I worked today...from home but I actually worked and talked to people over email. That wasn't so hard...I was going to go back to work tomorrow, but I decided to wait until Monday. When I think about going back, I get all white faced and sweaty. And fat chicks don't like to sweat, it's not cool. It's the same with moving back to the house, I want to, but just thinking about it makes me all nervous. I did, however, spend the entire day at the house today, I was alone for a good part of it and working, so it's not all bad. Baby steps...and as my good buddy JL says, I don't have to conquer the world in one day!! Amen sister.
Early in December JY and I talked about getting new furniture. We've lived in our house for 11 years and have never bought any furniture. We've gotten new to us stuff from family and friends, but we never went and bought anything. JY didn't have time to go look at furniture and I (being an Austin women) didn't want to make the decision on my own for fear JY would hate my choice, not that he would ever say anything like that directly...So, yesterday I bought living room furniture. It was weird, but it helps having the new stuff in the house, makes me more comfortable because honestly JY lived on the couch. I think the furniture had a lot to do with my not wanting to spend a whole lot of time in there....Every time I looked at the couch, I saw him there and that was just too much.
JL says, "if it doesn't hurt, it didn't matter". And boy did he matter.
I'm getting stronger each day, each memory is less like stabbing a knife in my heart, just an ache that won't go away. I still miss him like I did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. I still just can't believe that 2 weeks ago today I woke up to my worst nightmare come true. If you think I'm strong, I'll just let you know, it's all a front. What do ya do?
Thanks for visiting....
L
4 comments:
You are stronger that you ever knew...you have made it this far and I have a sneaky suspicion you will continue on that path. You are never alone especially when you feel it most...love never dies and you will have that forever. Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way. I love that saying "if it doesn't hurt, it didn't matter". Love you girls and take one day at a time...keep looking up and smile. At least that keeps 'em wondering what you are really thinking...logs and all.
Look how smart I sound!! :)
You are all sorts of smart runnin' thru this post. Kisses.
L
You know what, Lesa, by acting strong, pretending to be strong, pretty soon you are strong(er). Okay, maybe not pretty soon . . . but in a couple of years anyway!
And acting strong feels better than curling up in the fetal position with the covers over your head. Your girls will always thank you for your show of strength.
My mama, who helped her own daughter pass, told me during my sister's last days that a WOMAN does what she has to do.
My emphasis on WOMAN, not hers.
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