Have I told you yet that I have anxiety just thinking about leaving the house? Well, I do.
My day started by getting up, taking a shower (in my own house, alone, we didn't sleep there - yea me) and then driving the girls to school, walking them to their lockers and talking to the office about letting the girls come home if they thought they couldn't make it the whole day. I felt like Emily looked, all white faced and overwhelmed. JC, when will it end....
After dropping the girls off at school, I had an hour to sike myself up for a meeting at AgLeader (where JY worked). I was ok until I had to walk thru the office to hit the restroom, everyone knows me and so everyone was staring at me. That's uncomfortable. I know that they didn't mean to stare, that they really don't know what else to do or what to say, but damn it's awkward. And I'm sure everyone feels the same way.
For the love, Emily has bball practice tomorrow night and both girls have games on Saturday...how the hell am I gonna go and not throw up or feel like throwing up? Any helpful Heloise hints? Do I wear a sign that says, please don't talk to me? That's pretty rude, huh? I know, I'm pretty good at rude. It's easy to go somewhere that no one knows me and what's going on, it's the where everybody knows my name and me that's the deal breaker.
I was explaining to JY's dad and step mom tonight that if I know that no one will talk to me about what happened, I'll be ok to go out. And it's not like I don't want to talk about JY, I do and I always will even if it hurts to talk about him. But I will talk about him because EVERYTHING reminds me of him and to not talk about him would be like he never existed and he did, larger than life he did.
I'm lost and still in so much pain...... Any advise is welcome.
L
6 comments:
I haven't talked to you or wrote you an e-mail because I don't know what to say. I don't want to see you cry. You are such a strong person and I know that this would be the strongest of person's very weak moment. You are allowed to be that way, you are allowed to be sad. Just know that I pray for you and the girls every single day and hope that as the days pass that they will start to get better. I don't know when but his memories will help you continue to live, to live for your girls. JY's spirit will always be with you and the girls. He is always there. What else would he want to be doing? You 3 were his reasons and they are yours. His memories will always be strong, maybe that is what will help you to get through and knowing that some day you will be with him again. Rejoice in seeing him again.
Hello love, it's me, Cim (Jodi's friend from Texas)...I didn't realize your recent loss until I suspected yesterda and confirmed by seeing your blog....I'm truly sorry for your logs, I'll be thinking and praying for you and those beautiful girls of yours...if you ever just need anything....please know that I'm here for you....Tell Jodi~you all need to come to Texas and visit. My door is always open to friends...God bless!
Lesa-I am still thinking of you everyday. Love you like a sister. Call me if you need to talk. I will be there for you day or night. Sasha
This is unchartered territory Lesa--where is Nance when you need her? I don't have any answers but just go and do your thing. it is ok to cry--it is ok to say you don't want to talk about how it right now. but you handle the cashier --you will do fine!! I just know it.Wish I had a better answer.love Aunt Deb
you are so right, everyone else will be feeling awkward too. They'll all be wanting to do the right thing (I've been there, on the other side . . . and bet you have too). They'll be looking to you for cues and hoping to comfort you.
You go to the basketball games. Go for your girls. Talk about the weather. Talk about balls are round, baskets are high and bubble gum belongs on the underside of the bleachers. It doesn't matter what you talk about 'cuz everyone is pulling for you. If someone hugs you or says something and you cry? So what, Little Miss more Strength than You Know, so what? It's life. It's honest. And it is you.
Like my friend Cim, I am also sorry for your logs!:) Hope that made you smile cuz I have a sneaky suspicion that it did if even just a little. I wont promise you it will get better sister, but maybe it will just get different? And maybe different will be ok. Still lame, but if it didnt hurt, it didnt matter. And sweet little tiny baby jebus knows it mattered. So maybe there is just a little comfort in the hurt too? And maybe I am just rambling and you can always tell me to shut the hell up. But I still love ya sister, and I'm not going anywhere. I will be whatever you need me to be, whenever you need me to be it. xxoo j
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