Alone....

That's how I've felt 99.9% of the time for the last 7 months. I wake up alone, I go to sleep alone and I've walked thru every day for the last 7 months alone. I feel alone in a crowded room full of strangers, I feel alone in a crowded room with my friends, I feel alone when it's just the kids and I.....I have a wonderful support system, my family is a godsend and my friends are super but they all have something I don't have anymore...someone to go home to. Someone to bitch at, someone to laugh with, someone to fight with, someone to hug, someone to love....

It's interesting because, JY and I didn't have the best marriage until recently and when I say recently I mean like the last 2 years recently. Funny isn't it? What you allow people to see? Only those closest to me knew. Oh, I loved J...with all my heart I loved him, still do. I just didn't like him a lot of the time. It makes me laugh because we used to tell each other that. We'd fight and I'd look at him and say, I love you but I don't like you very much right now and he'd follow that up with you know, I don't like you very much right now either so we're even.....and that was the end of it.

When I asked for time off, 4 weeks ago, I thought I would use this time to pull my shit together, be here for and with the girls, to figure out how the girls and I were gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other and make it work...together. For the last 3 weeks I've been trying REALLY hard to do that. Every day that I'm off it gets harder and harder to focus on anything to do with getting my life back on track or to something that resembles that.

I took a huge step backwards when, on Friday, the girls and I spent the entire day watching old home videos. My thought was that by watching them, it would be a healing of sorts. For 8 hours we sat in the living room glued to the TV for tiny glimpses of him and hearing his voice for the first time brought tears to all our eyes. In a way it was good for all of us. We talked and talked and cried and cried some more, watching the movies reminded me of stories that I could tell them that they would have no idea of. Friday broke my heart some more....I lost alot on that stupid day in December but the girls, oh man, the girls lost a whole lot more than I did and I realized that while watching the videos. Jesus, why is life so unfair? I can maybe find happiness again down the road, but the girls lost the only dad their gonna have, EVER. No one will ever replace that, no one should even try....and that hurts me more than any pain I have and live with everyday.

While looking for pictures that I posted in my previous post, I came across the first Father's Day card I gave J when Emily was born. I wrote some lovely words, but the one line I wrote keeps running thru my head: "I know you will be there (always) to kiss her hurts away and to watch her in the sports she'll be in and to teach her everything you know, especially how to love." The day Emily was born was the day JY learned how to love unconditionally and with his whole heart, it grew the day Allyson was born. The girls knew their dad loved them to distraction.

It's a work in progress, repairing the heart, we'll do it. Either alone or together, we'll do it...J wouldn't expect anything less than us pulling it together.

Thanks for checking in on us....

L