I had a bad day today...I mean, it was good to be at work and JL kept me busy and my mind working but I caught myself waiting for JY to email me in the middle of the day like he always did. Then I started thinking about all the little things and the little things added up to big things and it didn't stop....Everyone keeps saying that I'm strong but I'm not, not really. What I am is a mess...and not a hot one either.
Three weeks ago tonight JY was playing his new bowling game for the Wii and making us his 'new' beef stew and a pot of cheesy potato soup in between games, we were laughin and talkin and had no clue of what was in store for us. If I had known, I would have hugged him more and told him I loved him every second of that one day, I would have MADE SURE he left this place knowing how very much I loved him even when he p*ssed me off talkin' trash while playing that damn game. I can 'what if' all I want, it doesn't bring him back, I know that. It's just so hard picking up the pieces of my heart and going on without him.
We had big plans for this year, it was our year. We were getting back on our feet from the financial hole we had clawed ourselves out of and we were back to good. In October we would have been married for 15 years!! That's kind of a big deal! He said he was thinking of taking me on a trip to celebrate...I didn't need things like that and he knew it. I just needed him. Forever. Why does forever seem so long when you think you have all the time in the world?
It's just one of those days....tomorrow will be one too. Thanks for checking in.....
L
3 comments:
Hey Lesa-Hang in there. I wish there was something that I could do to take away all the hurt in your heart. You are doing such a great job. What a huge accomplishment to be back in the house. Keep on doing what you are doing. I can see the small changes each day. Love you like a sis. Sasha
Lesa, you will have plenty more bad days. You'll have good ones too but we ain't going to lie to you. This mourning process isn't for sissies or short distance runners. You said in one of your entries that you are a big girl now . . . and you are going to have to be.
All us Mamas out here, we all wish you could still be the little girl and that something like a bandaid could make it all better. We all want to fix it . . . and we can't. Dammit.
I like Nance said wish there was something to take your pain away--but no bandaid is BIG enough.
Unfortunately there will be bad days and those little things show up and flood you with memories.What you had was special--Jeff was special but some day these memories and little things will bring you comfort, but that will take time.
Hang in there Love and (((HUGS)) Aunt Debbie
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