Twenty Years

Twenty years ago today, I married my best friend. 

Let’s be honest, it’s a miracle it happened at all.  All of the events in the year leading up to that day twenty years ago should have deterred us from ever walking down the aisle and saying “I do”.  So many memories, so many trials and tribulations, however, a funny thing happens when you find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with: you deal, you make concessions, you change, you become a unit, you put up with a lot more then you ever thought you would just to be with the one person that makes you whole.

We were 19 when we decided to get married.  We were sitting in our first apartment watching TV, he asked, I said yes.  I wish it would have been a little bit more memorable than that, but romance just wasn’t JY’s style.  I can’t imagine what my parents thought when we told them the news because being the parent of two teenaged girls nearing age 19 (in a few years) I think I might have taken the news with a lot less grace then I know they did. 

The wedding planning was on from the moment we nailed down a date, and when I say “the planning”, I mean mom took the reins.  My (amazing) mother planned our wedding from start to finish including MAKING the bridesmaid dresses.  All she wanted from me was how many attendants we were having and what colors I wanted to have.  She is amazing.  My whole family pitched in from making the cakes, mints, food, to stepping in as ushers when a car accident the night before our wedding lost two of our ushers to injury (that’s a whole other story)….amazing.  It wasn’t the fanciest wedding but it was exactly what I’d always wanted. 

Who knew on that day, twenty years ago, that fourteen years is all we would get.  In those fourteen years we had two amazing children who are the perfect combination of both of us.  We bought a house and made it a home.  We fought hard for each other in times when neither one of us were worth fighting for.  We made a life and JY lived it to the fullest while, sometimes, we all just sat back and watched.  For all the ups, downs and in between times…that part of my life made me the person I am today. 

JY and I had 14 years married, we had 18 years total together.  Not all of those years were the best we could make them and like all married couples, we went through some things that I didn’t think we would ever make it through.  

We made a promise on this day twenty years ago….we promised to love, honor and cherish each other until death do us part.  Promise fulfilled.  Happy 20 years JY.  Always in my heart, forever.

Thanks for checking in.

L

Forty

Mama is not rounding the corner, on the down side, peeking over the hill or around the bend from FORTY…..she is knocking on the GDMF’ing door.  Believe me, I wish I wasn’t.  

I wish, sometimes, I could go back a few years and then maybe go back a few more.  I don’t think I’d want to make any changes, because to make changes would be to make me a completely different person than I am today and I like the person I am today, but more for enjoying (again) the moments that I may have rushed myself through. 

I would cherish ALL of the moments I had with JY (even the not so great moments).  The “just the US” moments…we were always rushing in to the “next logical thing” after getting married.  You know that life changing song we all grew up to…”First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.”  We, or maybe it was just me, were so focused on bringing our own little bundle of joy into the world and then being frustrated because it was taking so long that it wasn’t fun anymore.  We should have made it fun….we should have cherished all those months and all those months should have brought us closer together instead of the little wedge it caused only to be dissipated by the little lines on the pee stick telling us “look what you did, you fools”….happiest day ever, I hope I always remember that.  

Then the moving in with the parents with a six month old to remodel “this house” that we had to have.  Then the “surprise, you did it again” pee stick, while holding previously mentioned six month old.  Then the “little’s” crawling, walking, running, NE-VER stopping.  Then the sweet little voices changing to big voices yelling “MOM” “DAD” “OMG I broke my finger” “I love you”.  Yeah, I would cherish all of them a little more than I did the first time around.    

I would tell my past self to shore up, man up, and for the love of god, own your life.  Don’t make excuses for your unhappiness, own them.  Be independent, do for yourself.  Tend to your relationships with your family and friends because, dude, you’re gonna need them and they’re gonna need you in the near future.  I owe my life to the family and friends who “stuck like glue” in the first months/years after JY left.  I will never be able to repay that kindness, ever. 

Most importantly, I would tell my past self, you’ll be proud of you in a couple of years, I promise. 

