We've hit the 8 month mark. Because I'm not good with math, I can't tell you how many weeks, days, hours, minutes or seconds that is...if JY were here I could ask him, he was the master of the math to a ridicules degree in our house.
A lot of things have happened in the last 8 months that he's missed like: Emily turned 11, I turned 35, Allyson turned 10 (double digits, yay), a whole basketball season, new friends and reconnecting with old friends, disappointments with current friends, countless gymnastics feats and disappointments, countless spelling and math tests, a couple of school music and band concerts, anniversaries of family members deaths, parent/teacher conferences, special meetings because one of the girls has fallen behind in school, the end of one school year, the first day of the next school year, countless life changing decisions, home improvements, new cars, new toys, parties, social gatherings, camp fires, family vacations....the list goes on and on and on and on....Things the girls and I should not be doing alone.
As I sit here writing this, I'm analyzing the whole life and death part of life. I've decided that we have to have death to really live our lives. Does that make sense? I mean, all of the things I and the girls have done in the last 8 months, we'd never have done if JY was here. So, wth does that mean?? It means, that while he was here we didn't stop and smell the roses. That sentence and realization hurts my heart. JY, much as it pissed me off, lived each day like it was his last and I didn't learn a single thing from it until today, right now, this minute. None of us know when it's our time, we can't choose it....or maybe we can. I mean, did JY choose to leave us 8 months ago because he thought we'd be strong enough to handle it?? Was that his out because he 'knew' of something bigger on the horizon?? I know, I sound crazy as hell, but no other explanation works for me. I have spent the last 8 months being pissed at JY because he left us. Why pissed?? There are a million reasons and then a million more questions, not only my own, but those questions that I can't answer of the girls. I think I've said this before, but how can I explain to them what I don't understand myself??
Pretty deep thoughts for such a not so special month that has passed us. What's so special about this month and not last month?? I can't tell you...I've done a lot of thinking, soul searching, Lesa searching this month. I've let a few more Jeff and Lesa things sneak into my head this month...is that the reason, or is JY trying to tell me something? Maybe I'm just going crazy?? Whatever it is....it makes me sad as hell, not for me, but for the girls. I can feel sorry for myself on my own time.
Thanks for checking in....
L
3 comments:
Lesa---sounds to me like you have done a lot of soul searching--grieving and learning how to cope in the past month. I think the time off with the girls helped and now you are cleaning house. Proud of you girl!!
hang on you are going to make it and JY is helping you thru this from his side of the world. Love ya--Aunt Debbie
Lesa,
I have searched for the proper words to give you HOPE. "Living Life" can be pretty complicated sometimes. "Living Life" can sometimes just be about making the next dollar to pay the next bill. "Stopping to smell the roses" does not take priority. I am so sorry Jeff can't enjoy the "Fragrance" that you have found. I am sure you would rather be sharing it with him. I am also sure he would rather be sharing it with you, but that was not meant to be. I can assure you Lesa, it was not Jeff's choice to leave you or the girls alone anymore than it would be your choice to leave Jeff and the girls alone. He will always be watching over you, E Star and Cakes from yes..his side of the world....a place I can feel is just a thin vail away. I know Jeff's world is not the same today with out E and Cakes and you..and the girls world and your world will never be the same either, but hang on to the Love you had and never let the girls forget how much their Daddy loves them then..today and always.
Love you so much, Deb
I have never thought in the terms "other" side of the world . . . but that is interesting and thought provoking.
Yep, I agree with the wise Debs (2; two -- of them) . . . you are progressing, moving forward, growing. You are doing good although it may not feel that way to you yet.
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