These are my feelings and my words and I'm not going to apologize for them. Did you like that little disclaimer?
Today, yesterday actually, I was asked if I felt like I was being left behind while everyone else moves on with their life. And you know what, that's exactly how I feel. I feel like the 'newness' of losing J has worn off and everyone has forgotten and moved on. Now, don't misunderstand what I'm saying...while I know that everyone else has a life to move on to, I just think that it's not fair. I don't begrudge anyone their happiness, it's just hurts to see it. But then in the same breath, I want to/need to move forward as well but I can't because I feel guilty for wanting/needing that. Does that make any kind of sense? I know that J wouldn't want me lying around feeling sorry for myself because he's gone - that's what I want to do...however, what I need to do is pick myself up and carry on...without him. I know that there are people out there that know what I'm talking about, what I'm feeling. Just like I know I should probably join a support group of some kind...I will, maybe, when I'm ready to do that and I just don't know when that will be - there isn't a time limit is there?
I want to be with people, not people like me but people...I'm making no sense but maybe if I explained it this way....When I was in FL I was Lesa Young. Not mom, not grieving widow (omg) and not someone for people to stare at. To be honest, I've never felt more invisible then when we were in FL and I was perfectly fine with that. No one knew me, knew what hell I've been thru in the last 4 months, I was just another small town girl taking a nice vacation with my sister and cousin. And I had F U N. I got to be the me I remember from so long ago. I didn't forget what happened, I just didn't think about it 24/7 like I do when I'm at home, in Iowa. I don't need to be reminded that J's gone, it's very in my face every minute of every day - I'll never forget seeing J for the last time and I relive that morning every night when I close my eyes.
I miss him something terrible. The way he laughed, the way he smiled, the way he pissed me off and the way we made up. I just wish, for one second, that I could feel his arms wrapped around me in a big hug lifting me off the floor in the process.
Pity party serving one.
Thanks for checking in.
L
2 comments:
Your feelings are yours. No one can take them away; no one can say they are wrong or incorrect or silly. It ain't so. They are yours and they are legit.
I can understand how you feel -- that you are being left behind while others move on. That is a sad, sad feeling. The world should stop -- quit turning -- and wait for you. I have known that feeling a few times.
You can, but you don't have to do the support group thing. A thousand and a half years people didn't have support groups except for their close families and dearest friends or maybe a Deity or Belief to help them through. They endured and survived.
What this ol' woman is trying to say is that you will have to mourn, heal, grow, cuss, pray, sorrow, regret your own way -- while we out here are all sending prayers, wishes and positive thoughts.
I agree with Nance--I have never lost a spouse and can not relate to that but do understand the feeling that everyone is moving on and my world is standing still. It is an odd feeling but your world will slowly catch up.
Living in small town is great at times but when you want to be anymous it makes it harder.
Hang in there ----remember there are people that care but maybe some are trying to give you space.
It is ok to have pity parties any time you wish,
Love you Aunt DEb
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