I’ve heard the saying FORTY IS THE NEW THIRTY, so CHEERS to that!  So, in a week, I will grieve my THIRTIES for all the happy and very, very sad things that happened.  I would like to thank my THIRTIES (specifically age 37+a few months) for the brightest part…..finding “the one I’d been searching for” and making my family whole again.  Not replacing but filling the hole we’d all been walking around and ignoring, with love and making our broken, fixed.  Happiest day ever (you can have several), I hope I always remember that.   

Forty….I have a few changes to make in my fortieth year and A LOT more moments to cherish.

Stick around.  

Thanks for checking in.

L

Five Years = 1825 Days

Dear J,

Today marks your five year "Angel"versary.  Some days that feels like a life time and other days it seems like just this morning.  6AM shots/toasts for the one's who still partake.  SO much has happened since you've been gone.  The girls and I reflect on all that you've missed often which sometimes makes the hurt seem less painful.  Healing takes a life time, we're learning.

Emily is 15 soon to be 16.  Driving (Dear God).  She's a sophomore in HS and gets much better grades than you and I combined ever did.  She's active in track and, against my better judgment for obvious reasons, boys basketball stat.  Emily looks just like you, J.  As she gets older, she sees the world and people for what they're worth and what they bring to her life.  She questions EVERYTHING, including me.  She always "knows best" and WAY more than me.  The days she's most difficult are the days I wish you were here.  And I know you are...you're here guiding me and reminding me that just because I brought her into this world, I most definitely can't take her out of it :)  I honestly never thought I would have any issues with the "teenage" years...apparently I'm paying for all the trouble you stirred up when you were her age.  Thank GOD none of your friends have been around to tell Emily all the stories about your shenanigans as a child and a teenager.  All that aside, Emily is a great kid growing into a beautiful young women with lots and lots of hopes and dreams.

Allyson is 14 soon to be 15.  Driving (Dear God).  She's a freshman in HS and also is a really good student, her grades are better than ours ever could have dreamed of being.  Allyson's motivation is sports.  While Allyson looks and acts just like me, she's a kid after your own heart.  She loves basketball and track and excels at both.  Allyson has labeled herself "the good kid" because she "always does what she's told".  I think it's because she never gets caught but so far this kid is a an amazingly awesome kid who is her OWN person no matter what others say about her.  She goes with the flow and still buys that "mom knows all".  I'm on borrowed time here, but I'll take what I can get.

Both of our girls amaze me, everyday.  I'm incredibly honored and proud to be their mom.  They are all I ever hoped they'd be, you know in spite of the tragedy they've walked through.  Our children are all any of us have left of you, JY, and I cherish every minute I have with them because of that. 

As I reflect on the last five years without you here, I remember the person I was on the day you left us.  I was empty, broken and completely lost on how I was going to go on without you here.  While the first year after you left is still so much of a blur, I remember bits and pieces of that year and those are best left in the past.  However horrible my actions were in that first year, I'm giving myself a break.  I used that year to find out who I was, how the hell I was going to raise our two children on my own and honestly, I did what anyone else would do in my position.  I DID IT ALL.  And while I'm not proud of some of it, I make peace by telling myself I needed to do it.  I can now tell my family and friends, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for putting all of you through all that worry that first year.  But I thank you for allowing me to do what I needed to do without interference. 

The last couple of years were big for me.  I did what you always told me you wanted me to do; I found someone to love, who loves me and loves the girls like his own.  Thank you for guiding him my way ;)  Although JH hates hearing it, I couldn't have asked for a better man in our lives.  Everyday, I thank my lucky star that our paths crossed that night two years ago.  He is patient, kind, has a big heart and he accepts and encourages us to remember and cherish you, he knows how important you are in all of our lives, including his.  He's also lost his ever loving mind signing up VOLUNTARILY to take on us ladies, but he claims "he can handle anything", so who am I to argue?  For real, though, I never thought I'd ever love another until he walked into my life.

