahn water park. Much to every one's dismay, the water park was just ok but we still had fun hanging out and just being with each other. It was a great girls night away, and greatly needed for all of us. We followed that up with a little shopping at the outlet mall. I left WITHOUT getting a Coach purse in which Emily thought I might be sick because that NEVER happens :) The rest of Sunday was spent on the couch catching up on the DVR...that was the best!!

I'm T minus 6 days from the end of my smoking career...shocking, I know. I'm a little nervous and a little stressed out already but I need to do this, if not for myself but for the girls. When J was here we NEVER smoked in the whole house, in the last 8 months I've started doing that and I can see a change in the girls and I don't like it. I decided last week that I had 2 cartons left and when they were gone, they were gone....Lord help us all because I'll be a straight B until I'm over the initial shock. I'm not sure anyone has any clue what that's going to be like except me and it won't be pretty.....I have a support group of one, a buddy at work, we're going to do this together. I'm ready, I think I've been ready for a long time but didn't really feel like I could handle the stress in my life without my crutch.....I'm stronger today than I was over a year ago and I'm ready to let go....I know I can do it, the one's closest to me just have to hang in there until the storm blows over, however long that takes.

Busy week this week and I say bring it :) Thanks for checking in.....

L

Too many snow days = crazy dances...

In the last 2 weeks the girls have had 3 snow/weather days + one teacher in service day....I've realized that while on their days off, they might have gotten a little bored which leads to crazy made up dances like this one.....

Busy...nuf said

Basketball, gymnastics, mom's social life, basketball, gymnastics, mom's social life...it's a vicious circle but it's our life.

Last weekend, we played basketball in Van Meter. Allyson's team got demolished, and we forfeited Emily's 6th grade game because of the street ball being played on the court. This weekend, we played at our home gym against Panora. Allyson's team won and Emily's team got killed. They try so hard, but it's never enough......3 more weeks of regular play and the JY Classic and we'll be able to call this season good :) I so can't wait....horrible, right??

I feel like after passing the one year mark, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders...I feel like I can be the me I want to be. I'm happy and I don't feel bad about it or care what other people think of the me I'm being....the only thing that matters is that I'm happy and as long as I'm happy, the girls are happy and as long as the girls are happy....life is good. We celebrate J every day, talking about him makes us stronger. He was such a large influence in all 3 of our lives, to not remember something of him everyday would be like he never existed. He's all around us and pushing us to move on, be happy, live life like he did, BIG. That's what we're doing and I feel like he's nothing but happy for us, for me.

We're still here, we're not going anywhere and we'll never forget....but we can't live in the past, to do that would be to dismiss everything J was. We won't do it....we miss him, yes, will that bring him back, no...we've accepted this.

Thanks for checking in.....

L

It's about to get CRAZY busy...

In the Young house!!

After many, many road blocks (i.e. Iowa weather), the basketball season for the girls officially started yesterday. I sat in the gym for 6.5 hours yesterday and was ready for a drink or 5 by the time I left!! It was a great start for Allyson's team who killed the other team, however, Emily's team didn't do so well in the 2 games they played. I hope this isn't how the season will continue for Em's team...they work so hard but just can't seem to pull out a W. We have 5 more weeks of regular season play then the JY Classic in March then we'll be done...I'm tired already.

As if basketball didn't keep us busy enough, both girls made the Exhibition Team for gymnastics. For the next 2 months we have performances at our local schools, Drake and Graceland. Throw in gymnastic competitions and we are FULL up!! Keeping busy has never been a problem in this house, I'm just not sure I'm ready for all that :) Ready or not, it's on...

I'll keep ya posted on all this business that will be our lives for the next few months...guess I better get my butt conditioned for a whole lotta bleacher sitting...ugh...however much I complain, nothing puts a smile on my face more than watching my girls do what they love, gymnastics and basketball.

Thanks for checking in....I need you to feel my pain :)

L

365 days...

It’s been 365 days since I woke up to my worst nightmare. It doesn’t seem possible that a whole year has gone by….but it has, I can’t change that part of my life no matter how bad I want to, not just for me but for the 2 reasons I keep getting up in the morning. I truly believe what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.

