365 days...

It’s been 365 days since I woke up to my worst nightmare. It doesn’t seem possible that a whole year has gone by….but it has, I can’t change that part of my life no matter how bad I want to, not just for me but for the 2 reasons I keep getting up in the morning. I truly believe what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.

I’ve been working on this one post for 3 weeks now, I knew that if I waited until the last minute, I wouldn’t know what to say or how to say it. So, here is my best shot….it won’t even come close to the feelings I want to express.

At 6am, 365 days ago, I lost the best part of me.

At 6am, 365 days ago, the girls lost the best dad.

At 6am, 365 days ago, his family lost their son, brother, son-in-law and brother-in-law.

At 6am, 365 days ago, his friends lost good for a laugh, poker playin', beer drinkin' JY.

Today, 365 days later, we have a new life...all of us. It's different and scary....but it's a life that we can be proud of, that I'm proud of.

Today, 365 days later, I can look back on my blog entries and can remember being so broken and lost. Today, I can see the healing.

Today, 365 days later, I can look back and see the mistakes I've made and the steps I've taken to right them. In the last 365 days, I'm not proud of some of the things that I've done, but I did them and only I have to live with them. In the last 365 days, I found a me that I like and can learn to love. In the last 365 days, the girls and I have experienced things we wouldn't have had J been here walking the same path with us. In the last 365 days, I have a relationship with my daughters that maybe I wouldn't have had if J had been here. In the last 365 days, I've learned that time, people and life doesn’t stand still because your heart is broken. In the last 365 days, I've learned who I can count on to catch me when I fall. In the last 365 days, I learned how to ask for help and also that I can't do it all. In the last 365 days, I’ve done things I never in a million years I thought I’d ever have to do, but I did because J wasn’t here to help.

In the last 365 days, I've learned that people forget and move on.

In the next 365 days God only knows what we’ll be forced to endure, but we’re ready and I feel like we can handle anything. In the next 365 days, I'm going to concentrate more on what I've got and less on what I've lost. In the next 365 days, I'm going to try harder to shut out the negative and let in only the positive. In the next 365 days, I'm going to open my heart and mind to opportunities and possibilities. In the next 365 days, I'm going to learn how to love and trust again. In the next 365 days, I want butterflies.

In the next 365 days, I'm going to do what J wanted me to do....Live.

All my big talk aside, I can't do these things without my family and friends beside me. Thank you for all of the love and support you've given the girls and I. Jeff Young has many reasons to smile down on us....he has many people he should be proud of and some he should be disappointed in (had to be said).

At 6am, December 31, 2009, I raised my glass and had a chat with what used to be the best part of me.....after 365 days; I know where the best part of me is and maybe where it’s always been, I just thought I needed J beside me to be the best part of me. I’m no longer Jeff and Lesa….I’m Lesa and the girls and I'm ok with that.

My life is a work in progress and right now, I’m on the road to recovery and healing…right now, I’m happy instead of horribly sad and sorry for myself and the girls and that scares me a little.

I miss you babes, I told E a couple months ago...I'll always love your dad best because he gave me what no one else can....he gave me you and your sister and no one can replace that kind of love. They are the best parts of you J and through them; I'll have a little piece of you with me, always.

Thanks for checking in….

L

Do you remember...

What you were doing last year on this exact day?? I remember what I was doing...I was working on the very last day I could have spent with J.

I woke up oblivious to my life changing in the next 24 hours. I woke up, left a house full of sleeping peeps and went to work like it was just another day....and it was just another day, or so I thought. I came home that night to dinner being made by J, stew and cheesy potato soup. The girls had gymnastics and J and I had the house to ourselves for a little while. We spent it playing Wii, bowling of course. The girls came home and promptly went up to spend the night with Slye at J's insistence. I always wondered if he knew what was to come and he didn't want his babies to be in the house. He was VERY adamant and it was completely out of character for him to be like that...So at 1030p the girls went up and spent the night at Shan's house...we fought about it, it was the dumbest fight.

Also out of character for J, he slept in our bed. I couldn't remember the last time he'd done that...but sure enough when my alarm went off at 545a, he was there, not only next to me but snuggling up to me....it's the sweetest memory I have. After that, the day just went to shit.

Tomorrow marks a year and that's a real bitch.

Thanks for checking in....

L

Christmas Eve...

'Twas the night before Christmas and all the thru the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (thank god)....

It's quiet tonight, too quiet. Santa's been here and gone, we had a nice chat where he told me my stocking would be empty since I was still awake. The girls are fast asleep...they asked me if they could go to bed at 7p...I kept them up until 930p so we could sleep in but I know Allyson has her alarm set for 630a, we even negotiated a wake up time before they would go to bed.

Emily says to me tonight, "I can't believe that it's Christmas already, and not just because it's Christmas tomorrow, I think this whole year without dad has gone by so fast." Is it possible that my 11 year old, who shouldn't be thinking like this, knows what we adults know, that time moves at the speed of light and that if you blink, you'll miss it? This makes me sad...