People assume, incorrectly, that because I'm happy and so crazy in love that I've "moved on" or "forgotten" you.  News flash....Remarried does not equal forgetting.  You can honor your past, you can treasure your past, you can and should LOVE your past but you do NOT have to live in your past.  I read on a grieving blog somewhere that when it comes to love, our hearts are truly without capacity or limits.  Even reading this and feeling what I feel, I had trouble believing.  The love I have for you, JY, will never go away.  I will always love you, JY, for the person I was when you were here, for the person I became when you left and for sure the most important for the lives we created out of our love.  It just so happens I had MORE love in my heart then I ever dreamed possible on that fateful day five years ago.  Five years ago, I might as well have passed with you....

The girls and I did some grief counseling at ATP this year.  All 8 weeks of meeting at ATP I asked myself "why didn't we do this sooner?"  The only answer I could come up with is that it wasn't the right time for us then, until now.  Being the "oldest" in the group (years vs months into my grieving) I felt like I was meant to wait so I could help the members of my group.  Knowing that I might have helped someone else going through what I did the slightest bit helped me more than anything I could have done before that moment.  It was so fulfilling, I'm signing up for volunteering at ATP in January. 

I know I missed my yearly post to you last year...I told you there would come a time when we would stop counting the seconds, hours, days and years you've been gone.  This year, I wanted you to know that no matter how long you've been gone there are so many who still miss you on a daily basis.  You are forever in our hearts and forever on our minds.  Fortunate for me, all I have to do is look at our children and I see you....I see you in their faces, in their actions and I hear you in their voices.  When they wrap their arms around me, I feel your embrace.  You are here JY, in the hearts of everyone you met and held dear.  No matter what changes, one thing never will....We will always love you.

Forever.

Thanks for checking in....
LH

Reflections on a house….

Last night I signed paperwork.  Paperwork required of someone selling a house, like…the final paperwork.  While in other circumstances I normally adhere to the staunch (G’ma Austin) policy of “one is good, two is better” however, in the circumstance of two houses, a difficult decision was born. 

In the last (almost) five years I’ve made some pretty big discoveries about myself and made some pretty big decisions in my life and the lives of my children.  It’s been a rough ride with lots and lots and lots of ups and downs but, I’m finding out, these things have seemed only to make us stronger.  In the past (almost) five years, I’ve been tested, harshly judged, questioned on my ability to parent….and the list goes on and on these are just a few.  So much negative that sometimes I question where all the human souls are hiding, srsly.   

Anyway…back to the house.  This is one of those big decisions that I made because, you know, it was time.   

The girls and I made the move to JH’s house November 2012, we've had Christmas Eve/Christmas, a year of birthdays, celebrated a wedding and just lived as a family out there.  We’ve made a lot of new memories at our “new” house and now, it really just feels like home.  I’m just recently discovering that a house is just a house and it’s the people who reside there that make it a home.  My home, OUR home, is where my most loved family is. 

So, why am I feeling so….blah?  The house we lived in has seen a lot of things…what’s that old saying….”if these walls could talk….”  Well, if those walls could talk, whoa.  That house was remodeled with the blood, sweat and tears of G’pa Austin, my dad and JY.  For FOUR months, we worked night and day on making that house our home.  When we moved in, Emily was 6 months old and I was pregnant with Allyson (surprise!!).  That house is the only home both girls had known.  It’s seen GREAT times, good times, bad times and the worst of the worst times.  We have a history there, we’ve made some great memories (and some not so great memories) there.  It was our first house and we loved the shit out of that house.   

It’s also where JY left us to pick up the many, many pieces of broken hearts left behind.  It’s where the girls and I united in the “us against the world” club we formed.  It’s where we made changes (physically, mentally and to the house itself), grew and opened our hearts to new adventures and love.  And…it’s a house.  A house where my family, my heart, no longer resides.   

So, I signed the papers last night giving the house to another young couple whose baby will know only as its own.  Make it your own, love it, take good care of it….it will love you back, I promise.   

Thanks for checking in.

L

 

Side note: I’m going to start writing here again…I’ve been absent, I know, hopefully the girls let me slow down enough to keep my word. 

Happy 14th Birthday!!

Dear Em,

Today, 14 years ago, you changed my life.