I’ve been working on this one post for 3 weeks now, I knew that if I waited until the last minute, I wouldn’t know what to say or how to say it. So, here is my best shot….it won’t even come close to the feelings I want to express.

At 6am, 365 days ago, I lost the best part of me.

At 6am, 365 days ago, the girls lost the best dad.

At 6am, 365 days ago, his family lost their son, brother, son-in-law and brother-in-law.

At 6am, 365 days ago, his friends lost good for a laugh, poker playin', beer drinkin' JY.

Today, 365 days later, we have a new life...all of us. It's different and scary....but it's a life that we can be proud of, that I'm proud of.

Today, 365 days later, I can look back on my blog entries and can remember being so broken and lost. Today, I can see the healing.

Today, 365 days later, I can look back and see the mistakes I've made and the steps I've taken to right them. In the last 365 days, I'm not proud of some of the things that I've done, but I did them and only I have to live with them. In the last 365 days, I found a me that I like and can learn to love. In the last 365 days, the girls and I have experienced things we wouldn't have had J been here walking the same path with us. In the last 365 days, I have a relationship with my daughters that maybe I wouldn't have had if J had been here. In the last 365 days, I've learned that time, people and life doesn’t stand still because your heart is broken. In the last 365 days, I've learned who I can count on to catch me when I fall. In the last 365 days, I learned how to ask for help and also that I can't do it all. In the last 365 days, I’ve done things I never in a million years I thought I’d ever have to do, but I did because J wasn’t here to help.

In the last 365 days, I've learned that people forget and move on.

In the next 365 days God only knows what we’ll be forced to endure, but we’re ready and I feel like we can handle anything. In the next 365 days, I'm going to concentrate more on what I've got and less on what I've lost. In the next 365 days, I'm going to try harder to shut out the negative and let in only the positive. In the next 365 days, I'm going to open my heart and mind to opportunities and possibilities. In the next 365 days, I'm going to learn how to love and trust again. In the next 365 days, I want butterflies.

In the next 365 days, I'm going to do what J wanted me to do....Live.

All my big talk aside, I can't do these things without my family and friends beside me. Thank you for all of the love and support you've given the girls and I. Jeff Young has many reasons to smile down on us....he has many people he should be proud of and some he should be disappointed in (had to be said).

At 6am, December 31, 2009, I raised my glass and had a chat with what used to be the best part of me.....after 365 days; I know where the best part of me is and maybe where it’s always been, I just thought I needed J beside me to be the best part of me. I’m no longer Jeff and Lesa….I’m Lesa and the girls and I'm ok with that.

My life is a work in progress and right now, I’m on the road to recovery and healing…right now, I’m happy instead of horribly sad and sorry for myself and the girls and that scares me a little.

I miss you babes, I told E a couple months ago...I'll always love your dad best because he gave me what no one else can....he gave me you and your sister and no one can replace that kind of love. They are the best parts of you J and through them; I'll have a little piece of you with me, always.

Thanks for checking in….

L

Do you remember...

What you were doing last year on this exact day?? I remember what I was doing...I was working on the very last day I could have spent with J.

I woke up oblivious to my life changing in the next 24 hours. I woke up, left a house full of sleeping peeps and went to work like it was just another day....and it was just another day, or so I thought. I came home that night to dinner being made by J, stew and cheesy potato soup. The girls had gymnastics and J and I had the house to ourselves for a little while. We spent it playing Wii, bowling of course. The girls came home and promptly went up to spend the night with Slye at J's insistence. I always wondered if he knew what was to come and he didn't want his babies to be in the house. He was VERY adamant and it was completely out of character for him to be like that...So at 1030p the girls went up and spent the night at Shan's house...we fought about it, it was the dumbest fight.

Also out of character for J, he slept in our bed. I couldn't remember the last time he'd done that...but sure enough when my alarm went off at 545a, he was there, not only next to me but snuggling up to me....it's the sweetest memory I have. After that, the day just went to shit.

Tomorrow marks a year and that's a real bitch.

Thanks for checking in....

L