Last Christmas Eve J and I had started a new tradition....dinner at the house, just us. He whipped up (with the supervision of mom) my most favorite meal - scalloped potatoes and ham - he said we would do this every year and I believed him.

I miss him so much but I'm also so angry that he's not here.

Last Christmas Eve, while I was working, J and the girls went shopping for me. He got me a beautiful ring...I won't mention that I exchanged it the next week for a more simple, a more me kind of ring. I also won't mention that I went back and bought the same ring after losing J. It was the last thing he bought me, it was his last 'I love you' to me....I had to get it back and I did. Both rings are tucked away, saved for when I can pass them on to the girls.

Waking up tomorrow morning, just us girls, it's going to be rocky. But the girls' excitement over Santa's visit and the gifts will put a smile on my face. I know J will be here with us.....tomorrow was his favorite day.

Thanks for checking in. Merry Christmas.

L

Songs with meaning...

You all probably think I'm crazy for listening to so much music and trying to find the meaning of life, my life, within the lyrics. Sometimes I feel like music is all that I have right now, that every song I hear reminds me of J in some way and brings back memories I'd forgotten but shouldn't have, does that make sense? It's so funny because I remember night after night sitting in the computer room and hearing J ask, what do you want to listen to tonight babes? Our music library ranged from Hannah Montana (yes, J liked to listen to her music) to Country to hard core Rap. One of the many things J and I had in common was music. We liked it all and did not discriminate against any one kind.

Lately, as you know, I've felt so alone, but I'm finding out how ok I am with being alone. I feel less like I have to be one half of a whole, which is weird because J always knew that I never did like being alone, I had to be part of a couple....I don't do well on my own. However, this almost year has taught me that while company, another 'adult' to talk to, a male specifically is nice....I've made a little place for just me and I like that place. Oh, I won't be alone forever, um no...I'm only 35 after all. But I won't be that girl who needs to be part of something so bad I'll just bend to fit, nope, I found a me I like and I'm not going to change for anyone. And I know J is ok with that, he told me he was ok with me moving on and finding someone to share my life with, the girls lives with, many times.

Jeff Young will always be my first love, but that doesn't mean he has to be my last. I have a lot of love to give someone, someone that will come into my life when I least expect it.

I feel like I've had an epiphany, that I've accepted what I've been handed and we're going to be ok. I'm not saying we won't have rough patches (getting Allyson in a dress, LOL) but in the grand scheme of things, the whole picture if you will, we'll all be ok.

This is one of the songs that has meaning to me...

Far Away

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

Next first to be faced around the corner...Christmas. It's gonna be ok.

Thanks for checking in,

L

Tis the season...

I received a Christmas card in the mail from one of my good friends, it wasn't a flowery card, just a card that simply stated, Merry Christmas. It's the handwritten message that got me, it said:

Whatever feeling you have on Christmas day, go with it.

I think I will....

Thanks for checking in.

L

I. Am. A. Mess.

These are my thoughts and feelings...I think I've started an entry like this in the past. I'm having a rough day today, I'm allowed, I've allowed myself a few in the past months. I don't like to show anyone that side of me because, as I've said before, I'm the strong one, the one that shows up and never falters.

Today, I tripped.

Today, while I was at home working, I wrapped Christmas presents and signed each of the girls gifts 'From: Mom'...that's it, just from mom. So, last week when I was falling apart over the realization of waking up just us girls on Christmas morning, that was just the beginning. Super.

Every day I remember one new thing from the days leading up to and in the days that followed losing J. Every new thing I remember, brings it back full circle. We're coming so close to the one year mark...we're within days....not months, days and every day I am more aware of my surroundings, of what's missing, of what I want.

Today, I'm overwhelmed and I wish J were here to carry some of the load I have to bear. He would know what to do, and I miss that.

Thanks for checking in.....and for listening to my ramblings for the last 11 months and 17 days.

L

From the kitchen of JY - part 3

J had been with me long enough to know that I had a HUGE love for Banana Cream Pie, so much so that there were usually 2 BCP's at any family holiday: one for me only and one for the rest of the family. You just did not come between me and my banana cream pie, it just wasn't done. So, when J said he found a new recipe for my love, I was a little skeptical, why mess with perfection?? You want to add what to my beloved pie?? It was wonderful tho, and saying that to him after throwing a huge fit about adding pineapple to my fave pie, well, that was a tough one. He was right, I loved it.

This recipe is from www.foodnetwork.com and submitted by another fave chef of J's, Paula Deen.

Banana Split Cake

Ingredients
4 cups crushed graham crackers
3 sticks butter, room temperature
2 eggs
16-ounce box powdered sugar
20-ounce can crushed pineapple, drained
2 to 3 bananas, sliced (J added more because I love me some bananas)
12-ounce container whipped topping

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
For crust, mix crushed graham crackers and 1 stick of butter. Line bottom and sides of a 13 by 9-inch pan with mixture. Bake crust for 5 to 8 minutes.
Beat the eggs, 2 sticks butter, and the powdered sugar until fluffy. Spread mixture on cooled crust. Add layer of crushed pineapple and layer of sliced bananas. Cover with whipped topping and sprinkle with nuts or graham crackers. Refrigerate for 1 hour.