I know I've told you the story of the day you were born every year on your birthday, and every year I'll tell you again until I'm too old to remember it myself, then you get to tell me.

Last year, I finally showed you your birth tape. I don't know who was more embarassed, you, me or Granny. I know it was hard to watch, but I know one day you'll appreciate the beauty of it all, just like I know how much you'll appreciate seeing how much your dad loved you...especially when he tells you how much ESPN you'll be watching with him :)

You are growing up. I don't like it, I know I can't stop it so I guess I'll just go with it. OMG, your 14! I guess this means you'll start expecting me to treat you like the "grown up" you think turning 14 will make you. Is this the year where I start backing off and letting you make your own decisions, your own mistakes and trusting yourself to make the right choices? How about we start small...like me dropping you off at the mall with your friends and trusting that I don't have to hawk you every minute...LOL, as if :)

I hope you know how very proud I am to be your mother.

Your a smart, beautiful, kind and thoughtful girl. You make me believe that I'm actually doing things right...I know sometimes you'll fall and need help up..I'll be there for you, it's what mom's are supposed to do. I just hope you never fall in the first place, even though I know that's wishful thinking. In a few years you'll graduate and move on to college leaving me here begging you to come home for a visit with promises of doing your laundry and giving you gas money. OMG four years are going to fly by.

I know your dad is in your thoughts daily. I know you carry your dad in your heart where ever you go. I know that you will never forget him and his love for you. Just like I know that you are a stronger person knowing this loss. Do I wish it didn't have to be a hard lesson learned? Absolutely. Seeing you handle the hand you were dealt, has made you a strong girl who can handle anyone and anything that she encounters and this is one of the things that makes me most proud to be your mom.

I know I lean and lean and lean on you for many, many things. You handle my semi-craziness in a very chill manner and for that, I will be forever thankful that you don't know that it only takes two signatures to have me commited :)

Em, I've told you this a thousand times before...you and your sister are the brightest parts of my day, you always will be.

My wish for you:

- Always stay golden.

I hope this 14th birthday is the best birthday yet!! I love you Em, I hope you always remember that.

Love,

Mama

Funny..

How something is given to you at the exact moment you need it.

It seems like the last 3 weeks have been THEE busiest weeks for the girls, with sports and school. Busy girls mean SUPER busy (crabby) mom. While I have my moments of resentment for having to drive the girls all over hell and back, for bitching about 610a practice on school days, and sometimes for just for sitting in the bleachers for 10 hours straight. I really, in my heart, wouldn't change it. My only concern is that the girls don't appreciate all that I do for them....like I KNOW I didn't appreciate the things my parents did for me (and my sister). Paybacks are a real B, huh? That said, after the weekend I've had, this article (given to me by one of my co-workers who does the same for his kids) put it all in perspective for me. Now, this doesn't mean that I won't continue to bitch about driving to the school ONE MORE TIME this week....it was what I needed at the exact moment I needed it. Enjoy!

It pays to be in game(s), moms and dads:

You see athletes large, small and in between. Some are gifted and know it, so they coast. Others are not and know it, so they work like crazy. A select few are gifted and work like crazy.

There is a place for all of them in youth, junior high and high school sports.

There also is a place for their parents...so many places. You find them behind the wheel, in dugouts, on benches, in lawn chairs, at concession stands, in hotel lobbies....

They work ahead or work split shifts or work into the wee hours, all in an attempt to be there when the boy or girl they welcomed into the world digs in with the bases loaded or drives to the basket.

Occasionally, they look in the mirror or at the bank statement and wonder, "Is it all worth it? Is all of this really worth it?"

Here's the good news.

Yes.

It is absolutely worth it.

The wins and losses fade. Trophies collect dust in the attic. Stat sheets wind up in a recycle bin.

None of them matter.

You realize it years later. Like the day you wake up and your youngest is graduating from college.

You hear her talk about a semester-long project that involved building a city - designing the water system, infrastructure, etc. - and the mind drifts to softball diamonds here and in other cities, other states.

It was a group project requiring strategy, planning, execution and, more than anything, teamwork. Sports introduced her to all of it.

They taught her and her sister that life isn't always fair. Line drives get caught. Bloopers fall in. Umpires miss calls. Players drop balls.

Deal with it. Learn from it. Move on.

Sports strengthened their resolve, toughened their skin. So when an irate boss openly voices his/her displeasure, they can tell a concerned co-worker: "It's OK. I've had coaches yell at me."

Doesn't mean they like it, doesn't make it right. But they can handle it.

Sports prepare them to manage success and disappointment, deal with adversity. Remember that the next time you drive six hours to a sweltering summer tournament, or shiver under a blanket at a spring doubleheader.

It's worth it.

Just be sure to occasionally take a breath, take a step back and take a second to enjoy the moment. It doesn't last much beyond that.

Games turn to seasons and seasons to years, faster than you can say, "Do you have everything in your bat bag?"

Squeeze what you can from the long rides, the overnight stays. You never get those back. Be a shame to waste them listening to an iPod or dwelling on a loss.

Thanks for checking in,
L

One Thousand Ninety-Five...

Dear J,

Three years….YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE YEARS. Three of thee longest and shortest years of my life. In three years your oldest went from age 10 to age 13. In three years your youngest went from age 9 to age 12. In these three years, your children may only have aged a few years but they’ve had to grow up faster than most kids their age.

I tell them often, “it’s us against the world and we have to stick together.” In turn they often remind me that life just isn’t fair because they don’t have a dad, to that I have no response and no obvious quick solution. Sometimes, I feel like they blame me because you aren’t here. I know they don’t really think that, it’s just all in my guilt ridden mind. Even saying or writing that seems outlandish. But what they don’t understand, what I hope they never understand, is that for five VERY long days after you were gone, I waited to hear that there was no way I could have saved you that morning….that with all my efforts, you were already gone. I don’t remember much in the days, weeks, or months that followed losing you but I do remember thinking I could have done more to save you. I’ve finally forgiven myself for not being able to bring you back that morning. You can’t believe the weight that lifted off of my shoulders when I finally let that guilt go.

Our girls are amazing, period.

E is an 8th grader, top dog in Middle School. She’s already got the driving study guide so she’s ready for the permit test in a couple of months. She wants to take Driver’s Ed in the spring and (gasp) she wants to get a school permit. She’s slowly been talking me in to the school permit thing by reminding me that if she has that, I won’t have to do the 6a basketball practice anymore because she could drive herself. I have to hand it to her; she’s almost mastered your fine art of negotiating and damn near has me buying what she’s selling, this is a scary revelation. E is pulling awesome grades, has a bit of a chatting problem during class, is a FB junkie and texts like it’s her job. The kid has a great head on her shoulders. She doesn’t strike me as a follower most days and I know she doesn’t let her friends push her around. I’m so incredibly proud of Em.

A is a 7th grader and in pure “little sister” fashion has latched on to all of her older sisters friends, much to E’s dismay and disgust. Don’t get me wrong, she has LOTS of her own friends, she’s friends with everyone. A is really trying hard to figure out where she belongs in life. It’s an amazing thing to watch your child grow up and make grown up decisions. After having such a hard time in 6th grade, 7th grade is her year. At the moment, A is pulling all A’s…leaves me speechless, I couldn’t be more proud. Poor kid is a mini-me, she’s loud, funny, loving, caring and puts her friends and family first in everything she does. Sometimes, this gets her feelings hurt….Yup, just like me. I find myself reminding BOTH of the girls that I’ve done it all…..twice. And I’ll always find out about whatever they think they’re gonna get away with. Sometimes, I think they actually believe me.

For all that you are missing here physically; we know you’re here at the most important times. I want to believe that the things I write to you, you already know. I still talk to you whenever I’m having a moment. I still curse at you like your actually here to take it. And I still send out prayers that you watch over and protect the ones that need you most.