Yummy!! Enjoy, I have many more. Thanks for checking in.

L

From the kitchen of JY - part 2

This recipe was another frequent in our house, but it was only for J and I to enjoy, much to the girl's dismay. I'm not kidding when I tell you I was eating well....this recipe was my FAVE, like my FAVE!! We had it often so that J could get it 'just right'....LOL

This recipe is from J's FAVE, FAVE, FAVE chef - Guy Fieri. J was obsessed with his show(s) on the Food Network. I think he wanted to be just like him....LOL, J liked the way he cooked, but I don't think he would have gone as far as dying his hair Guy's color...ha, ha.

Java Crusted New York Steak with Stout Glaze
Ingredients:
1/2 cup medium grind Italian Roast coffee (J used Starbucks)
1/2 cup black peppercorns, freshly cracked
1/4 cup packed dark brown sugar, plus 2 tablespoons
1/4 cup kosher salt
1/4 cup granulated garlic
11/2 tablespoons cayenne pepper
11/2 tablespoons paprika
4 (1 1/2 to 2-inch) thick New York strip steaks
2 tablespoons olive oil
16 ounces stout (J didn't do the sauce, but it's part of the whole recipe)
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature

Directions:
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.
Combine coffee, peppercorns, 1/4 cup brown sugar, salt, garlic, cayenne pepper and paprika in a small bowl. Press firmly onto steaks. Let steaks rest, covered, for 30 minutes at room temperature.To cook, heat oil in a large saute pan until almost smoking. Add steaks and sear 2 to 3 minutes on each side. Do not overcrowd the pan. Use 2pans if needed. Remove steaks to a baking dish and finish cooking in the oven until desired doneness. Remove to a cutting board or platter and let rest 10 minutes before slicing.

(J didn't do this, p/s) Meanwhile, bring stout to a simmer in a small saucepan and reduce by about 1/3. Remove from the heat and whisk in the butter and 2 tablespoons brown sugar. After steaks have rested, pour any juices from the cutting board into the sauce, and serve with steaks.

More to come....enjoy and thanks for checking in.....

L

From the kitchen of Jeff Young...

As most of you know, J spent the last year and a half of his life 'tweaking' his new love....cooking. While cleaning out the kitchen cabinets earlier this year, I found about 50 recipes that J tried out on us. Some of them are printed from a website and some of them in his handwriting. This recipe is the first one J tried out on us....every time he made this for us he, of course, tweaked it to be better than the last and it quickly became a FAVE in our house. No wonder I weighed about a hundred pounds more then than I do now....weird.

www.allrecipes.com is where this recipe came from....

Cheesy Potato Soup II

Ingredients
6 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups chopped onions (J used scallions)
1 1/2 cups chopped celery
4 cups of water
8 potatoes, peeled and cubed
15 slices American cheese - broken into pieces (J used half a brick of Velveeta)
4 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 1/3 cups milk
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley (J did not use this)

Directions
1. Melt the butter in a large pot over medium heat. Saute the onions and celery in the butter for 5 to 10 minutes, or until tender.

2. Stir in the water and potatoes, bring to a boil and then simmer until the potatoes are tender. Add the cheese and stir until melted.

3. In a separate small bowl, combine the flour and the mile and stir well until the flour is mostly dissolved. Pour this into the soup slowly, stirring constantly, until the soup has thickened, about 5 minutes.

I don't know how many variations of this soup we had, must have been a lot, but this is where he started from....us girls didn't like some of the things he tried but we ate them anyway because you couldn't look at his proud face and not at least TRY it. A lot of times, he made 2 dinners, one for us and one for the girls. It was never a cereal night while he was cooking up a storm, you ate what was put in front of you. Thank God he didn't reach out to Liver and Onions, I would have surely starved that night :)

Enjoy and thanks for checking in :)

L

It started with a song....

On my way home from work. It sparked a memory which sparked a missing so deep and painful that I had to call my sister to make it all better....I needed a hug. What a girl like thing to do and so VERY unlike me.

I knew December would be hard....Christmas was J's favorite holiday, he went all out; gifts, lights, the tree, the stockings and bitched about it all....he was the spirit of Christmas in our house and right now, our house has no Christmas spirit.

We get thru Christmas, then it's the day....I can't believe we've almost hit the one year mark. I can't believe all that's happened in one year. I can't believe all that he's missed. I can't believe what a huge presence we've lost in our lives, the one that would ALWAYS be here, the one that we took for granted.

Every minute of every day that has gone by, he is missed in one capacity or another, I don't think anyone else can grasp that.....unless something of this magnitude has happened to you. If I've learned nothing else in the last year, tell the one's you love that you love them, don't make them wonder.....

Thanks for checking in.

L