It’s been a long time since I’ve wished you back. It’s been a long time since I stopped believing you were on a vacation somewhere. It’s been a long time since I actually believed I woke up in a real life nightmare. In three years, I too have grown up. After you left, I stopped believing in happy endings and I honestly thought I’d spend the rest of my days walking this life alone. I'm changing my mind a little on these things. While my life is lonely without you, I’m never really alone. I learned that I can let love in again, even if it means breaking my own heart. I’m strong when I need to be and I lean (mostly) when I need to. Most importantly tho, I've stopped getting stuck on the why of it and started living....and healing.

Every single day, I think about all the things your missing. Last year I was angry at you, this year, I’m just sad for you.

I know one day we’ll stop counting the number of days you’ve been gone. One day we’ll stop missing you on the big and little days that pass us by. But for now, your still very much a part of our daily conversations, and there is usually a "funny dad" story in most everything we do. The girls and I are on a forward path, the only direction that works for us. This doesn’t mean we’ll forget, to forget would mean that it didn’t matter. That just isn’t true.

The ache and the pain of you not being here gets less and less. It won’t ever go away, it just gets different. For some, the pain of you not being here is forefront in their lives. Please be nearest to them, they need to feel you near. Continue watching us from where ever you are, even if it’s only in our dreams.

My favorite quote from this year is this:

"When someone you love dies, people ask you how you're doing, but they don't really want to know. They seek affirmation that you're okay, that you appreciate their concern, that life goes on and so can they. Secretly they wonder when the statute of limitations on asking expires (it's three months, by the way. Written or unwritten, that's about all the time it takes for people to forget the one thing that you never will). "
- Sarah Ockler

I don't blame anyone for forgetting you, babe. If I didn't have two daily reminders of your absence I'd probably be lumped up in this same group. Because of this, I found myself doing some forgiving this year, letting go of some of the disappointment I have. I also realized the forgiving and disappointment wasn't for my benefit but for the benefit of the girls. I decided that if people don't want to be in their lives FOR YOU, then they don't really deserve to be a part of how amazing your children are, period.

2012 is a new year full of corners and doors, with choices to either turn or go straight, leave the doors closed or open them. 2012 is a year full of opportunities and possibilities just waiting for us to reach out and grab. I’ve no reason to believe that your family isn’t deserving of happiness, love and new beginnings.

We’re fine J, I really believe it. And that, my friend, was my hurdle of 2011.

Thanks for checking in…

L

Thankful...

Tis the season to be thankful, that's what Thanksgiving is all about, right?

For me, this time of year is the beginning of the countdown to the moment that changed my life forever.

It's weird, ya know, looking back to the months leading up to that moment trying like hell to find any sort of sign that should have triggered my mind that something horrible was going to happen. But even now, almost 3 years out, I can't find one. Or if there was one, I chose to ignore it. And by ignoring it, we lost something that can't ever be replaced...and maybe replacing isn't what I mean, but instead filling the hole that was left in our lives. Because there is a hole, a really big, gaping hole that we all find ourselves falling into at the most silly times and places.

I miss J. I know, no matter what our life was together, I always will. But I think I miss him more for not being here for the girls. More than I miss him for myself. They need him like I don't think I ever realized they would. There is something about girls and their dad's (because, duh, I still need mine)...something I never understood while he was here, something I probably never will understand. And because of that, I hurt, I'm angry and I'm sorry. They need him every day...every single day.

No matter how much I bust my ass to be what they need in life, to raise them the way I know J and I would have if he were still here, it'll never be enough...tough job (that's an understatement). This doesn't make me anything special, it makes me a real, live person who has what every one has...a family that comes first no matter the situation we're in.

I have a lot to be thankful for...I have two amazing children who are my world and everything that's good in it, I have thee best family a girl could have, I have thee best friends who know when I need them and when I don't, I'm alive in every sense of the word and I have memories (good and bad) to remind me of who I am and why. Because without the memories, who are we really?

Thanks for checking in and if I happen to disappear until 12/31/2011, it's ok, it's what I do. Besides, you know where to find me if you want to :)

L

The end...

Is always bittersweet.

The youth basketball league started the season without me at the helm. I'd love to say it was a hard decision to make, but it wasn't. Why? Partly because I'm still a tiny bit involved...come on, you knew I couldn't cut the cord entirely, right? Nah, I gave up the part that no one wants and am now VP on the BB board, I like it. I still get a say in some of the decisions about one of the most important things to J, and that makes me happy.

I always knew that once the girls were out of grade school, out of the youth league, J was going to move on to Jr High, either coaching or just cheering his crazy head off. He was going to follow his girls. So, the decision to hand over the league was much easier to do rather than to hang on to something I knew we'd be done with.

Running the youth league with J was both amazing and frustrating and also a great cause of conflict in our marriage. Every basketball season it was the same, he coached and I took care of the headaches. Running any kind of anything is a thankless job and almost always turns in to a hated job. Not for J...no because he didn't have to deal with the angry parents, I was the peace keeper, he was the star ;) Well, kind of. I'll tell you this, he was an overachiever in all things youth basketball, outside of that, not a whole lot mattered.

So, with my handing this last thing over, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of the people who have been there from the beginning helping, listening, coaching, volunteering at the tournaments, the parents who drove their children to and from practices and games, the children who signed up, the HS coaches and anyone else who just lent a hand when needed ESPECIALLY in the last couple of years without J. The basketball league wouldn't be half as successful without ALL of you.

We had a good run. The first boys team J coached are graduated from HS and in their 20's, the first boys team J coached when we took over the league are Jr's in HS. When the girls hit 3rd grade he made the move to coaching the girls teams (sometimes 3 or 4 at a time), much to my nephews disappointment :)

J would have been so proud of where the youth league is and what we've been able to accomplish. His dream was to provide basketball for the youth of our community, the future of I35..I think we've done ok in his absence.

I'd also like to give a shout out and thank the brave peeps that volunteered to step in and take over. My only advice would be, good luck and you've got my number :)

Thanks for checking in.
L

Just wow...

About a month ago, E and A attended Camp Amanda (Amanda the Panda sponsored). E went without hesitation, with A, it took a little talking in to. Today, I know they're both happy they went if for no other reason than they met other kids that lost a loved one. At camp, they weren't different and the other kids knew how they felt and have experienced all the other emotions they have had to deal with since losing J.

A couple of days ago I received a call from a reporter with the Des Moines Register asking if, since I signed a release, he could publish the girls names in the paper regarding Camp Amanda. Of course I said sure, why not, I signed the release. I had no idea when the article would run and I had absolutely no idea in what capacity the girls would be mentioned. Well, the story ran today and hit me square in the face. You can read the article here. The emotion that this reporter captured with A made me cry. This is my daily struggle. It's not my grief anymore that makes me stumble every day, it's the girl's grief that gets me.

In my own journey "to the other side", I've dealt with the emotions of the losing, never having again, the end, never coming back and then the chore of pulling my sh!t together for the girls and moving forward instead of staying stuck in the past. I'm able to put one foot in front of the other and move towards my own "new normal" because I haven't had the luxury of laying down and shutting out the world in one form or another. Every day I've gotten up and lived because the girls have needed to see that, and every day I get up because of them. I am truly happy in the life I'm living at the moment...

The girls, amazing as they are in my eyes, I know still struggle with the loss every day. They may not voice it, they may not show it, but it's there...and I realized today after reading that article that it will never go away for them...for any of us, really. But for them, as they get older, they will realize more and more what their dad is missing because he passed away (we don't say died). He will miss them graduating from HS/college, getting married and walking them down the aisle, he'll miss holding their children and he'll miss every other big or little thing in between. This is our reality, and I know we aren't alone in this reality, there are so many others that know what this feels like. And I just want to put my 2 cents in, that sucks.

It's been almost three years since J left us. Some days I wake up and it feels like it was just yesterday, other days it seems like 20 years have passed us by. The pain is still there but it's different. The loss is still there but that to is different. Us girls, we wake up and put our pants on the same way the rest of the world does, we just have a little more weighing on our hearts each time we do.

Thanks for checking in.
L